Time comes to step up and do something.
Nov. 23rd, 2008 03:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueWe need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?
- Ray Bradbury
I was talking to my mother today about a horrible trial I read about. A man had date-raped twenty women. Sometimes repeatedly. He raped them brutally, even leaving one woman unconscious and left to sit a pool of her own menstrual blood. (She was so ashamed about the mess she made that she sent the man a new set of sheets). Ten women stood up in court and told how he romanced them online, took them out to a wonderful date, acted the chivalrous, handsome man of their dreams. He would buy them drinks, and in one of them, slip them drugs he no doubt knew how to use from being an out of work paramedic and nurse. He would tell the women that he was an ER doctor, by the by. All to lure them into the illusion. He would use the women's disorientation to his advantage. He would violate them in the most horrible way, but he'd act completely charming both before and afterwards. Like he'd done nothing wrong whatsoever.
He is a serial rapist of the most horrendous kind, of every woman's nightmare. And before a court of law he was found NOT GUILTY because the women that suffered by his hand had agreed to go on a date with him, had had a couple of drinks before passing out from the roofie, had let the man lead them to the car and had talked to him to sort out what had happened afterward. Had been brutally drugged and raped again when meeting the man to confront him verbally about it.
People seem to think that the only kind of rape that's a real rape is the kind of rape you might see in a movie or on TV. Woman walking alone on a dark night, gets grabbed by a stranger and taken by force, raped, and then the stranger runs off into the night.
The thing is, though, is that this doesn't happen most of the time when it comes to real rape cases. Most of the time when a woman is violated by someone they know, they don't immediately realise what has happened and usually if anyone is punished by the horrifying event, it's the woman.
The horrible truth is that after something like that happens to you, you're in shock. Hell, WHILE it's happening to you, you're in shock. The realisation comes out in painful bursts of shame in days and months to come. It's hard enough to even admit that it happened to you, let alone overcome the guilt that consumes you and realise that it's not your fault.
How can hey expect a woman, in the throes of both pain and -yes- betrayal (it was someone they knew, someone they trusted!), to be entirely logical hours or even days after such an event? This serial rapist I mentioned avoided jail because the women had shown some sexual interest in him before the rape had occurred.
How wrong is this? How wrong is all of it? It happens to women all the time. After I had my horrible experience, I didn't stay quiet, mainly because telling every fucking soul I knew was my way of coping, of saying to the world "Hey, this happened and it's NOT my fault". Because of my behaviour, a lot of women I knew and loved quietly came forward to me and admitted that they had been hurt. I would say that 95 percent of the women that spoke to me did NOT report their abuse. They keep silent. They feel ashamed.
Society keeps on going on and people keep blaming the victim. It goes hand-in-hand with the sort of quiet sexism that is rife in today's society. The kind of quiet sexism that nobody talks about, and if they do, they get chided and called a "feminazi" by people of either sex. I said something today to my mother that I wish I could stand on a fucking stage with a PA and say to thousands of people.
I don't think there is some vast organised male conspiracy to keep women down. It's much worse than that, far more frightening. It's nothing but the institutionalised acceptance of sexism, ingrained into every person from birth and the quiet, horrible victimisation of our bright, vibrant, beautiful women is a heinous symptom of a deep and crippling problem.
Women are expected to keep quiet, to be accountable for their own safety, to never get drunk, never be vulnerable, never be confused or tired or trusting. Never make friends, never smile at a man, never explore their sexualities, never be sexy in public. In the eyes of so many people, it is always the woman's fault.
I was able to speak out about what happened to me. I was able to grapple the horrible problem, look at it face-on and say "I am not a victim anymore. I am strong and brave and I am not blaming myself anymore. I'm not suffering anymore because I didn't do anything to deserve suffering." (Though we will suffer to the day we die, no doubt).
I wish, more than anything else, that I could find the women too afraid to speak and tell them that it's okay to talk, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to rage and demand justice. That they don't have to feel ashamed. I want all the women to be able to do what I did. I want them to speak out.
I want to walk together with these strong, remarkable people and I want us to say to the world, "We aren't victims. We're survivors, and it's time to stop making excuses for the ones that hurt us."
It's more than justice that is needed in this problem. It's a need for education. People need to KNOW. People need to understand that it's not the woman's fault. They need to see that a woman can't control how others feel about her just as a man can't control what women feel about him. They need to be ingrained, from birth, NOT that it's foolish for a woman to live comfortably in the world she's been born into but that it's foolish and WRONG for a man to think he can force himself upon a woman and that he has a right to do so.
