What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

[logansrogue]

I was talking to Scotty tonight about life, we were both pretty down. It occurred to me that, of all the family, I am the biggest failure. I am:

- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!

I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.

I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.

The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.

How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.

Comments

[berenicepotter.livejournal.com]

The last to lose her virginity age-wise
I can't believe you put that in the list xD

What's a gig?

Anyways, I'm sorry you're feeling like this, Nancy :( But I'm sure if yo died tomorrow you would have made a diference for the people who know you. I don't even know you in 'real life' and you already are a very special person in my life, you have no idea. You changed many things in my world.

♥

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Uhm, a gig is Aussie slang for a performance somewhere.

You've made me cry, girl! *hugs you tightly* Thank you so much for making me feel special somehow. :)

[xedra.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I have you beat on the first two...

But more importantly, I sorry you're feeling so poorly.
I want to give you this *BIG SQUISHY CUDDLY HUG* cuz you are special.

I don't know you in "real life" either, but I think you're a total treasure.

*loves*

[coell.livejournal.com]

Oh ma'am(s) -- I'm sorry you're feeling down on yourself. I think you're fabulous.

[berenicepotter.livejournal.com]

*hugs you back* You are made of awesome :)

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

NANCY. :(

[phoenixwriter.livejournal.com]

I think we all have big expectation in life and sometimes we like to think a worthfull life is only one if you made a difference. Seeing all this Stars or Starlet's on TV or online doesn't makes it much easier either if one considers most of them are just that trashy and do nothing yet they have enough influence to affect people anyway.
However the truth is if you're depressed one tends to see things more black then they are. Little things are ignored and the good things are interpreted into little things or to something bad.

I've thought about it many times what if I never had been born, did it make a change at all? I'm pretty sure it would have made one. Same counts for you. You made already a difference to people who love you and care for you because you make their life so much richer. That's all what counts in the end.

I hope you feel better soon.
*hugs*
~Diana

[originalnilson.livejournal.com]

You are sooooo not that bad. You're in a circle of general bummed outness, try not to get stuck, move around the house, do something, go outside and harrass a cat, just start laughing - force it then you may find you'll just start laughing naturally (that sounds really weird I know but it helps me when I'm feeling really depressed about my situation. I start joke laughing then I start laughing that I'm laughing and so on lol), put on your most favourite song - a song that makes you feel a bit giddy no matter what mood you're in, eat chocolate! Even if you're not in the mood to do these things do them anyway. Instead of saying I can't believe you can. You can get through this Nancy! You're amazing. I believe that you can. I'm doing this with you, you're not alone!

P.S. Ahem, I am an Art school drop out. I have completed two years of tafe but never got the certs because I failed History lol. I suck at writing. Doesn't matter though, one day I'll go back and try again. You could do that too if you wanted.

And dude, men are NOT the be all and end all of everything! I happen to have a man, he is not a symbol of my worth. I know that I would be me with or without him. And same goes for virginity, there was a reason I waited till I was in my 20's. I would have kept on going if I hadn't had a friend I was comfy with. There are so many people that wait and are better for it!

So, please, don't be so down on yourself, you don't need it - you are cool and have so many people that care about you 1# being your FAMILY you fool lol!

[greenforest-elf.livejournal.com]

Oh sweets I so understand where youre comming from! I feel so much of what you are saying.

I was actually lost in these thoughts today but more so I was wondering why Im 'content' not to ever own a fancy big big house or latest model car.... I always wonder whats wrong with me for not wanting more - like so many other ppl do/want/achieve... Ive often thought here must be a tonne of things wrong with me for not wanting some huge career, fancy high paying job, flash jewlery, jettsetting holidays..., blah blah blah..... I keep asking myself if Id only want those things to please others who exepct that everyone in this stupid world is the same.

I guess I have to decide to live my life for me or them :(

*HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS*

u have left a mark on my life and I have met you only once.

