Hard time coping.

[logansrogue]

I've been having a real hard time coping with the illness in these past two weeks. I've been very frustrated and full of grief for the life I haven't been living. I'm overwhelmed by loss. I'm terrified of the financial position I'm in. I want to quit my course and take it up again in the latter half of the year when I'm better. But I know the government will put me on some stupid newstart allowance.

I just want TIME. Time to get better. Time to be healthy again. I want this sorted out and I want time to eat well and exercise and I know I'm never going to get it.

God. If I were healthy, I'd go dancing all night. I'd run, you know that? Break out into a run like, at the beach or on some pretty grass. Kick a football around. Dance to an ENTIRE CD worth of music with my niece instead of half a song like I manage these days. I'd go do karaoke. I'd do gigs and go to school and be ALIVE. Living, DOING things. Making beautiful art.

I've taken my health for granted so terribly in the past. I was crippled by my depression that I DIDN'T need to have! Yet I wouldn't be who I am now without it.

I fight it every day. It niggles at me, a sharp little shadow that tries to pull me down at any moment. It tells me I'm useless, that I'm not good for anything. That my life is over now, that if this thing IS endo, that it'll never leave me and that I'll have to change my lifestyle. That I'll have to give up music because I just don't have the stamina to do it anymore.

I always thought that one day I would have to give up the dream of being a big singer. Whether that was after a full career of success or a full career of trying hard, I wasn't fussed. As long as I had a shot. I really feel like I've had that shot stolen from me. I was too scared to shine when I was healthy, and now I know who I am and what I'm made of, of how really very awesome and remarkable I can be, my body is rebelling and giving up beneath me.

Then something in me bucks up. It takes the sharp shadow and throws it off.

If I have to produce music from a basement, I'm going to. Even if it takes me longer to release a CD. I don't fucking care. I have a goal and I'm fulfilling it.

I don't know what's going to happen with my health. There are no definite answers and after the op, it's going to be still more challenging yet. I have to find the right treatment to prevent the endo from coming back. There's a lot of awful stuff to go through. I'm so scared I'm not strong enough. Then I have a good cry, a really good fucking cry. It usually makes me feel better. I've been crying more often lately.

It's 27 days until I have my op. It looms larger in my mind every day. I know it's just day surgery but I've not been under local since I was a kid, getting a tooth fixed.

It's my wish, my most wholehearted and deepest wish that I've ever had, to get better. I thank you all for listening to me bitch and moan time and time again. It's not fun. I'm sure many people have stopped reading because the fun factor in this journal has plummetted in the last year.

Those of you that are still with me, even though I haven't brought out the same amount of art I used to, and music I used to, and fanfic I used to, and you know who you are, you know who you are cause you keep commenting, keep telling me to get better, keep joking with me and feeling sad for me time and time again...

THANK YOU

I couldn't do this without you. You're in this with me, even if you're on the other side of the world. Whenever I sign off with 'love' or I say "I love you" to you guys, I mean it. I really, really do. Thank you. From the very depths of my spirit.

Look at me, getting all fucking sentimental. I'm going to try to finish those recaps. Take care, guys.

-N

PS - Some lyrics by Kate Bush that have helped me through this:

Walk Straight Down The Middle

Can't move my arms,
Can't move my legs.
Can't say no,
I can't say yes.
Can't help myself.
I need your help.

(We go)
"Ooh, ooh, what do we do,
Now we just can't move?"
We're calling out for Middle Street.

"Ooh, ooh, what do we do,
Now we just can't move?"
We hang on to every line,
And walk straight down the middle of it.

He thought he was gonna die,
But he didn't.
she thought she just couldn't cope,
But she did.
We thought it would be so hard,
But it wasn't...
It wasn't easy, though!

Can't say yes,
I can't say no.
Can't begin,
Can't let go...
Help me now.

(We go)
"Ooh, ooh, what do we do,
Now we just can't move?"
We're calling out for Middle Street.

"Ooh, ooh, what do we do,
Now we just can't move?"
We hang on to every line,
And walk straight down the middle of it.

He thought he was gonna die,
But he didn't.
She thought she could never cope,
But she did.
We thought it was all over,
But it wasn't...
It hadn't started yet.

And walk straight down the middle of it.
And walk straight down the middle of it.
"d^^^^^^^^^^ d^^^^^^^^^^", calling out for Middle Street.
Calling out for Middle Street, "d^^^^^^^^^^ d^^^^^^^^^^^".
Walking straight down the middle of it. "d^^^^^^^^^^^^^^".

That d^^^^^^ means a sort of drrrrrr! Drrrrr! With a rolled 'r', it kind of sounds like a bird call.

Comments

[fallimar.livejournal.com]

I still love you :)

*huggles and smooches*

You'll get where you want to go, because you're able and willing. That's all you need at your end, we plebs just need to give you support to help you along.

You've got mine, anyway :)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you, darling. It really does mean a lot. I really feel blessed that I have such great friends behind me as I'm going through this. Thanks.

