Why the hell am I depressed?!

I've been depressed for the past three days. At first I thought it was coming off of codeine but it's not. I'm feeling that maybe this is connected to the abuse somehow, but I'm not sure. I can't wait to see the psych next Thursday. I *really* need a good head-reading. *sigh*

I really don't know why I'd be depressed. I have a wonderful new man in my life, I should be totally happy, shouldn't I? This is so fucking weird.

One half-hour conversation with my love later...

*deep calm sigh* I feel a bit better. I feel centred. He understands me like no man has ever understood be before, and he cares so much... God, it brings happy tears to my eyes.

I think he's becoming a safe space for me. Somewhere where I know I won't be harmed. I really needed one and he came along. He brings me such calmness, such peace.

He left his shoes here, and he has to come back and get them. I admitted to him that them being there was a point of comfort for me. He said he'd leave me a nice shirt or something to remind me of him while he's gone.

I'll miss him so much. He's the most amazing guy I have ever, ever met. Such kindness in him, such pure kindness. It steals words from my lips so all I can do is look at him and sigh. Sometimes I wish I had the words to tell him quite what he means to me. But words can never capture the emotion that overflows in me.

It's like I'm dealing with this problem, but there are warm arms there, waiting for me to sink into if it becomes too much. The depth and the strength of love awes me sometimes. And it brings happy tears to my eyes when I think of someone being moved to such sweet actions because of little old me.

Paul is something very, very special. I don't know what I did to be so blessed. But it IS a blessing.