A thought-changing article.

[logansrogue]

Every now and again I read something that alters my consciousness, that changes how I view my life on a fundamental level. That sounds pretty heavy but hey - sometimes I'm a deep girl.

This blog discusses the concept of 'consent' and Third Wave Feminism.

They bring up some really full-on points that I'd never really thought of, and realised that, for all these years, I'd been taking power *away* from myself. I've been submissive without even realising it. I know, me, Nancy, submissive?

But every time I thought myself something less for *not* having the serious relationship, every time I find myself in the dumps, pouting and relating to Bridget Jones, considering certain men and thinking, "Well, I can put up with this personality trait" and knowing its incompatibility, I was considering a 'trade-off' rather than something I deserved, and I was being sexist to *myself*.

It's opened my eyes to certian behaviours and negative thought-patterns that I'd been inflicting upon myself for years, and I've felt something click into place. Perhaps I've been taking myself for granted all these years. I've assumed that I have no power in the dating game, that I'm the one at fault when it falls through and I'm the reason why things go wrong. It's silly, I know, but this article was a catalyst for a train of thought that kind of made me look at things differently. Which is so fucking COOL.

Anyway, I have to go to bed and take some pills before that. I also have a story that's been dogging me, and this new thought will actually help me with it hugely. Yay!

(I blame the tone of this post on Frank Herbert. I've been reading through the Dune series and you know how deep those can get sometimes).

Comments

[mexicanjewlizrd.livejournal.com]

that I'm the one at fault when it falls through and I'm the reason why things go wrong
You know what gets my goat? When people use the word "fault" in relationships.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, it's exactly my point - it wasn't my fault cause there is no fault.

[nephron.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I think there are times when it's appropriate (e.g. abuse etc.)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, in those instances that's fair.

[fyrdrakken]

Pandagon is a good blogger I should maybe read more often instead of just following links whenever someone points out one of her posts. Anyway, she's touched on my own relationship philosophy in a tangential view, which is that if one person is having to work their ass off to make the other stay then they need to really think about what they're getting out of this relationship and whether they're in fact dealing with a parasite they need to ditch. Because, yeah. I have this creeping horror at the concept of being shackled to a person who just takes and takes as though everything offered was theirs by right, and gives back only grudgingly and as though condescending to do a great unearned favor -- whether it's a friendship or a sexual relationship. And I have issues with the idea that sex needs to necessarily be tied to a "serious" relationship or else the female in the equation is "degrading" herself in some fashion -- the more so since I see a lot more degradation going on in some "serious" relationships than in some more casual ones.

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to tell you this for a while.

You beat yourself up over your relationship status. Which puts your self-esteem in the hands of other people, sometimes people who have no idea what they are doing to you. Take it back, its yours.

If you want to explore a relationship with someone (or just have sex, or just be close friends, or stop spending time for that matter) do it because of how you feel about them and how you feel about the experience, not because of how you feel about yourself. There are plenty of much better ways to make you feel better about yourself.

[berenicepotter.livejournal.com]

Well, that seems an interesting article to read then :)

[esicardi.livejournal.com]

I think the article was pretty interesting, and I agree mostly with it.
However, I am not sure low self-esteem over not having a couple is exclusive of women. I mean, I know plenty of men who act exactly the same way when they have a bad dating period. But I agree you shouldn't blame yourself, or feel bad about anything of the sort, and in general your self-esteem should not be linked to what other people thinks. *hugs*

[originalnilson.livejournal.com]

I'm not so sure that that is sexism, I think that's just plain ol' regular low self-esteem, which is still bad :P

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

No, it's not sexism, you're right. It's kind of - it's a symptom of a mindset that places importance in the man. I was doing that. A lot of women probably do that too. Maybe, like me, they grew up in a very traditional household.

I know that it goes both ways though, which I think is pretty interesting. So maybe I'm full of shit. Bwahahaha.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yeah, the phenomena is found in both sexes, but there was a particular thought pattern I was having that she'd mentioned in the article. I'm just bad at articulating it.