Why the hell am I depressed?!

[logansrogue]

I've been depressed for the past three days. At first I thought it was coming off of codeine but it's not. I'm feeling that maybe this is connected to the abuse somehow, but I'm not sure. I can't wait to see the psych next Thursday. I *really* need a good head-reading. *sigh*

I really don't know why I'd be depressed. I have a wonderful new man in my life, I should be totally happy, shouldn't I? This is so fucking weird.

Comments

[secrets-n-lies.livejournal.com]

my completely non-professional opinion is that it's probably a subconscious backlash regarding the abuse, maybe because you have an awesome man in your life now?

considering the abuse concerns matters of both a sexual nature and issues of trust, it's only normal that your brain might be having some internal blips it has to overcome regarding your new situation.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think so. *sigh*

[helen-jess.livejournal.com]

Just remember that depression is a chemical imbalance, not a reaction to things around you. The most succesful, rich, beautiful and should be happy people get depression.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Be good to yourself, don't listen to your dad! Take a walk perhaps? The world is so beautiful, if nothing else, I find it often creates rather than happiness, a feeling of calm.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, Helen. I think that it's a bit more than a chemical imbalance this time, I think there's abuse trauma that needs to be sorted with.

I hate Terry so much right now.

[helen-jess.livejournal.com]

Is that who did it to you? OMFG! I want to stab him in the face!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yes. I was too scared to say before.

This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

Free Psychiatric Advice, Worth Twice What You Pay Me For It:

A very short time ago, really, your sex was used as a weapon against you. It was done by a man you trusted. Trusted enough, if I understand the situation correctly, to give him access to your sex.

Now you're involved in a relationship with a wonderful new man. Sex is involved with that somewhee. This is the case even if, at this point, you've gone no further physically than snogging.

Of course there's conflict! Part of you wants to to be with your new fella, naked and thrusting and exchanging orgasms and bodily fluids. Another part is screaming in terror that the last man whose touch was there hurt you terribly. That to even think about letting another man "go there" is to invite catastrophe!

I can't tell you anything to make this better, but I can tell you that how you feel is how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with it. This is how you're supposed to feel. Talk with your pshrink when you can, and s/he will almost certainly have answers to offer you, to build toward a solution.

But for now, it's okay to feel like this.

Re: This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*nods* It hurts me to feel this way about someone I love so much.

Re: This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

You don't feel this way about Paul. You feel it about sex, and your attacker. Now, my own impulse is to suggest that you emphasize to yourself that your attack, even if it was full-out rape, was not sex. It was violence that happened to use the same organs.

There is no more in common between that attack and sex than there is between a caress and a punch. (Consider: both involve using the hand to apply pressure and friction to someone's skin. Same thing, right? But, obviously, there is all the difference in the world.)

But here, we get into territories that are more dangerous, and my advice is not to be valued more than what you can read on the back of a crisps packet.

Re: This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

LOL. Well, it wasn't all out rape, it was more of a fondling assault and attempted penetration with a digit, but I stopped it.

You're right, of course, but it's so hard to transfer that logical understanding into my feelings. I just keep running into a blind wall of panic.

Re: This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[leviathan0999.livejournal.com]

And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how you're supposed to feel this soon after an assault.

I wrote here before, a few weeks ago, about how it enrages me that sexual assault robs the victim of one of life's great pleasures, and this is exactly what I meant.

All I can say -- and Jesus, is it ever lame! -- is to take your time. If he's worthy of your love, he'll wait until you're ready.

Re: This sounds like a job for Doctor Jonathan, Armchair Psychoanalyst!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

He will, he's a wonderful man.

[xedra.livejournal.com]

*BIG HUG* for you, darlin.