Taking back my power.

[logansrogue]

I got a call this morning from the Sexual Assault Resource Centre from the doctor there. She called to ask me two things:

- Am I all right? (I'm not, but since I'm not slitting my wrists and it's past two weeks of the assault, it's no longer SARC's problem)
- Did I want to keep the evidence or did I want it destroyed? AM I going to the Police with this?

No. No I'm not. And I had to tell her that she could destroy the evidence. Something in me grieved at that point. I felt like I was losing a chance at justice. I felt like I would never be able to state to the world WHO hurt me so terribly, who violated me, who tried to take from me something vital and pure (that he couldn't touch no matter what he forced upon me).

And then I realised that I don't HAVE to be silent. Of course, I'm not going to be viciously spreading around to whoever will listen the sordid story of my sexual assault. I'm not malicious. Plus, I feel everyone has a right to a fair trial before people say "He did this" or "He did that".

But life isn't fair. And I haven't had a day in court to state my piece. I'll never get to say before a room of people what happened to me. And I mourn that lost opportunity.

I don't want to stop the man that hurt me from having a paying job. He has a kid to support - I don't want to interfere with that. I also don't want to smear his real legal name on the internet forever. Coming out with his full name WILL do that.

BUT... I am not afraid to speak his fandom name. That means when he goes out amongst the Sci-fi set here in Perth, those that know of me, know of my journal - THEY will know. And that's exactly who I want to know about it. I want every woman to know that they should NEVER EVER trust this man to be alone in a room with her. I want it so that NO OTHER WOMAN SUFFERS AS I HAVE. I want to go to sleep at night knowing that I've done what is reasonable and possible to make sure that other women are safe.

If you think what I've done is cruel, or you doubt my word - I don't want to know. If you have a problem with what I'm about to do in this post, keep it to yourself. Because if you air it with me, I will never speak to you again. I've flipped and flopped and agonized over this decision for FOUR MONTHS now. I worry about other people so much and this time, this time I need to worry about ME. This is MY life, MY happiness, and I'm not going to be apologetic or silent about something that was NEVER MY FAULT. I was a victim, and now I'm a survivor. I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be, even though at the same time, I wish I never had to discover it this way. I'm on a continual path of rebuilding my life - this post is a huge step towards that.

I am stating, in a public post, that terrycat sexually assaulted me. He asked to give me a therapeutic massage for my endo problems. He went too far, despite my clear communication that I wasn't interested in anything sexual. He would not take no for an answer. He tried to coerce me with sensual touching into a sexual act. Despite the fact that I've not been with another person sexually for some years and ached for companionship and to be touched, I knew this was wrong. I told him no and I backed away, but it was too late. He'd already tried to enter me with his fingers and was partially successful.

I swear to God above, the God I believe in and live by, that I am telling the truth as I know it. Terry may tell you otherwise. You may believe otherwise. All I can do is put the warning out to other women, and state my case for my own sanity and peace of mind.

I've said my piece. I'll never be quite the woman I was before this happened - but I can get pretty damned close. And perhaps in some ways, be more. Today I'm taking back my power (even though, in a way, I never lost it at all).

Comments

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

Icon says it all.

[lauredhel.livejournal.com]

Oh, logansrogue.

*hug*

[purrdence.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[boomstick.livejournal.com]

terrycat is the reason why people who are ACTUALLY trying to get into massage therapy (like my friend Kate) are constantly plagued with sexual jokes and come-ons.

What he did is NOT okay. It's disgusting and vulgar. Nobody...not you, not your friends, not any real massage therapist...will tell you that what he did was okay. Hell, Kate has to take specific classes on how to turn down advances from people who think she owes them a "happy ending".

Please don't let this leave a bad taste in your mouth for the REAL professionals...because a REAL massage therapist would never, ever do what that creepy, disgusting freak did to you.

*HUGS* from your entry, it looks like you'll be fine...I know you'll be fine!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. He's not a professional in any way, so I know that I'd be safe with someone properly trained in the field of massage therapy. Unfortunately I still tend to have a panic/tense up response to people rubbing my back, but it's slowly fading. I'm hoping one day I can have a massage without freaking out, but I figure it won't kill me if I don't have them anymore. It's a shame - I really loved having massages.

(I'm going to have to have some work on my knee, either way. I really fucked it in the topple I had the other day).

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[greteldragon.livejournal.com]

oh man,

*many hugs*

It's hard, but I think I do need to thank you for writing that.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I just want the girls to know. He's perfectly safe in a room full of people obviously, I just want women to know not to be alone with him in a trusting situation like I was.

*big hugs* Thank you, Zoe.

[purrdence.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the courage to name my attacker after it had happened. It took 6 years to even tell Drhoz...

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'm flip-flopping between elated and terrified. The fact that people have been supportive so far - I've cried with relief. For the first time in months, I feel that I can trust people again.

I hope you find some sort of recourse. *hugs you*

[boomstick.livejournal.com]

He's not licensed? I'm wondering if you could report him to the Better Business Bureau or something. What a sicko.

I wish you lived around here...Kate would give you a fantastic massage and you would have zero to worry about...plus it would be free! She's not allowed to charge for massages that she gives as field time for school.

[purrdence.livejournal.com]

Well I'm hoping that the person in question finally pisses one too many people off and is beaten to a bloody plup...

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh, I know how you feel. :T

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It wasn't a professional situation - just a friend helping out another friend. :T

I wish I lived around where you lived - I'd love to hang out with you some time. You look like a bunch of fun. :) Plus I think you'd be one of the rare people that'd find my brother as funny as I do!

[boomstick.livejournal.com]

Ugh. Well hopefully he's not planning on ever getting licensed...what a sleaze!

Hey, if you're ever in Westchester, New York...let me know!! And bring your brother too!

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I am so so sorry :(

I am so upset by this - K and I both. It's not fucking acceptable, and you're so incredibly brave for saying this.

I promise I am here to back you up.

I promise that I believe you.

I showed this to K, whose first response was to believe you, and second response was to wonder why and to plan to contact him and call him on it.

I personally will just not be continuing the previous friendship - but I hope that it helps knowing that there are some guys out there who will also stand up and call people out on their fucked up behaviour.

*much love*

I hope this is coherent and makes sense... feel free to email me if you like.

[corglacier7.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you, Nance.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

What K does is up to her, I don't want to be any influence on that whatsoever. The fact that you guys believe me, that anyone believes me, stuns me so much. For months I believed that no-one would believe me, that everyone knew me as that tart at the parties that flashed her boobs when she got too drunk, and it's just - not like that at all. I'm so stunned, I'm just - speechless, really.

Thank you so very much for your support. *hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my darling. *hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darlin'. I'm not terrible. I mean, I've been better, but I'm surviving. In a way, I'm glad it was someone like me, someone that's been through depression before and has the tools to survive it, rather than a girl that might never have known it and didn't know how to deal with the trauma.

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

K is a him, but yes - just letting you know that he finds it totally unacceptable and won't shrug it off.

Your behaviour has nothing to do with someone pushing things too far the way they did. I won't let anyone suggest otherwise.

[crzydemona.livejournal.com]

I'm very proud of you for this. Stand up and take back your power! :: HUGS :: you know we'll believe you and stand beside you.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, believe me, I'm scared. And my own sense of justice isn't happy at this outcome, because Terry hardly has a chance to defend himself. But I feel I've been forced to this place by circumstance - this situation is what it is and I'm doing the very best I can manage.

*hugs* Thanks for the support, darling.