I have a mind, I have hands, I have skills. I want to put them to use, to help women somehow. I just don't know how to do it. I'll find a way to do it though. Even if it's doing drawings for leaflets and flyers or writing short stories or comics that might make a person feel better after suffering an abuse. I remember waiting in the waiting room of the Sexual Assault Resource Centre, reading leaflets desperately, hoping there was something that could put words to my overwhelming pain. Even finding LJ groups days later on the internet was helpful for me.
If I can help just one woman, just one, then all my pain and heartbreak would BE for something. Some good would have come of it and it would have meant that I'd defeated the demons of self-doubt and loathing. And better than that, much better than anything it could do for me, is that another woman would be free of the guilt. That horrible, terrible guilt that comes far too automatically.
Am I too idealistic? Am I a crazy woman for wanting to do this? Do I care? *laughs* I get laughed at a lot for my idealism and my optimism, but I tell you, I'd rather be idealistic, try to improve the world and fail than apathetic and let the world go on in its horribleness.
(And never has my icon been more appropriate).
- Ray Bradbury
I was talking to my mother today about a horrible trial I read about. A man had date-raped twenty women. Sometimes repeatedly. He raped them brutally, even leaving one woman unconscious and left to sit a pool of her own menstrual blood. (She was so ashamed about the mess she made that she sent the man a new set of sheets). Ten women stood up in court and told how he romanced them online, took them out to a wonderful date, acted the chivalrous, handsome man of their dreams. He would buy them drinks, and in one of them, slip them drugs he no doubt knew how to use from being an out of work paramedic and nurse. He would tell the women that he was an ER doctor, by the by. All to lure them into the illusion. He would use the women's disorientation to his advantage. He would violate them in the most horrible way, but he'd act completely charming both before and afterwards. Like he'd done nothing wrong whatsoever.
He is a serial rapist of the most horrendous kind, of every woman's nightmare. And before a court of law he was found NOT GUILTY because the women that suffered by his hand had agreed to go on a date with him, had had a couple of drinks before passing out from the roofie, had let the man lead them to the car and had talked to him to sort out what had happened afterward. Had been brutally drugged and raped again when meeting the man to confront him verbally about it.
People seem to think that the only kind of rape that's a real rape is the kind of rape you might see in a movie or on TV. Woman walking alone on a dark night, gets grabbed by a stranger and taken by force, raped, and then the stranger runs off into the night.
The thing is, though, is that this doesn't happen most of the time when it comes to real rape cases. Most of the time when a woman is violated by someone they know, they don't immediately realise what has happened and usually if anyone is punished by the horrifying event, it's the woman.
The horrible truth is that after something like that happens to you, you're in shock. Hell, WHILE it's happening to you, you're in shock. The realisation comes out in painful bursts of shame in days and months to come. It's hard enough to even admit that it happened to you, let alone overcome the guilt that consumes you and realise that it's not your fault.
How can hey expect a woman, in the throes of both pain and -yes- betrayal (it was someone they knew, someone they trusted!), to be entirely logical hours or even days after such an event? This serial rapist I mentioned avoided jail because the women had shown some sexual interest in him before the rape had occurred.
How wrong is this? How wrong is all of it? It happens to women all the time. After I had my horrible experience, I didn't stay quiet, mainly because telling every fucking soul I knew was my way of coping, of saying to the world "Hey, this happened and it's NOT my fault". Because of my behaviour, a lot of women I knew and loved quietly came forward to me and admitted that they had been hurt. I would say that 95 percent of the women that spoke to me did NOT report their abuse. They keep silent. They feel ashamed.
Society keeps on going on and people keep blaming the victim. It goes hand-in-hand with the sort of quiet sexism that is rife in today's society. The kind of quiet sexism that nobody talks about, and if they do, they get chided and called a "feminazi" by people of either sex. I said something today to my mother that I wish I could stand on a fucking stage with a PA and say to thousands of people.
I don't think there is some vast organised male conspiracy to keep women down. It's much worse than that, far more frightening. It's nothing but the institutionalised acceptance of sexism, ingrained into every person from birth and the quiet, horrible victimisation of our bright, vibrant, beautiful women is a heinous symptom of a deep and crippling problem.
