Oh my goshbodkins!

Dude... My tits are so HUGE today!!! I'd give Tina a run for her money! I swear, this is the ONLY good bit about the week before my periods. Natural siziness!!

Oh. And by the by. Joss VS Warren? Funniest thing I've seen all day! Especially when Joss takes the piss out of fans. Bwahahahaha.

I really hate myself.

I'm looking through the photos I took of myself today. I don't know if I'll put them up or not - possibly not. I don't want people making fun of how I look. I'm terrified. I also feel I'm not pretty enough to make art out of.

I'm not being, you know, false and fishing for compliments or any shit like that. I honestly feel this way about myself and I feel like crying cause I feel like there's NOTHING I can do about it. I used to be so fucking skinny. I miss those days. I hate how I look now. I think I look terrible.

Not coping.

I don't know if' it's cause my period is due in the next three days, or whether it's because I've been in non-stop pain. I just feel like I'm going crazy. That all there is in my life is pain and coping with pain.

I want to go running. I want to go to a disco. I want to play at the beach. I want to swim twenty laps of the fifty-metre pool. I want to do fifty sit-ups and get my abs back. I want to walk to school, walk up that hill like it never bothered me like I used to. I want to rock on stage and feel alive. I want to have the energy to sing my best.

I do not want to need my heatpack more than once a month. I do not want to be taking any more pills for the pain. I do not want to miss another day of school for pain. I do not want to have to compromise on my life work because of my pain. I don't want to have to give up a session of drawing cause I'm just too sore.

I don't want to feel useless anymore. I don't want to feel old, or fragile, or ugly.

I want those hooks that rip at my insides to be melted and poured away. I want to feel strong and healthy again.