Feb. 9th, 2014

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I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling full of something, of the warmth and wellbeing I felt despite being sick and fatigued all the time. I miss the hope and optimism I felt, the wondering of what this little life would bring to me. I miss the feeling that I would never, ever be alone again, that this little one would always need me, and I would always be there for it. I miss wondering what the baby would look like, whether it would be more like me or more like Daniel. I miss planning for games I would play with the baby, on fantasising how they would play with their cousin Leon. About how Rogue would react to the baby. About the perfect completion I would feel of me, baby, Rogue and Daniel. A family. I miss the connection to something bigger than me, the feeling of being a portal to something so incredible, so special, so wondrous, I didn't even have the words.

I miss Lenny. I miss his little "mruff" meows. I miss the heavy bunting of his head on my leg as he waited for me to feed him. I miss the heavy footfalls of his paws as he ran up and down the hall in the middle of the night in a bid to be let out. I miss the pride on his face when he caught a rat. I miss how much he loved catnip, and chicken, and first hugs of the day. I miss the way he would put his huge paw on my face, and touch his forehead to mine and purr so very loudly. I miss how he sometimes patted my face. I miss coming across him sleeping, and tracing the tawny coloured whorl of fur in the black of his tummy. I miss counting the dots on his round belly. I miss burying my face in his fur and smelling his smell. I miss being able to go outside when everything feels like it's falling apart and seeing him come out of the grass, over to my side, allowing me to hug him even though I know he hated it sometimes. I miss having my constant little buddy, who helped me through the worst times of my life.

I miss him *so* much. I miss the little one that was inside me SO much. I feel like I lost two babies one after the other. I miss feeling like a mother, a real mother.

I know I'll get through this, somehow. But I don't think I'll ever stop missing them.


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April 2017


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