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logansrogueIn the past few days things have rushed up at me. There are things that bother me that there are no easy answers to, things that bother me that make my head hurt.
I'm 25 this year. 25. I'm going to be thirty so very soon. What have I got to show for myself? What? Not enough. My friends have long-time partners, university degrees, good jobs, their own places, their own lives. I still live with my parents. I still share a room with my sister. I'm still painfully single and very inexperienced.
My so-called manager has turned out to be a lying cheating fraud, and I'm back to square one. Music is my life and while I've got some great recordings, I don't know WHAT to do with them.
And I'm so very poor. Everything I use, everything I have - the internet, computers. It's Mum's, not mine. The only thing here that IS mine is the drawing pad and the headphones. Oh, and the huge pile of action figures sitting on top of the fucking monitor.
I'm so tired of never having enough money. I'm so tired of never having the right clothes to wear. I'm so fucking tired of not being able to DO things with people because I haven't two gold coins to rub together. The idea of having a spare hundred bucks to waste on a weekend is SO very foreign to me. To me, fifty bucks is a LOT OF MONEY.
I can't find a job. I keep applying, and I keep not hearing back from people. I'd do a course, but I'm not eligible for help from the government. I'm living off the bones of my fucking ARSE and I'm not eligible for financial help. They're idiots. Don't they know that I will NOT GET WORK without a good computer course? I need administration skills and databasing and coding. I'm just - I'm always behind the fucking eight-ball.
I'm tired of my opportunities collapsing under me, yet I'm too stubborn to give up and cry. There's just no time for that anymore.
Tomorrow will come and go and before I know it, I might be too old to get married, too old to be a singer/songwriter girl, too old to be anything but a woman living at home with her mother, a snarky old prune like Marge's sisters from the Simpsons.
I'm 25 this year. 25. I'm going to be thirty so very soon. What have I got to show for myself? What? Not enough. My friends have long-time partners, university degrees, good jobs, their own places, their own lives. I still live with my parents. I still share a room with my sister. I'm still painfully single and very inexperienced.
My so-called manager has turned out to be a lying cheating fraud, and I'm back to square one. Music is my life and while I've got some great recordings, I don't know WHAT to do with them.
And I'm so very poor. Everything I use, everything I have - the internet, computers. It's Mum's, not mine. The only thing here that IS mine is the drawing pad and the headphones. Oh, and the huge pile of action figures sitting on top of the fucking monitor.
I'm so tired of never having enough money. I'm so tired of never having the right clothes to wear. I'm so fucking tired of not being able to DO things with people because I haven't two gold coins to rub together. The idea of having a spare hundred bucks to waste on a weekend is SO very foreign to me. To me, fifty bucks is a LOT OF MONEY.
I can't find a job. I keep applying, and I keep not hearing back from people. I'd do a course, but I'm not eligible for help from the government. I'm living off the bones of my fucking ARSE and I'm not eligible for financial help. They're idiots. Don't they know that I will NOT GET WORK without a good computer course? I need administration skills and databasing and coding. I'm just - I'm always behind the fucking eight-ball.
I'm tired of my opportunities collapsing under me, yet I'm too stubborn to give up and cry. There's just no time for that anymore.
Tomorrow will come and go and before I know it, I might be too old to get married, too old to be a singer/songwriter girl, too old to be anything but a woman living at home with her mother, a snarky old prune like Marge's sisters from the Simpsons.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-21 06:41 am (UTC)First off you live at home. Thats ok, really it is. Lots of my friends did or are doing the same. It's so expensive to get your own place these days. I couldn't do it on my own, I had to team up with friends and we all got a small place together. It sucked and it smelled, but I was free.
No job. A illustrator friend of mine I went to school with was out of work for a year before he got a job. It was a graphic design postion making covers for anime-porns, but what the hell it's work. Your talented, you have so much passion in your art that I'm sure it will take you somewhere. Beleave in yourself and your work, and you will come out on top in the end.
The fine print about work and art. It doesn't matter how good your art or music is when it comes to getting a job. It's who you know, and anyone that tells different is a fraud. Case in point. the friend I spoke of earlier is a great artist. One of the best in my class at collage, but his people skills suck. He comes off too proud and thinks he's above everyone else. well that just turns employers off right away. Who wants to work with a arse like that? Now in my case I took a unpaid job at one of my teachers studios for three month while in school. I did what ever she asked me to do. I never said anything, I just watched and learned. One day she asked me to come to a Art Directors party in Manhatten with her. Hell Yeah I'll go! I mixed and mingled with tons of important people in publishing, and in the end no one talked to me. My teacher took me around the party with her arm around me and introduced me to lots of people. Suddenly people wanted to hear what I said and started being very nice to me. Three weeks later I got my job at HarperCollins Publisher, and I'm still here.
The point is you seem to be a very nice person, and if I can see that from the other side of the planet then I'm sure when you meet the right employer they will see it too. Have faith in yourself and your work and you will go far.
This also holds true for your relationships your attractive and talented, unless people are threatened by this then theres no reason why you'll be alone. Believe me you will find the right person. Give it time and enjoy life and love will find you when it's ready. ok
please don't be sad, you make us all so happy with your work.
*hugs*
Victor
(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-21 08:05 am (UTC)*smiles* That's one of the most beautiful things anyone can say, it really is. *hugs* I'm working on being happy - it's never easy. Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-21 09:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-01-21 09:40 am (UTC)