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logansrogueI used to be able to have a say in how my life went. I'd sleep when I needed to sleep, work when I needed to work, do what I needed to when I needed to do it.
Not anymore. I sleep when my body cannot take another moment of being awake. When my exhaustion overtakes the pain.
It's beautiful outside and I want to go for walks and have coffee in Perth and watch the world go by, wear lovely clothes and sexy shoes and meet people. Instead I'm waking up at 12 o'clock, staying in my jim-jams for longer than is necessary, counting my days by the TV shows I catch and what other people in the house are doing. I read my friends list religiously because it's my only link to a social circle anymore.
I feel isolated, alone, worthless, guilty, and a plethora of other self-debasing emotions that really aren't all that good for my mental health. I wonder if it's because it's a week before my period happens again. I kinda look forward to that, because after the first three days, I have the best days of the month. Maybe then I can go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine.
I'm going to go to an endometriosis specialist. I can't go on like this without trying to do something for myself.
Not anymore. I sleep when my body cannot take another moment of being awake. When my exhaustion overtakes the pain.
It's beautiful outside and I want to go for walks and have coffee in Perth and watch the world go by, wear lovely clothes and sexy shoes and meet people. Instead I'm waking up at 12 o'clock, staying in my jim-jams for longer than is necessary, counting my days by the TV shows I catch and what other people in the house are doing. I read my friends list religiously because it's my only link to a social circle anymore.
I feel isolated, alone, worthless, guilty, and a plethora of other self-debasing emotions that really aren't all that good for my mental health. I wonder if it's because it's a week before my period happens again. I kinda look forward to that, because after the first three days, I have the best days of the month. Maybe then I can go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine.
I'm going to go to an endometriosis specialist. I can't go on like this without trying to do something for myself.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:16 am (UTC)But, I do say this: God (or evolution, based on whichever you believe in) gave women uteruses and ovaries because they knew that we would be strong enough to handle them! So very corny, but I feel its true - men would never have survived if they had our organs!
So be strong! I have faith in you! YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN WITH SEXY SHOES :D You can make it through this!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:37 am (UTC)I recently had a partial mastectamy, so I completely understand being unable to do the things you want/need to do and feeling disgusted with your body. Sweetie, it's ok, and hopefully, you'll be able to meet with this specialist soon.
However, you are a fantabulous woman who has a shitty problem that limits what you can do. Not your fault. You have held it together really well, and I'm very proud of you.
PS: I saw a Dr. Who novel at the bookstore. If you want, I'll try to pick it up for you. It's with Martha, I believe.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:41 am (UTC)Thank you. *hugs* I need to transplant some cat grass for my cat. She's been vomiting and she needs to start eating grass, I think.
(I have the best friends list ever).
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 05:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 03:13 pm (UTC)I think it's good that you have an outlet to vent though because when you are feeling this way the worst feeling of all is that you're going through it alone. When all those thoughts are swimming around your head with nowhere to go, it's not fun.
I'm also glad that you have a perspective on all this too... that it's not forever, it will pass and life will get back to some state of normal :-)
Aaaaaand... now that I
have someone to share these pics with who won't point and snicker at meknow we share a common fandom, I give you:to hopefully make your day a little brighter :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 03:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 04:05 pm (UTC)See now I look at that pic and think "Oooo suave and sophisticated facial-hair Wil..."
:-D
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 03:17 pm (UTC)A number of years ago, I started having bladder problems. I had to go *all the time*. It was horrible. It turns out that I'd developed interstitial cystitis. It damn near ruined my life in more ways than one.
What I didn't realize until it was nearly too late was that the medical issues were exacerbating some mental and emotional issues. Stuff that I could cope with easily when I was well just didn't get dealt with. I spiralled into depression. Not eating, not sleeping well, not caring. Even when I was aware of the potential depression, I kept telling myself that I'd deal with the medical part first, and then deal with the depression aspects.
BZZT.
For me, it ended up being *vital* that I get my depression symptoms treated. In my case, this ended up being a combination of medication and talk therapy, among other things. Dealing with that gave me the confidence and energy (small as it was) and perspective to be able to deal with or at leasts endure the medical stuff, which ended up taking a *lot* longer to get to a manageable point.
Like I said, I don't know you that well other than enjoying reading about art and comics and stuff like that, so I don't know if you already have some medication or therapy options in place. If not, please look into it. You may or may not need it, but it's good to have that support if you do need it.
*hug*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 03:33 pm (UTC)I think I'm in a bit of a rut right now. I'm wary about getting into treatment because I don't want to be seen by someone that'll try to separate my depression from my health issues. I think everything is a big bundle and I really, really need whatever mental health professional that I see to understand that. That this isn't straight-forward depression. It's all mixed up with chronic pain suffering and losing a part of my life that meant the world to me.
I'm on the waiting list for pain management therapy and I'll be getting referred to a proper endometriosis specialist this week. Hopefully he might know of someone I can talk to about my emotional problems. Because I've been ignoring them for months and I think it's finally come to the point where I can't ignore it anymore.
Thank you for your care and your great advice. I'm very, very thankful.
Hugs,
Nancy.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-09-03 03:50 pm (UTC)I was normally able to cope with them just fine. But when dealing with all of the pain and suffering and WTF in *wrong* with me?!? aspects, that ability to cope went right out the window. And, honestly? If it hadn't been that particular medical issue, it probably would have been something else that would have triggered it for me and caused everything to snowball. (Like my current pregnancy, wherein I did decide that yeah, I'm much happier on a very low dose of my meds!)
In my case, getting the treatment for the situational depression meant that I was able to identify a lot of other stuff going on in my life (hellooooooo, control freak type A stress-ball!) and learn how to change or manage or avoid that type of thinking or acting. It really has changed my entire life and my perspective in ways that I wouldn't have imagined.
It's been said that finding a good therapist is like finding a good boyfriend. Sometimes you have to look around for a bit to find one who clicks and is the right fit. It has to be someone that you can trust, so that you can get all of the issues out into the open and deal with them.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with all of the gnarly intertwined issues. *hug* You seem to have a lot of supportive people on your flist as well as in real life-- don't hesitate to lean on them. :)