Taking back my power.

[logansrogue]

I got a call this morning from the Sexual Assault Resource Centre from the doctor there. She called to ask me two things:

- Am I all right? (I'm not, but since I'm not slitting my wrists and it's past two weeks of the assault, it's no longer SARC's problem)
- Did I want to keep the evidence or did I want it destroyed? AM I going to the Police with this?

No. No I'm not. And I had to tell her that she could destroy the evidence. Something in me grieved at that point. I felt like I was losing a chance at justice. I felt like I would never be able to state to the world WHO hurt me so terribly, who violated me, who tried to take from me something vital and pure (that he couldn't touch no matter what he forced upon me).

And then I realised that I don't HAVE to be silent. Of course, I'm not going to be viciously spreading around to whoever will listen the sordid story of my sexual assault. I'm not malicious. Plus, I feel everyone has a right to a fair trial before people say "He did this" or "He did that".

But life isn't fair. And I haven't had a day in court to state my piece. I'll never get to say before a room of people what happened to me. And I mourn that lost opportunity.

I don't want to stop the man that hurt me from having a paying job. He has a kid to support - I don't want to interfere with that. I also don't want to smear his real legal name on the internet forever. Coming out with his full name WILL do that.

BUT... I am not afraid to speak his fandom name. That means when he goes out amongst the Sci-fi set here in Perth, those that know of me, know of my journal - THEY will know. And that's exactly who I want to know about it. I want every woman to know that they should NEVER EVER trust this man to be alone in a room with her. I want it so that NO OTHER WOMAN SUFFERS AS I HAVE. I want to go to sleep at night knowing that I've done what is reasonable and possible to make sure that other women are safe.

If you think what I've done is cruel, or you doubt my word - I don't want to know. If you have a problem with what I'm about to do in this post, keep it to yourself. Because if you air it with me, I will never speak to you again. I've flipped and flopped and agonized over this decision for FOUR MONTHS now. I worry about other people so much and this time, this time I need to worry about ME. This is MY life, MY happiness, and I'm not going to be apologetic or silent about something that was NEVER MY FAULT. I was a victim, and now I'm a survivor. I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be, even though at the same time, I wish I never had to discover it this way. I'm on a continual path of rebuilding my life - this post is a huge step towards that.

I am stating, in a public post, that terrycat sexually assaulted me. He asked to give me a therapeutic massage for my endo problems. He went too far, despite my clear communication that I wasn't interested in anything sexual. He would not take no for an answer. He tried to coerce me with sensual touching into a sexual act. Despite the fact that I've not been with another person sexually for some years and ached for companionship and to be touched, I knew this was wrong. I told him no and I backed away, but it was too late. He'd already tried to enter me with his fingers and was partially successful.

I swear to God above, the God I believe in and live by, that I am telling the truth as I know it. Terry may tell you otherwise. You may believe otherwise. All I can do is put the warning out to other women, and state my case for my own sanity and peace of mind.

I've said my piece. I'll never be quite the woman I was before this happened - but I can get pretty damned close. And perhaps in some ways, be more. Today I'm taking back my power (even though, in a way, I never lost it at all).

Comments

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

Icon says it all.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[lauredhel.livejournal.com]

Oh, logansrogue.

*hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[purrdence.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[boomstick.livejournal.com]

terrycat is the reason why people who are ACTUALLY trying to get into massage therapy (like my friend Kate) are constantly plagued with sexual jokes and come-ons.

What he did is NOT okay. It's disgusting and vulgar. Nobody...not you, not your friends, not any real massage therapist...will tell you that what he did was okay. Hell, Kate has to take specific classes on how to turn down advances from people who think she owes them a "happy ending".

Please don't let this leave a bad taste in your mouth for the REAL professionals...because a REAL massage therapist would never, ever do what that creepy, disgusting freak did to you.

*HUGS* from your entry, it looks like you'll be fine...I know you'll be fine!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. He's not a professional in any way, so I know that I'd be safe with someone properly trained in the field of massage therapy. Unfortunately I still tend to have a panic/tense up response to people rubbing my back, but it's slowly fading. I'm hoping one day I can have a massage without freaking out, but I figure it won't kill me if I don't have them anymore. It's a shame - I really loved having massages.

(I'm going to have to have some work on my knee, either way. I really fucked it in the topple I had the other day).

[greteldragon.livejournal.com]

oh man,

*many hugs*

It's hard, but I think I do need to thank you for writing that.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I just want the girls to know. He's perfectly safe in a room full of people obviously, I just want women to know not to be alone with him in a trusting situation like I was.

*big hugs* Thank you, Zoe.

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I am so so sorry :(

I am so upset by this - K and I both. It's not fucking acceptable, and you're so incredibly brave for saying this.

I promise I am here to back you up.

I promise that I believe you.