If c/link are hassling u then you should make an appointment to see my Dr (offer still stands for me to play chuffer for the day - tho Id looking shocking in a tux so u will just have to use your imagination keke oh and I dont have a limo but my car is silver kekeke

Im going to see her tomorrow, she is a legend in so many ways, I saw her last week coz my shoulder injury (not back at work) is not getting better and Im starting to spiral into frustration at everything coz doing everything hurts... anyway she doesnt make me feel guilty for the way I feel, nor does she tell me to just take some pills.... but yeah, I need more tests and scans to see whats wrong, physio is hinting at tendon damage... oh fun!!!!

Just let me know hun, am happy to help!!

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

First, you have skills and talents and such that many people would kill for. So, you haven't got some of your projects finished - you are working on them, and you will finish them.

Second, you've touched a lot of lives, just by being you. And in a positive way, plenty of people appear to have achieved a lot and all they have is money and people who dislike them, while you have made a lot of difference.

Third, yes chronic illness sucks, and I hate seeing how hard it is for you. But if Centrelink is connecting you with a group that specialises in people with chronic illness, treat it as an opportunity. Sure its going to be physically hard, but getting out and about will be good for you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

At the moment I can't even go a whole day without coming down with either a migraine or sharp gut pains. Walking into Claremont from my house leaves me absolutely wrecked and I sleep for about ten to twelve hours afterwards.

You see my problem, huh? :T

[lykeleia.livejournal.com]

How can you say that? You've touched so many people, around the world mind you, with your humor, your kindness, your personality, your art, your writing, your singing. You've incited laughter, and happiness... and emotion in people for goodness sakes. With all of your talents! Do you know how fun and wonderful and natural it is to laugh? Of course you do, you do it all the time and you love it just like the rest of us. You're able to do that till my sides hurt! And I love you for that, and for your sweetness and understanding when I'm down. I don't think anyone on my flist would comfort me nearly as well as you do if I had something bothering me. And they wouldn't take nearly as good care of me. You've been my friend the longest, and I love everything you've done... and more importantly, I love you. *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

God bless you, Sammie. You're fantastic. *hugs*

[lykeleia.livejournal.com]

*smooches* :p

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) I don't know what else to say. *verklempt*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

WAAAAAWSH yer veh-GAAAH-NUUUUH! (I just saw that skit the other day, I couldn't stop laughing!)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm all right now :)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darling, I really appreciate it. Very deeply!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I think my health was just getting to me, to be honest. My headaches have been bad this week.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It's good to know I'm not the only one that feels like this. Helps more than you realise! *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Dude, the very thought of you laughing at yourself makes me laugh. Only you, Tina, only you. LOL.

(and thanks, sis *hugs*)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Good luck with your doctor.

I didn't go to Centrelink - was too sick. I have to go tomorrow, I hope they're not mad at me.

Dude, I totally don't care about a house, a car, or any of those things either and I wonder if I'm some kind of simple fool or something. I live with my parents, but I like it. I like this house, I like the area. I like being with my parents. I don't have any problem getting along with them and it's no inconvenience to me. I don't think I'm suffering mentally or psychologically living with them. I'm very happy. Yet people sometimes act weird if I tell them my living situation. *shrugs* I usually mention the ridiculous property rates right now and they shut up.

[greenforest-elf.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) She is a legend, she has sent me for more tests and scoffed at my other dr for not getting me checked out proper!

YAY Im so glad to hear others dont want superficial shit too... I really use to think I was a nutter and wonder what was wrong with me not to desire so much. Friends couldnt understand why I said Id be happy to live in a shack on some land growing my own food, doing my own thing and out of the rat race as much as possible.

Its so silly for ppl to react to something like living with your folks, my bro does, he is 23, and he has the right idea coz he has it sweet! Our olds are great tho so its not an issue for anyone... yet some ppl react weird like if its mentioned. Like its anyones business but theres anyway!