Tired and pouty.
Jan. 25th, 2006 06:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueLast couple of days I've been dipping into miniature bouts of depression. I'll lie there in a half asleep state that I keep dropping into thanks to the constant dosage of codeine I'm on (cause of period cramps) and I'll have a horrible gut-dropping sadness and I won't feel like doing anything. I've had dips in my confidence lately, in all sort of areas - appearance, talents, worth as a person - and the depressive dip makes it worse.
It's frustrating because I don't actually WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy, despite my health problems. I prefer being with it, and despite feeling bad I like to think that I have a firm control of my mind. I had some manic moments on Monday. I got all excited about the Numb3rs chat (one of the producers was on there chatting with us about the show) and then afterwards I was crashingly depressed. I've been going to bed at anywhere between ten and twelve and waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning. Why the hell am I doing that? I need my sleep but if I sleep in I feel so sick when I wake up. I've been feeling sick when I wake up for ages. Just woozy, fatigued, icky sick feeling. Of course there's the awful pain of my periods, but I've been so high on codeine since the cramps started that I haven't registered them much.
I'm worried about school, that I won't be able to finish my courses. I'm frustrated that I have to go through two more months of pointless pain before I can have my laparo and be sure of whats wrong with me to some degree. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions right now. I want to draw, but I want to sing, but I want to write, and I have no energy to do anything at all.
Tina commented some time back (a couple of weeks lately) that my self-confidence has crashed. This is true. I have never felt so fat, so ugly, so lazy or so gross in all my life. I honestly feel like that there couldn't be any man interested in me cause I'm a freaking disaster of a woman. I don't look any good unless I'm under a pound of make-up. I do not think I'm aging gracefully at all. I feel like I look like Kirstie Alley.
My confidence in my art is suffering a dip too, so if you have any commissions, this is a reason for a bit of a pause. I just hate my line quality, I hate how tentative I've become in my work and I hate how boring my colouring techniques are. There's no depth, no emotion, no nothing. It's utterly pedestrian and boring. I'm just so frustrated with it all, cause I don't have enough time to practice, to get better. I've hit a brick wall and sometimes I think that I'm just another person in the world thinking that they're doing something special when really, they're not. They're just another mediocre creator of stuff.
Ugh - this is no doubt the depression talking. I'm getting choked and teary, which is a sign for me to stop wallowing, but if I don't get this out of my system, I'll never get happy. I should not use you guys as my emotional toilet though, I apologise. I'm going to go cuddle my cat and be hormonal for a while.
Love you all.
It's frustrating because I don't actually WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy, despite my health problems. I prefer being with it, and despite feeling bad I like to think that I have a firm control of my mind. I had some manic moments on Monday. I got all excited about the Numb3rs chat (one of the producers was on there chatting with us about the show) and then afterwards I was crashingly depressed. I've been going to bed at anywhere between ten and twelve and waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning. Why the hell am I doing that? I need my sleep but if I sleep in I feel so sick when I wake up. I've been feeling sick when I wake up for ages. Just woozy, fatigued, icky sick feeling. Of course there's the awful pain of my periods, but I've been so high on codeine since the cramps started that I haven't registered them much.
I'm worried about school, that I won't be able to finish my courses. I'm frustrated that I have to go through two more months of pointless pain before I can have my laparo and be sure of whats wrong with me to some degree. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions right now. I want to draw, but I want to sing, but I want to write, and I have no energy to do anything at all.
Tina commented some time back (a couple of weeks lately) that my self-confidence has crashed. This is true. I have never felt so fat, so ugly, so lazy or so gross in all my life. I honestly feel like that there couldn't be any man interested in me cause I'm a freaking disaster of a woman. I don't look any good unless I'm under a pound of make-up. I do not think I'm aging gracefully at all. I feel like I look like Kirstie Alley.
My confidence in my art is suffering a dip too, so if you have any commissions, this is a reason for a bit of a pause. I just hate my line quality, I hate how tentative I've become in my work and I hate how boring my colouring techniques are. There's no depth, no emotion, no nothing. It's utterly pedestrian and boring. I'm just so frustrated with it all, cause I don't have enough time to practice, to get better. I've hit a brick wall and sometimes I think that I'm just another person in the world thinking that they're doing something special when really, they're not. They're just another mediocre creator of stuff.
Ugh - this is no doubt the depression talking. I'm getting choked and teary, which is a sign for me to stop wallowing, but if I don't get this out of my system, I'll never get happy. I should not use you guys as my emotional toilet though, I apologise. I'm going to go cuddle my cat and be hormonal for a while.
Love you all.
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Date: 2006-01-25 10:21 am (UTC)