Why do I let the pain go on?

[logansrogue]

I was sitting in front of my computer this afternoon. It's all I really do anymore. I used to go out - walking, looking for work, being in a course, whatever I was into at the time. Now, I just sit as still as I can for as long as I can. If I move, it hurts.

When I don't move, it hurts. I was sitting there in ridiculous amounts of pain thinking, "Why do I put up with this?" And then I had the awful realisation that there was NO CHOICE for me, that there was nothing for me to do but wait and put up with it. I have drugs that don't work, I can take those. They give me side-effects that distract me from the pain. That's okay.

I don't want to get addicted again though. I know I will, it's a depressing thought. I don't want to take the drugs, but I have no choice there either.

Comments

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

*hugs you, gently*

Is it possible you have cysts, as well as endo? A friend of mine does, and is going in for surgery for hers soon. :/

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Well, the last time they had a poke around they didn't see any cysts. Just endo growths. They said my ovaries looked good too. I have an appointment with an endo specialist on the 4th of December.

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

That's good! My friend has chronic cysts, but refuses to go to the doc until they're bad enough that she can hardly walk. It's not good. :/

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Does she live in America or Canada? Cause I'd understand having issues with the health care system in America, but I hear Canada is pretty good. Australia is so-so. I'm thankfully only waiting two months before I see my specialist, which is better than the three I waited on for a complete doofus cunt-face originally. No, seriously, I am so pissed off at him. He didn't even prepare for cutting anything out of me in the first operation. The same place did that with my cousin cause her Mum had it and they were expecting it. Despite the fact that five other health professionals were of the opinion that it was very likely that I had endo, (Gastroenterologist, Gynaecologist, three GPs) he didn't even consider it. I'm not even sure why. Never mind the fact that he barged into my lady-foyer like a drunk at a wedding, even when I told him it hurt. I spotted for hours afterwards, I thought I was going to start my period. I had to have *two* surgeries for something that only needed *one* surgery to be fixed. Because he waited, my endo got worse. And because he didn't put me on any hormone treatment to halt the regrowth, I'm back where I started a year ago. I'm SO fucking mad at that man, but I really don't know what I can do about it.

Sorry - I've only just realised this week, talking to my cousin, how badly my endo has been handled. I've lost precious years to this and I'm very upset about it.

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, sweetheart, that's terrible. I didn't know you'd gone through all that. It's shocking. :(

My friend has had cysts before, and she hates going through all the tests -- they redo them everytime for some odd reason, like, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, WHY SO MANY MRIs AND ULTRASOUNDS, jeez... anyway... she waits so that it's so bad, they just rush her into surgery. SO NOT A GOOD THING, as I keep telling her, but that's how she rolls.

She's thinking about getting "The Scoop" because she doesn't want kids, and her ovaries are pretty much dead anyway. :/

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

Oh, and yes - Canada. She's a RL friend.

[likebunnies.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You need a doctor who can get something done. You should not have to live your life like this. I have lived 25 years like that and I don't want to see anyone else do it. Sometimes it makes me so happy I had a son and not a daughter. At least he doesn't have to cope with the same thing two generations of us have had to deal with in my family.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'm on the waiting list for a new doctor who's a specialist with endo. So, it's not going to be years of this. Just a couple of months to cope. It's going to be hard but I know I can do it. I've done it before. I just hope I can deal with the come down from the codeine better.

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry, Nancy.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I just need to bitch about shit. Thankfully I'm not hurting too badly so far today. *crosses fingers* I might manage to go into Subiaco!

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

That's great!

Um..sorry if I sound stupid, but what's Subiaco?

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh - it's a town here. Hehehehe. A suburb. I ended up getting a lift into Subi cause the damned trains are off. *sigh* But I got a gourmet icecream! WHEE!

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

Ahhh cool!

That's awesome :D

[sugaryfun.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hang in there, hon.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe!

[mr-tap.livejournal.com]

Hope that you get better soon - any of my troubles seem insignificant vs constant pain...

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It's not TOO bad and I'm sure there are people that are in way more pain and trouble than I am. I just bitch about it a lot. *laughs*