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Tramal = evil!
Nov. 15th, 2007 01:02 pmDamn it. Damn it all to hell!
So I finally find a painkiller that actually, you know, kills pain! But guess what?!
It depresses me! This past week I've been feeling really bummed out and unable to see the upside of things, unusually morose, thinking about death a lot, cynical, pouty, uninterested in things I usually love (I have to push myself to do things) and then to top it all off, I've also been getting headaches. The usual headaches I get when I'm taking too many painkillers.
I am SO fucking sick of this game. I mean, I have to weigh up what is more important to me - mental well being or being without any real pain to speak of. And it's so, so SWEET to not be in pain. I love sitting here, knowing I can jump up and go do something if I really, really wanted. I'm still exhausted at the drop of a hat but there's no pain, and that's a real, REAL help.
But GOD, this mood is killing me! I'm so effing miserable. I feel - this is going to sound really stupid and I know many of my atheist friends will laugh - cut off from God. There's a certain emotional pathway that's tied up with optimism in my brain that I use to 'pray' or to feel close to God and right now, I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling hope either. No hope, no faith, no brightness. Just this sort of vague sense of "What's the point? It all comes to death and nothing." And I'm sure that's TOTALLY in vogue in some emo circles but for me - no thanks. I am a bright, happy, optimistic person and I miss being happy.
So I don't really know what to do. I'm going to talk to my doctor next week. I've only been on Tramal a couple of weeks but I'm thinking I'll wean myself off. I'd rather be in pain than be depressed. But I'm really, REALLY going to miss not being in pain. *whimper*
So I finally find a painkiller that actually, you know, kills pain! But guess what?!
It depresses me! This past week I've been feeling really bummed out and unable to see the upside of things, unusually morose, thinking about death a lot, cynical, pouty, uninterested in things I usually love (I have to push myself to do things) and then to top it all off, I've also been getting headaches. The usual headaches I get when I'm taking too many painkillers.
I am SO fucking sick of this game. I mean, I have to weigh up what is more important to me - mental well being or being without any real pain to speak of. And it's so, so SWEET to not be in pain. I love sitting here, knowing I can jump up and go do something if I really, really wanted. I'm still exhausted at the drop of a hat but there's no pain, and that's a real, REAL help.
But GOD, this mood is killing me! I'm so effing miserable. I feel - this is going to sound really stupid and I know many of my atheist friends will laugh - cut off from God. There's a certain emotional pathway that's tied up with optimism in my brain that I use to 'pray' or to feel close to God and right now, I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling hope either. No hope, no faith, no brightness. Just this sort of vague sense of "What's the point? It all comes to death and nothing." And I'm sure that's TOTALLY in vogue in some emo circles but for me - no thanks. I am a bright, happy, optimistic person and I miss being happy.
So I don't really know what to do. I'm going to talk to my doctor next week. I've only been on Tramal a couple of weeks but I'm thinking I'll wean myself off. I'd rather be in pain than be depressed. But I'm really, REALLY going to miss not being in pain. *whimper*
