I wish I knew

I don't know whether I'm up or down right now. I don't know what to feel. I'm empty inside. I don't love, I don't hate. I don't want, and I don't need. I'm hungry, and I want sweet things. I'm good, and I want to do good things.

I want to sleep, but I'm not letting myself. A part of myself wants to torture me, a part that I fight to control.

I want to be happy.

I want to wake up and smile. I want to breath in the morning air and feel that a day is full of possibilities. I want to look out the window, see the sunny morn and know that my life is a blossoming flower, waiting to bear fruit.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel bad for no reason anymore. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to feel lonely anymore.

They say you can't always get what you want.

I need to see the possibility of happiness, the bounty that fate provides around me. I hate living the way I do, but I will not let my mental illness kill me. I won't. I will not.

I'll keep fighting. I'll smile, cause I can. I'll laugh, because I need to. I'll be the woman I want to be, because I am a woman, and my life is mine.

I have a gift to give in this life, and I must give it. People need me, not just people I've never met, but my nieces and nephews. They love me, look up to me. They need me.

Emmy needs me. She needs her aunty Nancy. She loves to dance with me, sing with me. I'll help teach her piano, cause if I don't, who will? I'll teach her how to sing right, and I'll teach her how to apply her lipstick properly.

One day, she'll probably babysit my own babies. Emmy is a friend for life. She saves me, in so many ways.

My family need me. I am a part of their whole. I am the crazy colourful child, the singer and the dancer, the playful imp and the flamboyant performer that goes over the top as much as they.

I just wish I could stop hating myself, or feeling like I'm not important. I know that I am. I know what I'm good at. I want to do those things.

I don't like the dark part of my mind making me feel so bad. I don't like losing control of my own moods.

I'm going to call the doctors on Monday. They've not really helped me so far, and they should have. I'm not happy with them.

I wish I knew

I don't know whether I'm up or down right now. I don't know what to feel. I'm empty inside. I don't love, I don't hate. I don't want, and I don't need. I'm hungry, and I want sweet things. I'm good, and I want to do good things.

I want to sleep, but I'm not letting myself. A part of myself wants to torture me, a part that I fight to control.

I want to be happy.

I want to wake up and smile. I want to breath in the morning air and feel that a day is full of possibilities. I want to look out the window, see the sunny morn and know that my life is a blossoming flower, waiting to bear fruit.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel bad for no reason anymore. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to feel lonely anymore.

They say you can't always get what you want.

I need to see the possibility of happiness, the bounty that fate provides around me. I hate living the way I do, but I will not let my mental illness kill me. I won't. I will not.

I'll keep fighting. I'll smile, cause I can. I'll laugh, because I need to. I'll be the woman I want to be, because I am a woman, and my life is mine.

I have a gift to give in this life, and I must give it. People need me, not just people I've never met, but my nieces and nephews. They love me, look up to me. They need me.

Emmy needs me. She needs her aunty Nancy. She loves to dance with me, sing with me. I'll help teach her piano, cause if I don't, who will? I'll teach her how to sing right, and I'll teach her how to apply her lipstick properly.

One day, she'll probably babysit my own babies. Emmy is a friend for life. She saves me, in so many ways.

My family need me. I am a part of their whole. I am the crazy colourful child, the singer and the dancer, the playful imp and the flamboyant performer that goes over the top as much as they.

I just wish I could stop hating myself, or feeling like I'm not important. I know that I am. I know what I'm good at. I want to do those things.

I don't like the dark part of my mind making me feel so bad. I don't like losing control of my own moods.

I'm going to call the doctors on Monday. They've not really helped me so far, and they should have. I'm not happy with them.