Women are expected to keep quiet, to be accountable for their own safety, to never get drunk, never be vulnerable, never be confused or tired or trusting. Never make friends, never smile at a man, never explore their sexualities, never be sexy in public. In the eyes of so many people, it is always the woman's fault.
I was able to speak out about what happened to me. I was able to grapple the horrible problem, look at it face-on and say "I am not a victim anymore. I am strong and brave and I am not blaming myself anymore. I'm not suffering anymore because I didn't do anything to deserve suffering." (Though we will suffer to the day we die, no doubt).
I wish, more than anything else, that I could find the women too afraid to speak and tell them that it's okay to talk, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to rage and demand justice. That they don't have to feel ashamed. I want all the women to be able to do what I did. I want them to speak out.
I want to walk together with these strong, remarkable people and I want us to say to the world, "We aren't victims. We're survivors, and it's time to stop making excuses for the ones that hurt us."
It's more than justice that is needed in this problem. It's a need for education. People need to KNOW. People need to understand that it's not the woman's fault. They need to see that a woman can't control how others feel about her just as a man can't control what women feel about him. They need to be ingrained, from birth, NOT that it's foolish for a woman to live comfortably in the world she's been born into but that it's foolish and WRONG for a man to think he can force himself upon a woman and that he has a right to do so.
I have a mind, I have hands, I have skills. I want to put them to use, to help women somehow. I just don't know how to do it. I'll find a way to do it though. Even if it's doing drawings for leaflets and flyers or writing short stories or comics that might make a person feel better after suffering an abuse. I remember waiting in the waiting room of the Sexual Assault Resource Centre, reading leaflets desperately, hoping there was something that could put words to my overwhelming pain. Even finding LJ groups days later on the internet was helpful for me.
If I can help just one woman, just one, then all my pain and heartbreak would BE for something. Some good would have come of it and it would have meant that I'd defeated the demons of self-doubt and loathing. And better than that, much better than anything it could do for me, is that another woman would be free of the guilt. That horrible, terrible guilt that comes far too automatically.
Am I too idealistic? Am I a crazy woman for wanting to do this? Do I care? *laughs* I get laughed at a lot for my idealism and my optimism, but I tell you, I'd rather be idealistic, try to improve the world and fail than apathetic and let the world go on in its horribleness.
(And never has my icon been more appropriate).
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 07:10 pm (UTC)i get sick of the whole madonna-whore thing, on the way girls must have been "asking for it" like neither party has any agency (girls are objects, boys are subject to their biology), like we must either choose between sheltering in a box or barbed wire, or going out and laying everything bare. There is no room for experimentation, for exploration, for being safe yet being public.
But, then again. {sarcasm mode} Women are meant to be in the home, the private sphere, and men are meant to be out in public, doing all the exploring and exciting stuff. Women are what they come home to, part of the house and chattels {/sarcasm}
we've come some way, but not far enough.
Though one thing I will add to your post - it's not just women this affects too. It also deprives men of agency, and yes, there are some bastards who use the social system for their personal advantage, like your bastardly example there. But there are also a lot of men trapped by convention, but because their trap puts them in a position of so-called privilege, they can't even articulate their trap.
But I say, if you;re crazy for wanting this, then it's the kind of crazy I can support. You go girl! Go follow the rainbow!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 07:17 pm (UTC)I guess I didn't mention it because it wasn't the focus of my post, but oh, I am very aware that it's there. I had violence against men in mind too, because as rare as it is, it still happens and those men are still victims. They need every outlet that a woman has. I hate to think the teasing and the mockery they get.
And oh my God, I love your icon! Damn, Monique is my hero.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 07:43 pm (UTC)btw, I'm working up a paper on post-feminist blogging, and I'm using the whole Mary-Jane thing as an example. Trawling back through all the posts linked to on When Fangirls Attack! -- your wonderful piece of art is cited SO MANY TIMES its fantastic! So you've already made that first impact. Time to rock out now, methinks :)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 07:53 pm (UTC)Oh, I am going to rock out with my vibrating jelly cock out, darling!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 07:57 pm (UTC)*hands you some fresh batteries* There, don't want to stop vibrating mid-rock, do we?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-22 08:32 pm (UTC)I have no words except..I'm with you all the way. And you put it way better than I ever could.
P.S. You're not a crazy person. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 01:54 am (UTC)DO IT! Do anything you can! You aren't crazy and you are not too idealistic! Just showing that you care about the nameless thousands that have suffered in silence for so long makes a difference, at least to me anyway.
