I've been having a real hard time coping with the illness in these past two weeks. I've been very frustrated and full of grief for the life I haven't been living. I'm overwhelmed by loss. I'm terrified of the financial position I'm in. I want to quit my course and take it up again in the latter half of the year when I'm better. But I know the government will put me on some stupid newstart allowance.
I just want TIME. Time to get better. Time to be healthy again. I want this sorted out and I want time to eat well and exercise and I know I'm never going to get it.
God. If I were healthy, I'd go dancing all night. I'd run, you know that? Break out into a run like, at the beach or on some pretty grass. Kick a football around. Dance to an ENTIRE CD worth of music with my niece instead of half a song like I manage these days. I'd go do karaoke. I'd do gigs and go to school and be ALIVE. Living, DOING things. Making beautiful art.
I've taken my health for granted so terribly in the past. I was crippled by my depression that I DIDN'T need to have! Yet I wouldn't be who I am now without it.
I fight it every day. It niggles at me, a sharp little shadow that tries to pull me down at any moment. It tells me I'm useless, that I'm not good for anything. That my life is over now, that if this thing IS endo, that it'll never leave me and that I'll have to change my lifestyle. That I'll have to give up music because I just don't have the stamina to do it anymore.
I always thought that one day I would have to give up the dream of being a big singer. Whether that was after a full career of success or a full career of trying hard, I wasn't fussed. As long as I had a shot. I really feel like I've had that shot stolen from me. I was too scared to shine when I was healthy, and now I know who I am and what I'm made of, of how really very awesome and remarkable I can be, my body is rebelling and giving up beneath me.
Then something in me bucks up. It takes the sharp shadow and throws it off.
If I have to produce music from a basement, I'm going to. Even if it takes me longer to release a CD. I don't fucking care. I have a goal and I'm fulfilling it.
I don't know what's going to happen with my health. There are no definite answers and after the op, it's going to be still more challenging yet. I have to find the right treatment to prevent the endo from coming back. There's a lot of awful stuff to go through. I'm so scared I'm not strong enough. Then I have a good cry, a really good fucking cry. It usually makes me feel better. I've been crying more often lately.
It's 27 days until I have my op. It looms larger in my mind every day. I know it's just day surgery but I've not been under local since I was a kid, getting a tooth fixed.
It's my wish, my most wholehearted and deepest wish that I've ever had, to get better. I thank you all for listening to me bitch and moan time and time again. It's not fun. I'm sure many people have stopped reading because the fun factor in this journal has plummetted in the last year.
Those of you that are still with me, even though I haven't brought out the same amount of art I used to, and music I used to, and fanfic I used to, and you know who you are, you know who you are cause you keep commenting, keep telling me to get better, keep joking with me and feeling sad for me time and time again...
THANK YOU I couldn't do this without you. You're in this with me, even if you're on the other side of the world. Whenever I sign off with 'love' or I say "I love you" to you guys, I mean it. I really, really do. Thank you. From the very depths of my spirit.
Look at me, getting all fucking sentimental. I'm going to try to finish those recaps. Take care, guys.
-N
PS - Some lyrics by Kate Bush that have helped me through this:
( Lyrics... )![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
