Bleh again
Feb. 8th, 2004 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueBefore I start - is LJ acting funky for anyone else? Like it's super HTML boring no graphicy? Wondering if it's just me...
Okay. So I see two different doctors in two weeks. Dr. Moorhead gives me Aurorix some weeks back and recommends I change if lack of orgasm is that much of a problem for me. I have a mental breakdown, see Dr. Barnard. Now, Dr. Barnard had said, "If your headaches repeat, we'll give you a brainscan." (In proper Doctor speak of course). I thought, great, she's serious. I see her about my repeated week-long headache, she says that since my sister also has had this problem that it might be a lurgy. Well, great, but I also had a mental breakdown and I feel like I need a rest from stress for a while. Her reaction?
"I don't know if that will really help you."
Uhm - hang on. Don't you think I would know if I need a break or not? Don't you think I would KNOW if I'm feeling suicidal and need a bit of a rest while I switch meds? Don't you think I'd KNOW?!
Okay. So Dr. Barnard basically tells me not to ask for any more doctor's certificates, to just do my Centrelink thing. I have a feeling that she thinks I'm trying to cop out of something Don't think she realises that I'm having serious emotional difficulties.
What can I do? Well, she gave me some different antidepressants to try. Something called... uhm - Mirtzapine. I read that it can cause weightgain, and she said to me it'd help with my chronic insomnia. Take it before bed.
I take a pill and I think, "Maybe it'll make me just a little sleepy."
Uh-uh. This huge crashing fatigue hits me, I feel dizzy, my eyes start rolling in my head, my family is all worried cause I can't talk or walk straight. I go directly to bed and proceed to sleep for about ten hours. Seriously. Forget that shit.
So I think - Okay. I'm off Aropax now, while I'm off, I may as well try this Aurorix shit. Since I am low in AD levels anyway. Probably not the wisest thing, admittedly, as I might inadvertently mix them and feel bad.
Well - I've been on the Aurorix for two days, and I feel really incredibly bizarre and funky. My creativity is kinda peaking, and boy, my orgasms are back to their greatness, but my thoughts wander and I'm kinda weird feeling. Tina said I look 'different around the edges'. Which freaks me right out.
I'm not normal currently. On the surface I'm kinda - calm, sedate, normal. But underneath there's a lot of mental instability, suicidal feelings, all that shit. Seriously, I just NEED some time to myself. I need some time to recuperate, to relax and just let my emotions slowly fix themselves, you know? And I can't get it. My doctors are fucking me around, the government doesn't care if I'm suicidal or not, if I'm here or not, and it really fucks me in the head. I'm sitting here, some part of me wanting me to die and there's nothing I can do to grab a fucking break, you know?
My sister Helen says that she hasn't seen me this bad in a while, and says she thinks I need more than a week's rest. I'm inclined to agree but I don't want to think that way cause I know I'm not going to get that rest. I'm really very frightened of how I'm feeling, to be honest, and I just wish I could get some help.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to doing some of my music. I feel restless and unhappy, I don't know if that's good.
Okay. So I see two different doctors in two weeks. Dr. Moorhead gives me Aurorix some weeks back and recommends I change if lack of orgasm is that much of a problem for me. I have a mental breakdown, see Dr. Barnard. Now, Dr. Barnard had said, "If your headaches repeat, we'll give you a brainscan." (In proper Doctor speak of course). I thought, great, she's serious. I see her about my repeated week-long headache, she says that since my sister also has had this problem that it might be a lurgy. Well, great, but I also had a mental breakdown and I feel like I need a rest from stress for a while. Her reaction?
"I don't know if that will really help you."
Uhm - hang on. Don't you think I would know if I need a break or not? Don't you think I would KNOW if I'm feeling suicidal and need a bit of a rest while I switch meds? Don't you think I'd KNOW?!
Okay. So Dr. Barnard basically tells me not to ask for any more doctor's certificates, to just do my Centrelink thing. I have a feeling that she thinks I'm trying to cop out of something Don't think she realises that I'm having serious emotional difficulties.
What can I do? Well, she gave me some different antidepressants to try. Something called... uhm - Mirtzapine. I read that it can cause weightgain, and she said to me it'd help with my chronic insomnia. Take it before bed.
I take a pill and I think, "Maybe it'll make me just a little sleepy."
Uh-uh. This huge crashing fatigue hits me, I feel dizzy, my eyes start rolling in my head, my family is all worried cause I can't talk or walk straight. I go directly to bed and proceed to sleep for about ten hours. Seriously. Forget that shit.
So I think - Okay. I'm off Aropax now, while I'm off, I may as well try this Aurorix shit. Since I am low in AD levels anyway. Probably not the wisest thing, admittedly, as I might inadvertently mix them and feel bad.
Well - I've been on the Aurorix for two days, and I feel really incredibly bizarre and funky. My creativity is kinda peaking, and boy, my orgasms are back to their greatness, but my thoughts wander and I'm kinda weird feeling. Tina said I look 'different around the edges'. Which freaks me right out.
I'm not normal currently. On the surface I'm kinda - calm, sedate, normal. But underneath there's a lot of mental instability, suicidal feelings, all that shit. Seriously, I just NEED some time to myself. I need some time to recuperate, to relax and just let my emotions slowly fix themselves, you know? And I can't get it. My doctors are fucking me around, the government doesn't care if I'm suicidal or not, if I'm here or not, and it really fucks me in the head. I'm sitting here, some part of me wanting me to die and there's nothing I can do to grab a fucking break, you know?
My sister Helen says that she hasn't seen me this bad in a while, and says she thinks I need more than a week's rest. I'm inclined to agree but I don't want to think that way cause I know I'm not going to get that rest. I'm really very frightened of how I'm feeling, to be honest, and I just wish I could get some help.
Anyway, I'm going to get back to doing some of my music. I feel restless and unhappy, I don't know if that's good.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-08 01:08 am (UTC)Honey, any time you feel you need someone to talk to either give me your number and I'll call you or you can call me. Either way, I want to be there for you.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-08 01:26 am (UTC)On an unrelated note, I like that icon, it's very sexy.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-08 01:32 am (UTC)I miss you guys too. I haven't felt like writing much, so I haven't been on the computer. I haven't done much art either. Other people have been on the computer too, so I haven't really had a chance to just sit there for hours and fuck around. :T I feel totally out of the loop though, like I've missed a lot of fun. That malfoy girl (the delightfully snarky one) seems like a riot. I like her, she tells it how it is.
Anyway, I better get back to things. Love you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-08 01:21 am (UTC)*muahs* Take care, dear. It'll be alright.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-08 01:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-08 04:55 am (UTC)*hugs tightly across the oceans*
Huge hugs
Date: 2004-02-08 07:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-08 01:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-08 11:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-09 05:10 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-11 07:01 am (UTC)I have no idea. The icon says "blue".
Re:
Date: 2004-02-11 07:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-10 09:15 am (UTC)*more hugs*
I am so sorry you continue to feel so terrible. Please know that I admire you and think you are a wonderful person. Tough times don't last, but tough people do (and I think you're one of them!).
I send you my support and positive thoughts.
Elia
(no subject)
Date: 2004-02-10 09:21 am (UTC)