I'm so proud of you that you are being as strong as you are. I wish I could have been.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-26 09:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 02:02 am (UTC)In regards to what happened to you, I know it happens to lots of women and girls and yes, more support and better justice is needed. I support you completely. If I can help you in your endeavour I will.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:30 am (UTC)What I'm thinking of doing is starting a community on LJ for women (or men, if they've been hurt by sexual assault too, I mean, there'll be anonymous postings for people so I won't be able to tell) who've survived violence against women, a place where they can express themselves. It's solely for that, for expression. They can come for advice, and even if it's just me running the site, it's somewhere they can turn to if they're too afraid to go to authorities, or even family and friends.
I think a discrete friendly place is what I can help with. It's not too full on, it's somewhere I can post art and stories that might help women, and I can share how I managed to cope and hopefully that'll help someone else. I'm letting it mull about in my mind anyway.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 02:04 pm (UTC)I like women. I mean, who doesn't, right? Except, apparently, lots of men really don't, and that is disturbing as hell.
You know you have my love and support in this, Nance.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 07:01 am (UTC)I get laughed at a lot for my idealism and my optimism, but I tell you, I'd rather be idealistic, try to improve the world and fail than apathetic and let the world go on in its horribleness.
Now isn't that what I've been saying about you all along?
BTW: By pure random chance (as random as Winamp can be) I was listening to 'Eye Of The Tiger' while reading this. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:24 am (UTC)It sounds like he needs to be removed from the gene pool.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-23 09:34 am (UTC)http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27825997/
If that don't make you want to tear a bitch a new one, I don't know what will.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-24 05:26 pm (UTC)The campus police were not so interested, the school newspaper was, I decided to not make it public and I am still very sorry about doing that.
I have shared this, I am not ashamed at all except for the fact that when it came down to his word or mine, the police believed him and I would not talk to the press. I was drunk. I kissed him in public. I went to his dorm room. I was a stupid college aged girl. I obviously wanted it. I wanted the pelvic exam. I wanted the questions. I wanted to make the boy/man the victim.
20 years now. I am okay about this. I have had resolution, not the one I wanted.
I really doubt that a story in a college newspaper in Indiana, US would have ever made a difference to anyone, but maybe.
I never thought that I would have something like this in common with anyone, ever. But of course I would. It happens all too often.
The boy/man that raped me never bothered me again, except when he gave one of my friends the bracelet that he tore from my wrist that night. He mended it. He thought he was a nice guy. I don't think he ever understood what happened at all. I was hurt twice. By the police, and by him. And he thought he could fix it all by mending my bracelet. He never understood.
I never thought that I would have something like this in common with you and I have not talked about this in so many years. I am so sorry, N. I so hoped it was not something like this.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-25 11:03 pm (UTC)I really doubt that a story in a college newspaper in Indiana, US would have ever made a difference to anyone, but maybe.
Sometimes just the knowledge that you're not alone can save a person when they're suffering the trauma from something like this. I know that it helped me immensely to know that there were people I could talk to and people that said "Hey, this happened to me. This is what you go through. I survived." Or even just hearing if other people are struggling with it can help, cause then I knew that what I was going through wasn't abnormal. It was just trauma, I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't a mental case, etc.
And it's never too late to talk about it because there are always new victims and there's always someone out there somewhere searching for the confirmation that they're not alone and that they're not the only ones that feel the way they do.
To go through what you did and to be able to talk about it takes a lot of bravery and strength and I commend you. Thanks for sharing your story with me. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 05:50 pm (UTC)Word. Going as far back as dolls being for girls, and dinosaurs for boys, there are so many standards that we set in action at the same time as we're saying that they're wrong. School teachers complaining about boys being noisier and more troublesome than girls, are setting the precedent they're complaining about. Girls are supposed to be twice as hard working, smart and gorgeous as guys to have equal worth, in great part because if they don't strive to be that way they're accused of both negating the feminist fight for women being as capable as men and their feminity as pretty women.
If I've learned anything from being a Substitute, then that would have to be that the younger the kids are, ergo the less they've been around adults telling them how they're supposed to be, the less gender based difference there is in mischief and noisyness. Heck, I had a preschool class for a whole week, and if pressed, I'd have to say fifty-fifty on who were more troublesome.
