My final post on this.
Feb. 26th, 2010 01:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueOkay, I've been meaning to make this post for about a day now, and I have been waiting until my emotions have settled a bit because, well, it's been a pretty mad fuckin' week for me. Hurt, outpourings of support for me, joy for personal achievements, disappointment, relief - it was all there.
I know there are a lot of people that have come to this journal that don't know me personally, but want to support me and I thank them so very deeply for that kind support. I never expected such things and I'm very touched. This story of what I've gone through has grown wings, it seems. A number of people around the world have had the thought, "It could happen at our conventions." And yeah, it could.
So I urge people to keep having this dialogue. If my exposure of my story can save even one woman the nightmare that I went through, then I can sleep well cause I know all the pain and anguish that I've been through in this experience is not for naught. It IS for something. If I can take my struggle and give strength to other women, to help them assert their rights and demand safe spaces at their social community events, then I know - I know I've done the right thing in this. My main message though, is this - Keep Talking.
Be vigilant - not the women, who have the right to be in a space without fear. Be vigilant about those that might perpetrate these crimes, and remember that you CAN do something about it. It's about crimping the behaviour of people that want to violate other people, not policing the lives of women till they are living the lives of homebound prisoners.
It is all about exposing the Rape Culture and dissolving it with awareness and love for a community. Keep that shit going. I urge you all.
That said, I have found myself at a point where I'm exhausted about talking about my particular situation. It's been nearly two years now, and I'm tired, and more than ready to move on and put this behind me. Some part of me fears that when I go to Swancon, people will pity me or look at me and think about what happened to me instead of who I am. And that can't be helped to a certain extent. This is a part of speaking out as a survivor, it's the way of the beast.
I just hope that when people look at my art, or listen to me speak at panels, or see me in my costume at the Masquerade, that they'll judge me by my own merits. I've worked incredibly hard to achieve the things I have this year, and I don't want this whole experience taking away that final leg of the journey. I just hope that my personality and my skills will eclipse the strange way some of you have come to know of me.
The strangest and most unexpected side effect of this entire situation is the guilt I've felt for people's outpouring of anger to my attacker, the shame I've felt at people knowing this intimate truth (that I was violated), and the possible anger and criticism that might be levelled at WASFF in my name.
Before I was open about this, I wasn't ashamed of people knowing that I was a survivor. Perhaps since things got specific, I felt a little vulnerable and afraid. I felt naked in a room full of people. And I know, logically, that I can't control the behaviour of others. My attacker brought this upon himself by his own behaviour.
I want people to understand that WASFF have been on my side the whole time about this. They were muddling in the dark with this situation because nothing like this had ever been brought to them before. They've always listened to me, cared for me, offered me safe harbour at the con itself and taken on my fight *way* more than a sci-fi society board/committee needs to. They have been exceptional, and they are continuing to work on this issue so that this sort of thing can't happen again so easily (I say "so easily" cause, let's face it - some people are just bound and determined to violate somebody).
Anyway, I wanted to say that I don't really feel comfortable talking about this anymore, this meaning my specific personal situation. I'm more than happy to talk to people that have their own stories they feel compelled to share, but as far as my own story goes - it's been told.
Feel free to friend me, talk to me, enjoy my artwork or other creative works, but understand that I want to move on from this particular topic. I know people care and I know I have support in the community. I've come to the point now where I want to be a part of the crowd again. I want to be known for who I am and what I do, not for that horrible thing that happened to me.
I hope I don't seem ungrateful. My gratitude for the support and love I've recieved from people knows no words. It's just that rape trauma works in funny ways, ways you wouldn't expect. There are times where all you want to do is forget that it ever happened. Not forever, just for a little while. I've come to that point now.
Thank you again for your support.
I know there are a lot of people that have come to this journal that don't know me personally, but want to support me and I thank them so very deeply for that kind support. I never expected such things and I'm very touched. This story of what I've gone through has grown wings, it seems. A number of people around the world have had the thought, "It could happen at our conventions." And yeah, it could.
So I urge people to keep having this dialogue. If my exposure of my story can save even one woman the nightmare that I went through, then I can sleep well cause I know all the pain and anguish that I've been through in this experience is not for naught. It IS for something. If I can take my struggle and give strength to other women, to help them assert their rights and demand safe spaces at their social community events, then I know - I know I've done the right thing in this. My main message though, is this - Keep Talking.
Be vigilant - not the women, who have the right to be in a space without fear. Be vigilant about those that might perpetrate these crimes, and remember that you CAN do something about it. It's about crimping the behaviour of people that want to violate other people, not policing the lives of women till they are living the lives of homebound prisoners.
It is all about exposing the Rape Culture and dissolving it with awareness and love for a community. Keep that shit going. I urge you all.
That said, I have found myself at a point where I'm exhausted about talking about my particular situation. It's been nearly two years now, and I'm tired, and more than ready to move on and put this behind me. Some part of me fears that when I go to Swancon, people will pity me or look at me and think about what happened to me instead of who I am. And that can't be helped to a certain extent. This is a part of speaking out as a survivor, it's the way of the beast.
I just hope that when people look at my art, or listen to me speak at panels, or see me in my costume at the Masquerade, that they'll judge me by my own merits. I've worked incredibly hard to achieve the things I have this year, and I don't want this whole experience taking away that final leg of the journey. I just hope that my personality and my skills will eclipse the strange way some of you have come to know of me.
The strangest and most unexpected side effect of this entire situation is the guilt I've felt for people's outpouring of anger to my attacker, the shame I've felt at people knowing this intimate truth (that I was violated), and the possible anger and criticism that might be levelled at WASFF in my name.
Before I was open about this, I wasn't ashamed of people knowing that I was a survivor. Perhaps since things got specific, I felt a little vulnerable and afraid. I felt naked in a room full of people. And I know, logically, that I can't control the behaviour of others. My attacker brought this upon himself by his own behaviour.
I want people to understand that WASFF have been on my side the whole time about this. They were muddling in the dark with this situation because nothing like this had ever been brought to them before. They've always listened to me, cared for me, offered me safe harbour at the con itself and taken on my fight *way* more than a sci-fi society board/committee needs to. They have been exceptional, and they are continuing to work on this issue so that this sort of thing can't happen again so easily (I say "so easily" cause, let's face it - some people are just bound and determined to violate somebody).
Anyway, I wanted to say that I don't really feel comfortable talking about this anymore, this meaning my specific personal situation. I'm more than happy to talk to people that have their own stories they feel compelled to share, but as far as my own story goes - it's been told.
Feel free to friend me, talk to me, enjoy my artwork or other creative works, but understand that I want to move on from this particular topic. I know people care and I know I have support in the community. I've come to the point now where I want to be a part of the crowd again. I want to be known for who I am and what I do, not for that horrible thing that happened to me.
I hope I don't seem ungrateful. My gratitude for the support and love I've recieved from people knows no words. It's just that rape trauma works in funny ways, ways you wouldn't expect. There are times where all you want to do is forget that it ever happened. Not forever, just for a little while. I've come to that point now.
Thank you again for your support.
