While I wait till morning...

Guilt. I feel really guilty. I've been so busy these past few days, busy being with people, going to parties, that I never noticed that Xena was scarce.

Am I a bad mother? Our cats are outdoor/indoor, and Xena really likes her garden. It seemed so safe.

All I can do is keep praying and keep thinking that from now on, I'm going to keep a better eye on them. God. I'm such a bad Mummy.

Can't sleep.

It's 5am and I can't sleep.

I had a lap of the garden. A couple of heart attacks - first I thought Lenny was Xena (my eyesight is crap) and then I thought bike wheels were here eyes reflecting (again, bad eyesight).

Lenny's acting weird. He's sort of sitting in the garden, very lonely. Usually at dawn and dusk he plays with Xena. I really have a feeling that wherever she is, it's not home. I've been wondering why Lenny's been so damned moochy.

I really have the feeling that she's gone. I can't feel her in the garden. It's dead of her, if that makes sense. Completely absent of her presence.

Tomorrow I'll definitely start knocking on doors and checking the local vets and cat havens.

-N

8am: Still no sleep or sign of Xena.

I did a lap or two this morning. I keep thinking that I hear her, but then it turns out to be nothing.

I go through calm periods, then moments of intense grief. It crushes me and I feel helpless.

I'm going to go out today and look for her.

God. I don't know how I'm going to function. I'm not hungry, I'm not sleepy. I'm just a missing-Xena machine.

Another night without my baby...

Another night without sleep. I don't think there are words for the depression seeping into my life at the moment. I'm in a really low place. Endo is a walk in the park compared to this.

I put up signs around my neighbourhood, talked to my neighbours and contacted the local vet and cat shelter. I'm going to phone around some more vets tomorrow.

I keep bursting into tears. There are no words that can describe the love I have for my girl. She's such a spirit, and a gentle little dear. I bawled my eyes out when I was feeding the cats this afternoon. It's not the same without her.

I feel like a piece of my heart has been taken. A piece of my spirit. It's not the same without my warrior kitty. It's not the same without the funny little mix-ups that happen when I'm talking about Xena and people don't know if I'm talking about the show or not.

It's not the same without me poking my fingers in her soft, flabby belly, looking into her huge green eyes and singing to her.

Our stupid fights over whether I could pat her or not, or sleeping on the bed, curled up around each other, her paws on my face and my fingers sunk into her fur, her purring and me dozing, content, happy, safe.

I don't know what to do without her. I'm devastated. I'm literally gutted without her. I didn't know I could need a cat this much. Xena is special though.

She picked me. She saw me and she demanded I take her home with me. I feel like I've let her down - I was supposed to take proper care of her.

I want so much but nothing is enough. I want to bring Lenny in, but it's not Xena so I get unhappy. I want to watch a movie but it always ends after a couple of hours. I want to sleep but I'm too full of sadness and grief to do anything but lie there and hurt.

I'm so exhausted. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I keep reaching out to God, praying that she's all right, even if she's not with me.

I'm so useless right now. I'm either missing Xena, or trying not to think about it. I have no other mode or any other life right now.