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logansrogueAN: Please keep in mind that this entire angry rant is using the general "you", not the specific "you". Oh for days when we had a choice between "You" and "Thou".
So! You're progressive! You're forward-thinking, forward-acting, and you care about the little people. Bravo!
But don't get too comfortable. Nobody's perfect - that's what it is to be human! In your striving to be compassionate, to be intellectual and logical, however, be careful not to pad your conscience with the bumper zone of being an apologist. Whether that be in charges of racism, sexism, misogyny or what the hell ever.
This Post and subsequent thread at Jezebel illustrates just that.
People seem to be having a really hard time parsing the fact that rapists are Nice People Too. They care for their grandmothers, they look after their babies, they help you out when you're down! They are people's brothers, husbands, best friends, relatives. It really hurts when you find out that someone you care about or have been social with is actually a predator. It sucks, but believe me when I tell you, you are doing nobody any favours by dismissing their crimes as mistakes, or as one-time affairs.
Let me explain it as simply as I can.
Rape happens because one person thinks they're entitled to another person's body. Rape happens because the perpetrator has huge fucking psychological problems and can't deal with life on their own. So to compensate for that, they scrabble for control by taking control of other people's bodies. This is a learnt behaviour that is integral to who they are as a person. Many values and behaviours branch from this deep belief of entitlement.
A rapist is someone who thinks their mental well-being is more important than YOUR life and happiness. Than your safety, your security, your mental well-being.
They are selfish bastards that will put themselves above other people.
Not all people, of course. Not usually men, not particular women or children. No, not everyone. And there-in lies the fucking problem.
"He's never hurt me," people think. "It would be rude not to talk to them." "One act doesn't mean you still can't be a good person!" "But he was so nice to me all those years!"
By even airing this stuff as a default, by bringing this up every time a rapist is discussed, it is both bringing the victim into doubt and minimizing the crime. This happens enough in our culture. This shit isn't said in a vacuum, and every time someone assumes a rapist is a great guy, they're ignoring the victim, belittling their pain and their right to justice.
What about the victims? Aren't they usually great people too? Mothers and wives and daughters and sisters and cousins. I'm sure some of them like dancing, or helping rescue puppies and kittens. They might even like to go swimming or give to charity or help at the local homeless shelter.
Then one day some buttwipe decides that their own power and satisfaction is more important than that victim's selfhood.
Hundreds of thousands of people make excuses for him. And then the culture thinks it's okay. The victim is silenced. The predator is given voice and priority.
Don't be an apologist. What kind of person the rapist is is never, ever the issue. It doesn't matter. What matters is that someone is hurt and that we must stop people being hurt.
~~*~~
A/N2: Please understand that I navigated my own great anger, hurt and fury at the world to write this post. Use some sensitivity if you're going to disagree with me, but really - I rather you just didn't bring it up if you do.
So! You're progressive! You're forward-thinking, forward-acting, and you care about the little people. Bravo!
But don't get too comfortable. Nobody's perfect - that's what it is to be human! In your striving to be compassionate, to be intellectual and logical, however, be careful not to pad your conscience with the bumper zone of being an apologist. Whether that be in charges of racism, sexism, misogyny or what the hell ever.
This Post and subsequent thread at Jezebel illustrates just that.
People seem to be having a really hard time parsing the fact that rapists are Nice People Too. They care for their grandmothers, they look after their babies, they help you out when you're down! They are people's brothers, husbands, best friends, relatives. It really hurts when you find out that someone you care about or have been social with is actually a predator. It sucks, but believe me when I tell you, you are doing nobody any favours by dismissing their crimes as mistakes, or as one-time affairs.
Let me explain it as simply as I can.
Rape happens because one person thinks they're entitled to another person's body. Rape happens because the perpetrator has huge fucking psychological problems and can't deal with life on their own. So to compensate for that, they scrabble for control by taking control of other people's bodies. This is a learnt behaviour that is integral to who they are as a person. Many values and behaviours branch from this deep belief of entitlement.
A rapist is someone who thinks their mental well-being is more important than YOUR life and happiness. Than your safety, your security, your mental well-being.
They are selfish bastards that will put themselves above other people.
Not all people, of course. Not usually men, not particular women or children. No, not everyone. And there-in lies the fucking problem.
"He's never hurt me," people think. "It would be rude not to talk to them." "One act doesn't mean you still can't be a good person!" "But he was so nice to me all those years!"
By even airing this stuff as a default, by bringing this up every time a rapist is discussed, it is both bringing the victim into doubt and minimizing the crime. This happens enough in our culture. This shit isn't said in a vacuum, and every time someone assumes a rapist is a great guy, they're ignoring the victim, belittling their pain and their right to justice.
What about the victims? Aren't they usually great people too? Mothers and wives and daughters and sisters and cousins. I'm sure some of them like dancing, or helping rescue puppies and kittens. They might even like to go swimming or give to charity or help at the local homeless shelter.
Then one day some buttwipe decides that their own power and satisfaction is more important than that victim's selfhood.
Hundreds of thousands of people make excuses for him. And then the culture thinks it's okay. The victim is silenced. The predator is given voice and priority.
Don't be an apologist. What kind of person the rapist is is never, ever the issue. It doesn't matter. What matters is that someone is hurt and that we must stop people being hurt.
~~*~~
A/N2: Please understand that I navigated my own great anger, hurt and fury at the world to write this post. Use some sensitivity if you're going to disagree with me, but really - I rather you just didn't bring it up if you do.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-23 07:07 am (UTC)Our culture of Silence disgusts me, and I think it is WRONG to apologise for any rapist, no matter how 'nice' they can be. No matter how many different facets to their personality. If one of those facets is 'I raped someone,' they go into my 'pile of useless piece of shit human beings.'
And if one of my friends continues to apologise for rapists, despite knowing this stuff, they also go into that pile too, because I'm just a bitch that way.
As it turns out, there are a lot of useless piece of shit human beings out there.
(Sorry for swearing, but I totally agree with you.)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-23 07:22 am (UTC)And it's not that I don't care or don't think people deserve second chances. It's that I've already been hurt and I deserve better than this shit.
Plus, once you're a victim, you don't ignore either warning signs or softness on those that would hurt you. Cause it's too dangerous to be around that. Or it feels that way.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-23 07:25 am (UTC)What so many don't realise, is that it's dangerous for *them* too, and it's just easier for them to live in a bubble. And that's sad, because if people listened to you, and trusted you, there'd be a lot more safe people out there. Because that's not even ignorance anymore, that's a choice to live in a bubble.
I just can't be around that sort of choice. I can't be around a choice to keep silent. And I can't be around choices that put me or the people I care about in danger.
As stupid as it sounds, at least we try and protect ourselves. So many people don't. :/
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-23 07:33 am (UTC)But nobody told me that I didn't have to put up with being uncomfortable to appease men. Nobody told me that it was OKAY to be rude to your friends if you were scared. Nobody taught me the really important bloody lessons.
Not that it mattered, because it happened anyway, no matter how many women I went out with at night, how careful I was to wear shoes I could run in or not be alone with strangers.
It was by a friend that I knew for years in my own damned bedroom.
I wish people would understand that what's best for the victim is usually what's best for society as a whole. :(
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-25 10:13 pm (UTC)Oh HELL yeah. It took me ages to figure this out. My safety is worth more than the small possibility that he might be irritated or embarrassed.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-26 02:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-25 09:29 pm (UTC)Well said. I wouldn't say it's AS bad as rape, but it's damn close. I won't even speak to people who have that attitude.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-26 02:08 am (UTC)