[berenicepotter.livejournal.com]

You bitch made cry!!! DX

I love you, Nancy! And I'm here hoping the best for you! You can do it, woman! :) I have faith in you *HUGS*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I love you too, darling, I really, really do. Your faith and love means the utter WORLD to me. *kisses and tight hugs*

[lykeleia.livejournal.com]

*sniff*

Oh darling! *HUGS YOU*

You're one heck of a lady, ya know. To go through so much and just keep pushing on. It's quite amazing.

You just keep pushing, keep trying, keep living... do whatever it is you feel you have to do.

And I promise when you're well and famous, I will have front row seats to your show. :)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. Bless you, darling. There are people that go through WAY more than me. Like my friend Naomi and many other people have fibromyalgia. I couldn't imagine having that. I'm so weak compared to them! And there are people with endo that have cysts and absolutely can't have children or anything. That's worse. But thank you. :) *hugs*

[lykeleia.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Still, any pain like that is no easy thing.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

No, it's most certainly not easy.

[myemmie.livejournal.com]

A little story:

I worked in an inpatient rehabilitation facility for almost 5 years. These were people who were not "sick," and so could not stay in a hospital, but were not able to care for themselves at home. These were folks recovering from strokes, heart attacks, all kinds of surgeries, illnesses, and car accidents.

I have been with people for months, as they struggled to breathe and eat on their own....then to see them learn to talk again, to get up and become ALIVE again, and to walk out of the building completely independant.

It takes time, often a LOT more time than what you want it to. But for the people with the willpower to push through, recovery is almost always inevitable. I know that you can and that you will get this all under control.

(And your chance will wait for you. Never fear. The world is full of opportunities, and you will have as many as you want, I know, as soon as you can get back in the game.)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks. As I said to Sammie, I know that I'm better off than a lot of people, and when I think like that I feel stupid for being so wimpy about the pain. I am determined, though, to find some way through or around this. Cause I have too much going on, man! LOL!

[leopardeternal.livejournal.com]

My Dad has always said where theirs a will there's a way. I've taken that statement to heart in comming to this city and school, and its what put me on the path to where I will be going in the future.

You have that same drive, and knowing you will do whatever it takes is the will that gets you through. Not some laim ass, I'll try, or maybe someday... no you've stated it on your own "If I have to produce music from a basement, I'm going to. Even if it takes me longer to release a CD. I don't fucking care. I have a goal and I'm fulfilling it."

I look forward to your CD. And if you ever tour in the US, look me up I'll feed ya diner.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Awesome. For the record, I love mexican food. LOL! *grins and hugs*

[leopardeternal.livejournal.com]

Nancy Lorenz, Mexican Food, Check

Be warned, when I have people over to eat, I also put them to work ;P

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

That's all right. I do that by reflex. I'm all, "Hey, want help cleaning up?" Just the way I was raised. :D

[leopardeternal.livejournal.com]

Oh no no, although I'd apreciate that help, no. You'll be making one of the dishes.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

...Oh. Okay. Uhm... you realise I'm a crap cook, right? I make a good self-saucing pudding, though.

[leopardeternal.livejournal.com]

Thats half the fun... I should introduce you to my last girlfriend, she thought the same way, but she made good food under me

Um... take that literally, not suggestively

unless you want to

[phoenixwriter.livejournal.com]

27 days are tad bit long...I think. I hope your health problems will be solved through this and you finally can be yourself again. You're quite an amazing person with a great kind of humour and many talents which will be there, still there when you're fine again. Don't let yourself put under such a pressure.

My best wishes.
Take care,
Diana

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweety. I've always put myself under pressure when it comes to my career. Whatever I've done, I've known I can do better. I'm finally at a place where I'm making music that excites me, and the illness is kinda getting in the way. Well, not for TOO long, I hope. God willing.

[fair-terentia.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know I don't often comment but I read it all and I think you're incredibly courageous. I can't imagine what it must be like to live with that kind of pain but you keep going through it all. You WILL get better and be a musician. Hang on in there!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks dude, this comment means a lot. *hugs* Don't worry, I will. :D

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

::big hugs::

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Sayid! Other!Charlie! Yay! LOL. Cool icon, man! *hugs you*

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

Love you, sweetie. Hang in there.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I love you too. *hug*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. The amazing regenerative powers of Kate Bush. She is a Goddess in her field. *nods* Well, in anything really, she's just awesome. *hugs*

[nousia.livejournal.com]

Oh, Nancy. *HUGS*

You can do it. ♥

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you *HUGS*

[rainfletcher.livejournal.com]

Lurve you, Nace.

Many hugs,

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

You too, sweety. *hugs* And I still haven't forgotten your commission. YOU WILL get it!

[gracie-in-greek.livejournal.com]

'Love you so much, babe.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

You too, my darling! *hug*

[ana-christina.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's going to happen with my health.

I do... It's easy figuring out the answer if you phrase the problem like this:

Good things happen to Good people
Nancy is Good people
Ergo: Good things will happen to Nancy
Ergo: She'll get better

I truly believe you are an amazing individual, and for this reason I know you will be fine, as demonstrated above. I'll be waiting to do a happy dance when this happens.

*hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'll video-tape it. :D *hugs*