I want a proper God-damn catch up post!

So I'm writing one.

I waffle on about a lot of crap in my journal. I've been very inward these past months and I am so sorry, everyone. I was starting to wonder why I felt so isolated and it only sort of occurred to me that I felt isolated because I'm *cutting myself off* from the world.

Those that know me well know I tend to go through what I call 'hermit' stages. I retreat into my own mind and mull and ponder all these creative things that I'm working on. I'm writing all the time. All the time things are bubbling away in my brain and eventually, there'll be an explosion and a result that I'll get to share with you all.

Unfortunately as my skill levels rise in my work, so do the standards I place on myself and the time it takes to finish these things. I miss writing a fic in a week and sharing it with people. I miss looking at a body of work and feeling proud. I guess I preferred the feeling of looking at an entire story that took years to write and feeling proud cause I knew it was solid, well-done and something I could show to someone without wincing. I can't really say that of most of my earlier fan-fic. I'm talking about fic and art and stuff cause it's how I met so many of you, and I feel that I've lost that connection. I miss my peeps. But it's a change I know is going to happen as I ease up on the fan work and concentrate on my original work. It has to happen, and I know it'll disappoint some people but it's something that has to happen, I think.

I actually went through a bit of my friends list tonight. If you've had heavy shit happen and I've been silent on the matter - I'm so sorry. I've been concentrating on myself like a nit the past months and I hate the thought that I haven't been there for some people. I look at my friends list and think of all the fun online and offline times I've had with the people there and I miss you all *so* much! I love you all terribly and I feel blessed that so many wonderful people have spent their time with me.

For those that have kept commenting in my journal through these awfully emo months of mine - thank you. I keep lamenting in the change in my personality since getting endometriosis. I keep thinking I'm no fun anymore and I really have to stop that shit. Endo isn't fun but I am. Sometimes I have to talk about it, and if people can't deal with that then I can't help it. I don't even want people to do anything or suggest anything. Sometimes all one needs to hear is, "I love you, you'll get through this." For those that repeatedly do that for me (I'm talkin' to you, Nitya, you know I am!) I can't thank you enough. Your patience and love astound me!

It is pumpkin time, folks. Halloween. I shall be getting into the spirit this year! Watch out! :-P

Health update!

Okay. So I should really call it a "Bad Health" update cause it's really not getting any better. Endo has definitely been getting worse. I can't go to Pride this year cause last year, I was actually healthy and could therefore do all the traipsing around, drinking and general lollygaggery that such a fun festival involves. I shall be going to a friend's Halloween party instead (which promises to be some fun since people there are very naughty). I hope it is. I feel bad for not going to Pride, and I really wanted to see Kim there (Oh Kim! I miss you!) but my health is just not going to permit it. I'll probably just sit in the corner of Ebbie's party and try to convince someone to come close enough for me to fondle them. And at some point, I'll probably bury my face in Ebbie's wonderful breasts. But if you could do that, you'd do it too cause they're marvellous!

Every day is a day of pain. There are no days where I'm not in some amount of pain. There are days where the pain is little enough that I don't mind it. There aren't any days where the pain is gone. I am back on the codeine again. I hate that I'm on it and I feel like I've totally fallen off the wagon. The worst thing is that the codeine is fucking with my moods. If I don't take it after a couple of days I get a mild-to-oppressive downer. But I don't really know what else to do, I'm in so much pain. The other days it was actually making me jerk away from the smarting. Like, I was walking along and it would throb and I would go "OW! OW! OW!" and jerk away like Peter Garrett (Fucking Labor WHORE!) in Blue Sky Mining. The pain is so intense that I actually have to vocalise the discomfort. I'm like that as a person but fucking hell. OW!

I can't walk long distances. In fact, I can barely really walk at all other than a couple of hundred metres at a time. I'm actually starting to feel quite nauseous in the mornings again too, now. I did some painting the other day and had to stop in the middle of the day. I was exhausted. My exhaustion is really fucking irritating cause I get tired for NO fucking reason. No matter when I go to sleep, when I sleep I sleep for twelve hours. They say that if you sleep too much, you'll die younger. At this rate I'm popping off at fifty!

Computer games have been the saviour of my sanity lately. I feel terribly guilty for sitting around playing computer games, but I swear sometimes that is all I *can* do, I'm in so much pain. Anything amusing and not taxing on my energy and concentration is good. I always feel so useless and lazy after a day of it, though. I think of all the things I *should* be doing and start hating on myself. Bad mental habit of mine! I have to keep repeating to myself that I'm sick, that it's not my fault, and that all I can do is rest and wait and not to punish myself for needing to do that.

It's late, I'm actually tired for once (probably the codeine doing its thing) and I want to try to get things done tomorrow. *crosses fingers* Love you all!

Chatterbots are fun!

Me: What language is that?
Jabberwacky: Melvin language.
Me: LOL! Who is this Melvin you keep talking about?
Jabberwacky: But, there is no one else!
Me: Yes there is! There's Prince! And Roger Daltrey!
Jabberwacky: You're sure we won't be fooled again?

!!!!!!