Old cats die hard.

Took Lenny to the vet today for a check-up, he was looking a bit skinny in the back-end and I felt something wasn't quite right.

I was right. At first the vet thought it was kidneys or thyroid. Blood tests came back (that wait was fucking horrible) and it's neither - it's his liver. Worst-case scenario - it's an aggressive tumour, and he only has a few weeks. Best-case scenario, it's an old, inflamed liver, and he has about a year left.

Either way, I am pretty messed up, because I've had him since I was sixteen. He was there when every man I'd ever loved let me down. He is my little man, my little tiny tiger, who gives me warm hugs.

I know he's old, he's sixteen. I realised he might not have as long as Melma had (20 years). I really thought he had longer than that, though.

So, I'm at home and I don't know what to do. My brothers are here, and my Dad, all of them have absolutely no idea what to do in an emotional situation. I need comfort, and I don't know where to turn. Everyone's busy. Even my Facebook is silent. I want to burst into tears, but I don't know what's even happening.

Then there's the money. The blood tests and vet visit cost me 412 dollars, and now the ultrasound tomorrow to determine whether or not it's a tumour is going to cost 360 at most (260 at least). I don't even know what to do. I might *just* have enough in the bank, I'm not sure.

What am I going to do without my little fella? I feel like my whole world is falling apart, which is stupid, because I KNOW he's a cat, I know it's a small part of my life. But it's such a huge part of my heart.

I want to distract myself, give myself a chance to bring down my anxiety levels (which are through the roof right now) but I don't know how. I don't even know where to start. I just keep looking out the window at Lenny sleeping happily in the sun and wanting to burst into tears (but for some stupid reason, not being able to because of PTSD and shit).

I'm so sad inside. I'm so heartbroken.