Back in Business school, one lecturer mentioned that women in general do better on exams and such than guys, but don't manage to get a career going, because they in general don't dare to ask for stuff. Guys are taught from an early age to know what they want and ask for it till they get it, while girls seem to be trained that it's rude to ask for anything more than you deserve, and who are you to know what you deserve, huh?
It's even worse when you look at how in the media it's considered laugh worthy if a woman rapes a man, because men can't be raped since they always want sex. It's funny how prevalent the idea is today that women don't want to have sex as much as men do, and how this manages to justify both rape by women on men and by men on women. "Because, hey, I'm a man, I can't help it if I really want to have sex with this woman. She would want it too if she wasn't so much of a false-orgasm-deceiving back-stabbing gold-digging woman." No, wait... IT ISN'T FUNNY!!
Why do women show off their sexiness if they don't want to get laid?
Because they want to have sex with someone they're interested in, or maybe they just want to feel sexy because it's damn good to feel sexy for men and women alike!
Why do women call it rape when they were into the guy who did it with them, be they conscious of it or not?
Oh gee, I dunno, but I'm quite sure that the definition of rape is sexual acts without full consent from the parties involved. I'm pretty sure you can't really give your consent, when you aren't fucking aware of what the fuck is going on! If the woman took the drug on her own, it would still be rape if a man took advantage of that. Also, if a really hot guy were drunk/high/whatever, and told me in this state that I was free to do what I wanted with his body, I would be a rapist if I did anything sexual with him. Regardless if it were a sexual act I know he'd be okay with when sober or not. It would still be fucking wrong of me to fuck him.
How do I know that what I'm about to do would constitute as rape?
Imagine someone else doing it to you. Not the woman/man you're about to rape, but someone else in a way that puts you in the position you were putting someone else. Say that you're a man about to prove to a lesbian that she really isn't as lesbian as she thinks. Before doing that, imagine a man about to prove you're not as straight as you think. And then apply the Golden rule.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 08:04 pm (UTC)That sort of grounding really sets you on the right foot, I think, and I have never seen anything as unnatural for either sex. So I totally can see why you'd experience the 50/50 thing in kindegarten. It's so sad that that gets beaten out of some girls. I wish they could keep their boistrousness and ambitious behaviour, that'd be grand, wouldn't it?
You think the mechanics of rape would be straight forward, huh? I mean, it is. Have you got full consent? Yes? Hey ho! No? DON'T DO IT. It's THAT SIMPLE. It really, really is that simple. I wish all the fucked up human beings out there would get that simple lession through their thick fucking skulls!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-01 11:40 am (UTC)There are so many gender-myths. Like being good at cooking makes you feminine, so that's why succesful women are bad at cooking because they've lost touch with their femininity. (You can only be succesful and good at cooking if you're James Bond, the definition of the man that knows what he's doing.) And women care for children while men do not, so any guy that wants to work with children is suspicious. (One of the real bad-name-giving-feminists of my country actually wrote that she'd feel uncomfortable with a man changing her baby's diapers. *headdesk*)
It's the whole "a woman's no isn't always a no"-shit that is always interpreted favoringly. There's also a more disturbing idea that if you nag and/or harrass someone till they complie, then they were willing. Not just consenting but willing. I remember reading a book called "The False Orgasm" about different things women do without thinking about that lets them be taking advantage of or simply makes them lose sight of what they actually want for themselves. One example involved a woman going to a disco when she really didn't feel like it, but her friends had bothered her about it. Then this guy nags her about letting him buy her a drink, which she eventually concedes to, because it's just a drink. Then he really really wants to dance with her, and she concedes because it's just a dance. Then he walks with her part of the way home, but hey they're pretty close to his place now, what about a glass of white wine? She hesitates and he says "Come on, it's not like we're gonna have sex or anything, right?" So they are on his couch each with a glass of wine, and he wants a kiss. Okay, just a kiss. The next the woman thinks about what's going on the guy is fondling her inside her panties, at which point she thinks they might as well have sex. As he gets off his pants she starts thinking about protection, but before she can voice he concern the guy's in her and she thinks it's too late then anyway.
The moral of the story is that regardless if the woman ended up pregnant or with an STD, she ended up being the one feeling awful about it while the guy just felt okey about getting what he wanted and no guilty conscience because he had her consent. The story is for women to think about being assertive about what they want and don't want, but as far as I'm concerned it really should also count as "if you nag someone till they go insane, that is not the same thing as their consent, JACKASS!"