I showed this to K, whose first response was to believe you, and second response was to wonder why and to plan to contact him and call him on it.

I personally will just not be continuing the previous friendship - but I hope that it helps knowing that there are some guys out there who will also stand up and call people out on their fucked up behaviour.

*much love*

I hope this is coherent and makes sense... feel free to email me if you like.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

What K does is up to her, I don't want to be any influence on that whatsoever. The fact that you guys believe me, that anyone believes me, stuns me so much. For months I believed that no-one would believe me, that everyone knew me as that tart at the parties that flashed her boobs when she got too drunk, and it's just - not like that at all. I'm so stunned, I'm just - speechless, really.

Thank you so very much for your support. *hug*

[corglacier7.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you, Nance.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my darling. *hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darlin'. I'm not terrible. I mean, I've been better, but I'm surviving. In a way, I'm glad it was someone like me, someone that's been through depression before and has the tools to survive it, rather than a girl that might never have known it and didn't know how to deal with the trauma.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me, I'm scared. And my own sense of justice isn't happy at this outcome, because Terry hardly has a chance to defend himself. But I feel I've been forced to this place by circumstance - this situation is what it is and I'm doing the very best I can manage.

*hugs* Thanks for the support, darling.

[crzydemona.livejournal.com]

I'm very proud of you for this. Stand up and take back your power! :: HUGS :: you know we'll believe you and stand beside you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, man. I appreciate it, really. I hope to have a better night's sleep tonight for it all! (God or Goddess willing!)

[gracie-in-greek.livejournal.com]

God, lovey. I'm so sad and so proud of you, all at the same time. There are few, few, few people who would have been able to get themselves as strong as you are right now - especially without the advantage/'luxury' of outside help or closure, when it comes to something like this. You're amazing, and I'm just so sorry it happened at all. *Huuug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I feel strong in some ways, but in others I'm still valiantly trying to hold it all together. The support TOTALLY helps, but I still can't help but feel terrible that it came to this.

[hanabishirecca.livejournal.com]

You strength is simply amazing. Now if only a double-decker bus would fall out of the sky and crush the creep.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

No no, he's a father. That boy needs a Dad. But thank you.

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

You have my total and complete support. And I salute your bravery.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know I can always count on you, buddy. :)

[amichandrn.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: Even though I'm thousands of miles away, I've got your back. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I admire you SO much.

<3!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'm all verklempt! *hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you, darling. And nobody can take from me that which I'm not willing to give.

[litashields.livejournal.com]

This? Is amazing. I don't think I would be strong enough. Nacey, never stop being awesome *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Man, you guys are so nice to me. *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I got a creepy feeling from him from the first day I met him but I ignored it because I try to see the good in everyone. Wish I'd listened to my better judgement, now! :T

As I said to someone else, I just want women to know not to have one-on-one massages with the dude. I'm sure talking to him in a crowded room at a party or whatever would be fine.

Thank you for believing me, though. It means the world.

[sugaryfun.livejournal.com]

Can you get into trouble (for libel, or slander or whatever?) for posting this? Don't get me wrong, I believe you, I just don't want you to get into any trouble.

[daemonnoire.livejournal.com]

The most important aspect of proving a libel case is proving that the statement is a lie. Just because there isn't enough evidence to prosecute, doesn't mean there isn't enough evidence to support her case against any libel charges.

I made similar statements against my abuser, and when he threatened me over it, I pointed that out to him very clearly.

[xedra.livejournal.com]

You are totally my hero. *HUG*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh. Hero. I really have a lot of reverence to the concept of heroes, I mean, shit, I'm a comic artist. Feels totally weird to be called one, especially when I'm just doing what I can to survive and to make sure that the women I know don't have to feel this pain. It just feels like the decent thing to do on my end. *laugh*

Anyway, thank you, darling.

[tommmo.livejournal.com]

That was really very brave, Nancy. I'm so glad you found the strength to take this step. *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, mate. *hugs*

[callistra.livejournal.com]

Thank you for talking about this.
I believe you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(And your icon makes me smile - I read that book so many times in my first year of school. I'd sit in the library and read it again and again!)

[sugarjet03.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[lady-niav.livejournal.com]

You make me proud to call myself woman.

You are an inspiration.

I'm so very sorry this has happened, if there is anything I can I will be here for you :) *much hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, goodness! Thank you so much. I don't really know what to say! *gives you big hugs* I'm just surviving and looking out for my fellow ladies. We gotta stick together, ya know?

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

I am so damn proud of you right now, there are tears in my eyes. You just did something that a lot of assault victims never get to do, which is ID the person who did this to you. So on behalf of all of us who will never get to confront the fucker who hurt them, I say TAKE NO PRISONERS SWEETY!

*GIANT HUGS*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* Thanks, babe.

[robin99.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

I'm so sorry this terribleness happened to you and I'm proud of you for having the courage to post this.