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I am absolutely delighted. The gender was the one I wanted! Not that I would have minded either way, but I had an instinct that it was one gender and I was worried my instinct was wrong. But I was right. :)

I have a video of the ultrasound session. I love watching it. It's about 20 minutes long and I love watching Bubsy wave, and wriggle, and its heartbeat, and its sweet little face in the 3D shots.

I love this baby more than anything I've ever loved in my life. :)
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Tomorrow I go to my 19 week scan to check on bubsy.

Every day now, I get naked before my shower and just look at my body. All my life, the pregnant body has been a source of wonder, joy, warmth. It was the body of a goddess to me, of a heightened state that I had seen so often. I think, on some level, in the past few years I'd convinced myself that it's a state I didn't deserve, that I wasn't good enough to achieve.

But here I am. My breasts are huge and heavy, they are like great ripe fruit, firm and round. And my belly, when hidden under clothes, is lost and small. But when I'm naked, and my regular fit curves and muscles are in stark contrast to these new lines: Round, firm, fertile... My heart is SO huge and full of love and excitement I can barely contain it. I stroke and caress them, not for me but for my baby inside. "I love you," I tell them, "I love you so much and I will never, ever stop loving you."

After having a miscarriage, each day with this wee child is a blessing. The reality of the change in my body is setting in, but I feel very little of the sadness of what my body has become. It is an immense blessing to me, something I never thought I would attain.

I feel SO lucky. I feel SO warm and complete. Little One, I wish I could tell you the change you have made in me. Already, at 19 weeks, I am a better person. And I just want to be better and better, all for you, my love.


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April 2017



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