Nature is powerful.

[logansrogue]

I am reminded strongly of this fact every time I have a period. I know I'm being pretty much a textbook mungbean Pagan feminist cat lady here, but seriously, how can I not be reminded of the fact?

For a week before my period starts, I can feel my body changing and readying itself. It changes noticeably, not subtly. My breasts get heavier and larger. My guts swell and get tender. My moods become volatile and unreasonable, or brittle and fragile. And then in the short days before the bleeding starts, the cramps go from persistently annoying to "Oh God, hold onto something, aaaAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

And then, when the pain hits and I sit there frantically throwing every modern convenience I have at it (pills, heat packs, essential oils, swear words, though that last one is traditional), the pain continues unabated. The tide keeps rolling in and I have that horrible, messy, agony-riddled period. And yes, I've tried the pill, I've tried a lot of hormone-based contraceptives and they all leave me in a worse state than the period has me in. Apparently, I'm hormone-sensitive (NO SHIT, LOL).

So, you know, when all that hits you, when your body and nature come together to make this thing happen, month after month, you come to know not only the rhythm of those changes, but the folly of trying to fight them. You learn that, hey, you're just a mortal, a fleshy, transient human that is bobbing on a tide and the waves will come as they must and there's not a lot you can do about it. Whether that be the expected, normal happenstances of being human (periods, babies, etc) or the unexpected (illness, disease).

A lot of people fear that, but after years of having rather debilitatingly painful periods and endometriosis, there's a peace within me that has developed. I had my time of kicking and screaming and shouting at God and the other Gods and what have you. The pain continued (as you would expect). There comes a time when you grow still and stop and see the power of what is happening to you.

I can't help but be a little awed at what nature can do. Not at the endo, I'm pissed off about that and I'm not in awe over that at all. I'm impressed at how fast the shit can grow, and I'm intrigued by the mystery of what it actually is and why it's happening, but I don't feel awe about that. But my natural rhythms, the way the cramps come out of nowhere, the changes I feel in my body and the fact that after all that blood and mess and discomfort, a week later I'm fine as if nothing has happened... that's pretty incredible. And mundane.

I had a discussion with my boyfriend the other day. He was saying how he didn't like to just accept things, that he liked to try to fix things, change things. I've heard a lot of people talk that way before. I said to him that after the way my life has been, one must learn to embrace some things, to understand that you can't change them, they're going to happen, and it's better to relax and deal with it rather than freak out.

I have to wonder if surrounding ourselves with modern conveniences and having the power to change so much has made us, as a species, afraid of losing control. And more important, if it has made us disrespectful of nature, forgetting all that it can do, all that it is capable of, ignorant of its beauty and terror. Some of us are reminded of what nature can do on a regular basis, for whatever reasons. I can't help but feel a little blessed to have that understanding.

When the cramps hit me, there's not much I can do. I do my breathing, I pray that the drugs will take the edge off, that I can lie down comfortably (most times I can't and have to go on all fours in the kitchen and do pelvic rocking) and I wait for it to pass. There's nothing else I can do. I've tried. I've struggled, I've fought, I've sworn, I've kicked and I've screamed.

And these days, I just hold on, brace myself, and then witness the wonder of my body. It's replenishing itself. It is getting ready to be fertile again. It's doing what these sorts of bodies have been doing from time immemorial. It's kind of awesome, in its own way. I can't help but be impressed, and to be thankful. The inevitability of it in my body makes me feel connected to the rhythms of the world around me. Things that are also inevitable and unchangeable.

I think, when one's comfort and lifestyle is at the whimsy of nature, one tends to have an appreciation for its power. I've tried all the other emotional responses. So these days, I just choose to be impressed.

Dang, Nature. You one tough sister.

Comments

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder what that says about people like me who have never had a regular cycle. I recently found out I had PCOS, which explains why my periods have always been off-schedule. After I became sexually active, I used to freak out and think my birth control had failed, and that I was pregnant. Even thought my periods had been just as irregular and unpredictable beforehand. I would go from having a period every month for three or four months to not having a period for two or three, maybe SIX months. My diet was normal, I wasn't taking any mood-altering medications, and my method of birth control at the time should have made my periods more predictable, if anything. So...am I defying nature, or is nature just giving me the finger? Then again, I was never crazy about the idea of being a full-blown woman. Hence why I just got a tubal ligation two days ago.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It doesn't really say anything. Nature just worked differently in you for some reason we don't understand. You're no less of a woman because you dislike your reproductive organs. I go through phases where I want to rip mine out with my teeth. LOL. And I don't think getting your tubes tied means you're not a "full-blown woman". I mean, unless you have a gender representation that's different from the binary, in that case you might like being a little bit of this and a little bit of that. But being the way you are is as natural as me having periods that feel like my uterus is in a vice. And that's kind of awesome too, really, the variation in our single species. So many of us are different, and that's great.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

I always felt like something in between. I used to be afraid/wish I was secretly a boy and just didn't have a penis. Now that I know there are intersex people, I wish I'd been born THAT way. Yay being genderqueer and not having the body to match.

I guess I questioned you because I know so many people who feel less like women for not having bodies that function the way the textbooks say they should, or because they're going through menopause. On one hand, I say that they're full of it, but on the other, I kind of understand. I live in a world where I've been brought up to believe that your biological functions determine the authenticity of your sex and gender, so even though I've rejected gender roles ever since I was a kid, some of my rejection is still based on what women are expected to be. Did you ever feel that way?

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Well, I've always felt as though I was a girl/woman. I felt contented in that, I was just discontented with what the world outside of my family permitted me to be. I grew up with a mother and father that allowed me to try or attempt or be whatever I felt capable of. Dad let me play carpenters with his scrap wood and leftover nails, Mum let me sew with her scraps, or paint, or use her old typewriter. Big brother let me play with his lego and use his computers. Little brother and I often tumbled in the grass playing fighting games. And with my sister, we'd spend hours playing with our barbie dolls. I guess I was lucky to have a family that didn't really judge much.

Those people shouldn't feel less like women at all. My post was just a description of what happens to me during my period, the overwhelming pain of it, and how I come to peace with it. Every woman's experience is different, and I stand by that. I celebrate that, as a feminist and as a human being.

I can't speak of being uncomfortable in my body, because it's not something I've experienced. I guess I'm blessed in that I'm very happy with the body I have, and like being a woman, even if my body causes me a lot of problems. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm like most other women, I feel more rough-cut or more boyish than them due to my mannerisms and attitudes and orientation, but after getting into feminist literature, I realised this is society norms talking and not what I feel in my heart. It's what you feel in your heart about your gender that matters. And if you're not quite one or the other, I think that's wonderful.

I hope that makes some sense. I didn't want my post to make you feel bad about your gender or your body. <3

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

I like the way you think *fistbump*.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*fist-bump* :D

[akire-yta.livejournal.com]

you might be interested in the concept of Wu Wei from Taoism? Also, ~fistbump from high tide~

[shantari.livejournal.com]

I've actually gotten vaguely fascinated by my realisation that PMS increases my tactile sensitivity, and that that's a bigger part in my gruff temperament than any of the other hormonal stuff. Also the realisation that this isn't just nature saying "sucks to be you", but actually makes an evolutionary sense in that being extra sensitive to the touch is a sign that my body wants me to be more careful since there's a chance I'm about to carry precocious goods according to my cycle. PMS, you're gruff because the mama bear inside you is waking up.

[drbunsen.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with mungbean Pagan feminist cat ladies anyway? :p