Taking back my power.

[logansrogue]

I got a call this morning from the Sexual Assault Resource Centre from the doctor there. She called to ask me two things:

- Am I all right? (I'm not, but since I'm not slitting my wrists and it's past two weeks of the assault, it's no longer SARC's problem)
- Did I want to keep the evidence or did I want it destroyed? AM I going to the Police with this?

No. No I'm not. And I had to tell her that she could destroy the evidence. Something in me grieved at that point. I felt like I was losing a chance at justice. I felt like I would never be able to state to the world WHO hurt me so terribly, who violated me, who tried to take from me something vital and pure (that he couldn't touch no matter what he forced upon me).

And then I realised that I don't HAVE to be silent. Of course, I'm not going to be viciously spreading around to whoever will listen the sordid story of my sexual assault. I'm not malicious. Plus, I feel everyone has a right to a fair trial before people say "He did this" or "He did that".

But life isn't fair. And I haven't had a day in court to state my piece. I'll never get to say before a room of people what happened to me. And I mourn that lost opportunity.

I don't want to stop the man that hurt me from having a paying job. He has a kid to support - I don't want to interfere with that. I also don't want to smear his real legal name on the internet forever. Coming out with his full name WILL do that.

BUT... I am not afraid to speak his fandom name. That means when he goes out amongst the Sci-fi set here in Perth, those that know of me, know of my journal - THEY will know. And that's exactly who I want to know about it. I want every woman to know that they should NEVER EVER trust this man to be alone in a room with her. I want it so that NO OTHER WOMAN SUFFERS AS I HAVE. I want to go to sleep at night knowing that I've done what is reasonable and possible to make sure that other women are safe.

If you think what I've done is cruel, or you doubt my word - I don't want to know. If you have a problem with what I'm about to do in this post, keep it to yourself. Because if you air it with me, I will never speak to you again. I've flipped and flopped and agonized over this decision for FOUR MONTHS now. I worry about other people so much and this time, this time I need to worry about ME. This is MY life, MY happiness, and I'm not going to be apologetic or silent about something that was NEVER MY FAULT. I was a victim, and now I'm a survivor. I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be, even though at the same time, I wish I never had to discover it this way. I'm on a continual path of rebuilding my life - this post is a huge step towards that.

I am stating, in a public post, that terrycat sexually assaulted me. He asked to give me a therapeutic massage for my endo problems. He went too far, despite my clear communication that I wasn't interested in anything sexual. He would not take no for an answer. He tried to coerce me with sensual touching into a sexual act. Despite the fact that I've not been with another person sexually for some years and ached for companionship and to be touched, I knew this was wrong. I told him no and I backed away, but it was too late. He'd already tried to enter me with his fingers and was partially successful.

I swear to God above, the God I believe in and live by, that I am telling the truth as I know it. Terry may tell you otherwise. You may believe otherwise. All I can do is put the warning out to other women, and state my case for my own sanity and peace of mind.

I've said my piece. I'll never be quite the woman I was before this happened - but I can get pretty damned close. And perhaps in some ways, be more. Today I'm taking back my power (even though, in a way, I never lost it at all).

Comments

[robin99.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

I'm so sorry this terribleness happened to you and I'm proud of you for having the courage to post this.