What do I do? What the fuck do I do?
Feb. 21st, 2007 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueI was talking to Scotty tonight about life, we were both pretty down. It occurred to me that, of all the family, I am the biggest failure. I am:
- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!
I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.
I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.
The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.
How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.
- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!
I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.
I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.
The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.
How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-21 02:06 am (UTC)I was actually lost in these thoughts today but more so I was wondering why Im 'content' not to ever own a fancy big big house or latest model car.... I always wonder whats wrong with me for not wanting more - like so many other ppl do/want/achieve... Ive often thought here must be a tonne of things wrong with me for not wanting some huge career, fancy high paying job, flash jewlery, jettsetting holidays..., blah blah blah..... I keep asking myself if Id only want those things to please others who exepct that everyone in this stupid world is the same.
I guess I have to decide to live my life for me or them :(
*HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS*
u have left a mark on my life and I have met you only once.
If c/link are hassling u then you should make an appointment to see my Dr (offer still stands for me to play chuffer for the day - tho Id looking shocking in a tux so u will just have to use your imagination keke oh and I dont have a limo but my car is silver kekeke
Im going to see her tomorrow, she is a legend in so many ways, I saw her last week coz my shoulder injury (not back at work) is not getting better and Im starting to spiral into frustration at everything coz doing everything hurts... anyway she doesnt make me feel guilty for the way I feel, nor does she tell me to just take some pills.... but yeah, I need more tests and scans to see whats wrong, physio is hinting at tendon damage... oh fun!!!!
Just let me know hun, am happy to help!!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-22 12:10 pm (UTC)I didn't go to Centrelink - was too sick. I have to go tomorrow, I hope they're not mad at me.
Dude, I totally don't care about a house, a car, or any of those things either and I wonder if I'm some kind of simple fool or something. I live with my parents, but I like it. I like this house, I like the area. I like being with my parents. I don't have any problem getting along with them and it's no inconvenience to me. I don't think I'm suffering mentally or psychologically living with them. I'm very happy. Yet people sometimes act weird if I tell them my living situation. *shrugs* I usually mention the ridiculous property rates right now and they shut up.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-23 11:26 am (UTC)YAY Im so glad to hear others dont want superficial shit too... I really use to think I was a nutter and wonder what was wrong with me not to desire so much. Friends couldnt understand why I said Id be happy to live in a shack on some land growing my own food, doing my own thing and out of the rat race as much as possible.
Its so silly for ppl to react to something like living with your folks, my bro does, he is 23, and he has the right idea coz he has it sweet! Our olds are great tho so its not an issue for anyone... yet some ppl react weird like if its mentioned. Like its anyones business but theres anyway!