Pain really bad.

[logansrogue]

I know I keep bitching about this but it's all I am experiencing at the moment and this journal is about my experiences. The heat and the extreme pain are really getting to me. I can't even snooze through it in my bed cause my room is hotter than hell. I can't snooze on the couch cause Dad is reading shit on it. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep. I can't actually DO anything either. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind. It's times like this I wish I had a laptop that could connect to the net. I think I'd sit there in a comatose state, playing neopets to distract myself from the pain. It doesn't help that the laptop I have presently is totally shitting itself power-wise.

I gotta stop bitching and just COPE. I've taken two mercyndol but they're not doing much. Which means it must be a really mean pain. I've been in pain for so long I have a hard time telling whether it's bad or not. I know that probably doesn't even make any sense. I'm missing school today but thankfully it's a class that I don't need to be at.

I have chocolate but it's not the chocolate I bought. I bought specific chocolates that I'd chosen for myself. I'm being a big baby. I'll probably cry at some point.

Comments

[coell.livejournal.com]

I think crying releases endorphins... go ahead. We won't laugh at you.

Hope you cope, sweetheart.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Endorphins, eh? Will keep that in mind.

I'll cope. I brought my cat Xena inside and I just caught her pulling a really fucking stupid face. Was great. Made me laugh. Then I'll eat chocolate. And make my niece dance for my amusement.

[bcp.livejournal.com]

*hugs* sorry to hear about all the heat and pain - is a bad combination :(
how long is it now until your laparoscopy Miss N?

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Let's see what my userinfo countdown says... Exactly one month and two weeks.

[bcp.livejournal.com]

oh.... right, forgot about that countdown

that's not far off, but i guess it probably couldn't be close enough for ya?

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

When you're in the midst of bad pain? It's so long away! :T But it's okay. I had a cry and some hugs and I'm feeling somewhat better. :)

[mollymoon.livejournal.com]

I've been in pain for so long I have a hard time telling whether it's bad or not.

I've been there. I know what that is like, the fear that it may all be in your head, the fear that you're growing numb to the pain because its become such a constant in your life.

And I know that for me, it lasted so long that it killed something inside of me. I am not the girl I was, I am not as carefree as I used to be. I don't regret the changes; in many ways, I'm more mature and thoughtful than I was before, but I do mourn that loss. I can still remember the many times that I would cry and scream that I missed "Molly", that she was gone. All that was left was this shell of her that was worthless and screaming because of the pain.

She wasn't, really gone. But she changed irreversibly. You and I are phoenixes, my love. The pain changed me and made me a better, stronger person and I know that you are strong enough to endure this and be reborn as well.

Blues singers in the US say that you can't really sing the blues until you know heartache. I agree and take it one further: You can't really appreciate life and all its beauty until you have it ripped away from you. Not in the sense that you are dying, but in the sense that because of the pain, you aren't living life anymore.

You will be a better writer, singer and artist because of this. And someday, I expect to be creditted in some side note for supporting you with my words of wisdom :)

Keep journalling, its amazingly useful to go back and read what you wrote, what you've survived. Sod anyone who's sick of reading it; they are shallow asshats who are just afraid of what you're going through. Loving someone and being their friend means loving and accepting every part of who they are. If they can't do that, fuck them.

I still ache when I think of the friends that abandoned me during the worst of my illness. I had always been the strong, mothering one and they just couldn't handle seeing me so weak and needy. They couldn't be there for me when I needed them most and it broke my heart.

But I have Grant, who is my rock and my heart and soul; who makes me feel beautiful and worthy and gives me a reason to brave every new sunrise. It is no exaggeration to say that without him, I wouldn't be here today.

You will make it through this. I won't let you do anything else.

/sends love, chocolate, and a bit of her inner resolve

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I love you, Molly. I swear, you're such an amazing help. You'll be in the first CD I release, thanks will be there for you. *hugs you*

*likes the idea of being a phoenix...*

*...though if I were a phoenix, I'd have left Ginny to rot in the fucking chamber... bwahahaha*

[mollymoon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Ginny can rot... I think we're more like Jean Grey anyway :)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yeah. But with smaller boobs. And bigger waist-lines. LOL.

[mollymoon.livejournal.com]

Not on the 'net though! On the 'net, everyone is thin.

/misses being thin and having small tits.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yes. On the internets, I'm a goddess.

me too, man. Being thin that is. Tits are not that small.