What do I do? What the fuck do I do?
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueI was talking to Scotty tonight about life, we were both pretty down. It occurred to me that, of all the family, I am the biggest failure. I am:
- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!
I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.
I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.
The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.
How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.
- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!
I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.
I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.
The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.
How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-21 05:30 am (UTC)You see my problem, huh? :T