Tired and pouty.

[logansrogue]

Last couple of days I've been dipping into miniature bouts of depression. I'll lie there in a half asleep state that I keep dropping into thanks to the constant dosage of codeine I'm on (cause of period cramps) and I'll have a horrible gut-dropping sadness and I won't feel like doing anything. I've had dips in my confidence lately, in all sort of areas - appearance, talents, worth as a person - and the depressive dip makes it worse.

It's frustrating because I don't actually WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy, despite my health problems. I prefer being with it, and despite feeling bad I like to think that I have a firm control of my mind. I had some manic moments on Monday. I got all excited about the Numb3rs chat (one of the producers was on there chatting with us about the show) and then afterwards I was crashingly depressed. I've been going to bed at anywhere between ten and twelve and waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning. Why the hell am I doing that? I need my sleep but if I sleep in I feel so sick when I wake up. I've been feeling sick when I wake up for ages. Just woozy, fatigued, icky sick feeling. Of course there's the awful pain of my periods, but I've been so high on codeine since the cramps started that I haven't registered them much.

I'm worried about school, that I won't be able to finish my courses. I'm frustrated that I have to go through two more months of pointless pain before I can have my laparo and be sure of whats wrong with me to some degree. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions right now. I want to draw, but I want to sing, but I want to write, and I have no energy to do anything at all.

Tina commented some time back (a couple of weeks lately) that my self-confidence has crashed. This is true. I have never felt so fat, so ugly, so lazy or so gross in all my life. I honestly feel like that there couldn't be any man interested in me cause I'm a freaking disaster of a woman. I don't look any good unless I'm under a pound of make-up. I do not think I'm aging gracefully at all. I feel like I look like Kirstie Alley.

My confidence in my art is suffering a dip too, so if you have any commissions, this is a reason for a bit of a pause. I just hate my line quality, I hate how tentative I've become in my work and I hate how boring my colouring techniques are. There's no depth, no emotion, no nothing. It's utterly pedestrian and boring. I'm just so frustrated with it all, cause I don't have enough time to practice, to get better. I've hit a brick wall and sometimes I think that I'm just another person in the world thinking that they're doing something special when really, they're not. They're just another mediocre creator of stuff.

Ugh - this is no doubt the depression talking. I'm getting choked and teary, which is a sign for me to stop wallowing, but if I don't get this out of my system, I'll never get happy. I should not use you guys as my emotional toilet though, I apologise. I'm going to go cuddle my cat and be hormonal for a while.

Love you all.

Comments

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

Maya told me yesterday that she's depressed. She's only 9!! What in the world can I do to help her? She says she doesn't know what she's depressed about. Oy :(

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I tried to just get you on AIM right now. Look, if she loved her Granny and was reasonably close to her, it's no doubt a part of the grieving process. It's hard for kids cause they don't entirely understand what's going on and it's probably something they've never gone through before. Just be there for her, give her plenty of hugs and make sure there's someone she can talk out her feelings to, whether it's you or someone else. Assure her of two things: That she WILL feel better eventually, and that there is nothing wrong with her, she's not insane or nuts or anything, she's feeling a perfectly normal human emotion.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

She loved her grandma (Ree Rose) but wasn't close to her simply due to distance and only seeing her every 2-3 years. She says it's not about her grandmother's death but who knows. She's very sensitive and she knows I'm upset, though I've managed to hold it at bay most of the time.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Dude, when my older cousin died of a car crash when I was a kid, it wasn't so much losing him (I barely knew him) but the powerfully emotional reactions from everyone around me that upset me. It was the realisation that not everything was stable and unmoving. If Granny can die, than means you can die. It's the grieving process that's probably disturbing her. Seeing you less than one hundred percent is probably upsetting her in some way that she doesn't realise.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

You're probably right. *clings*

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*

Been here, done this, gotten over it and gone back under again.

If you need to talk please do e-mail me, thepixie@shaw.ca

Hope you feel better soon, sweetie.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I wouldn't want to burden you with my bitching and moaning. It's stupid really, cause there are people in way worse positions than I'm in. I really should count my blessings. Then again, I could just be very hormonal.

[pixienymph.livejournal.com]

w00000000000000000000000000000, hormones! Gotta love 'em.

The offer still stands.

:D

[nousia.livejournal.com]

Oh, Nancy. *huggles*

And your art is really lovely, there is so much emotion and passion in it :)

[cedargrove.livejournal.com]

Come share my ice cream...

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*munches down and sobs with you*

[sweetinstigator.livejournal.com]

Hey,

We don't know each other very well..but i've had (and still have) some serious problems with my menstruation and had a 2year depression of which i'm currently slowly healing.

I'm sure you do not want to talk about it ( i didn't) but if you ever feel the need..i think it's safe for me to say that i can relate to what you're experiencing, and we could talk..if you'd like

darcy_lotje666@hotmail.com

you're not alone in this =)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

That is such a sweet offer. I don't mind talking about this sort of thing, I talk about it all the time. Have you found out the cause of what your problems are? I'll email you and we can talk about it in there.

[http://users.livejournal.com/doctor_k_/]

Ah sweetie, it's so unfair. Watching friends suffer when there's bugger all you can do to fix it is frustrating.

My mum always used to say "This too will pass". She's right. Of course, knowing it doesn't make it any easier, or go quicker. I know it feels like there's no end in sight, but change will come.
One of the important things about Ordeal is learning about your stamina, your stubborness, your ability to survive. You come out the other end with valuable lessons learned, and with awareness of your own strength.
Go read a bit about the Hanged Man, and Odin's three days on the World Tree. That's the sort of stuff that gets me through the crap years.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Karen. *hugs*

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

A useful thing about Art that Neil Gaiman once said about writing - he said that there were times when he felt that the creative spirit was flowing through him, and he wrote freely and furiously, and he thought his art was magic. And there were times when he felt uninspired, didn't like the work, and did it only because he had to reach the deadline and every word was like pulling teeth. And when he went back months later and reread it, he couldn't see any difference in quality.
Just ignore your doubts about your art and do it. Depression talks, but it doesn't say anything worthwhile or memorable, unlike the art.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thank you *hugs*

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say I love you, and I wish there was something I could do. ::hugs::

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Keep being fun in the RPG and it's all good, lovie. Hehehe. *hugs*

[leopardeternal.livejournal.com]

I'm always here for a good hug if you need, its not much, but sometimes its just right

/hug

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'm hugging everyone today! *hugs* LOL!