What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

[logansrogue]

I was talking to Scotty tonight about life, we were both pretty down. It occurred to me that, of all the family, I am the biggest failure. I am:

- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!

I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.

I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.

The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.

How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.

Comments

[originalnilson.livejournal.com]

You are sooooo not that bad. You're in a circle of general bummed outness, try not to get stuck, move around the house, do something, go outside and harrass a cat, just start laughing - force it then you may find you'll just start laughing naturally (that sounds really weird I know but it helps me when I'm feeling really depressed about my situation. I start joke laughing then I start laughing that I'm laughing and so on lol), put on your most favourite song - a song that makes you feel a bit giddy no matter what mood you're in, eat chocolate! Even if you're not in the mood to do these things do them anyway. Instead of saying I can't believe you can. You can get through this Nancy! You're amazing. I believe that you can. I'm doing this with you, you're not alone!

P.S. Ahem, I am an Art school drop out. I have completed two years of tafe but never got the certs because I failed History lol. I suck at writing. Doesn't matter though, one day I'll go back and try again. You could do that too if you wanted.

And dude, men are NOT the be all and end all of everything! I happen to have a man, he is not a symbol of my worth. I know that I would be me with or without him. And same goes for virginity, there was a reason I waited till I was in my 20's. I would have kept on going if I hadn't had a friend I was comfy with. There are so many people that wait and are better for it!

So, please, don't be so down on yourself, you don't need it - you are cool and have so many people that care about you 1# being your FAMILY you fool lol!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Dude, the very thought of you laughing at yourself makes me laugh. Only you, Tina, only you. LOL.

(and thanks, sis *hugs*)