The road to recovery is never smooth.

[logansrogue]

I've had a very, very bad couple of days. I'm not going to lie.

But I've actually got the presence of mind to know I'm not my usual balanced self and want to do something about it. I'm not quite sure what's set me off, or whether this is something that's been building. Have I had the idea in my head that I'm suddenly going to be better because of seeing a psych? And continuing to have trauma, to have difficulties, to have depression issues is upsetting me?

I wish I knew what was wrong. Is it my drugs, are they affecting me? What the hell is wrong with me? Why are my moods so wild? I've been cycling madly between calm and insanely anxious to very depressed.

I mean, I know I can deal with this. I've lived through bad mental health before. I just like to know the reasons for things, you know? If I knew that sometimes, you just have a dip whether you're making progress in your life or not, then I wouldn't feel like I was going absolutely insane.

Any survivors out there, or friends of survivors, know what I'm talking about?

Comments

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Yar. I get that. I hate the dips. They're horrible. I have no idea why they happen, but they do.

I don't know what your circumstances are right now -- if you've just started a new phase of treatment, or you're auditioning meds, or anything like that, it takes time to adjust. It's important to read up on what you're taking, especially the SEE YOUR PHYSICIAN IMMEDIATELY IF bits.

This talk of cycling is a bit worrying. Maybe you should give your doc a call and tell her the dilly. Worst case, she'll want to see you. Best case, she says No, head explosions are normal when you're adjusting to this medication.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I've been upping my mefenamic acid and decreasing my codeine, cause I don't like being high all the time. I've been on two to four codeine a day for some months, but I don't see how spreading it out to one codeine three times a day is going to set me off into huge crashes.

I missed a couple of days last week with my anti-depressants, but I've missed days before and been okay.

This thing has been building slowly in me and in the past couple of days my brain just broke. I had an upset with my little sister, I had a disappointment with some friends, I have frustrations due to my trauma infringing on my social life, I have intense, intense frustration and mental fatigue from the pain I've been through with the endo lately. I think there's some cabin fever mixed in there too, cause the weather's improving and it's in my nature to go out and about and live it up on sunny days like the ones we've been having. Then there's my old cat, I've been Obsessive-Compulsive-ly worrying about her, even though her condition is coming back nicely now I'm cramming food down her gob twice a day. And I worry about my old Dad and my disabled nephew who is always having chest problems. And my poor sister who looks after him and is having marriage problems and is so unhappy.

It's just a perfect clusterfuck-storm of shit.

Oh, and I've been unable to sleep much. My sleeping pattern is all over the place, which means infrequent REM sleep, which is BAD news for me. If I don't get my ten hours deep sleep every day, I get very depressed.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

I've been on two to four codeine a day for some months, but I don't see how spreading it out to one codeine three times a day is going to set me off into huge crashes.

That could actually be the problem. Drugs are fucking weird, and the range of reactions we have to them can vary with circumstances, what they're combined with, and individual biology. I've had Sleepy Go Night Night Cough Syrup make me insanely sleepless, while KeepUWake Daytime Cough Caplets FOR GIRLS! knocked me out like a giant anime hammer. A little tweak in dosage can have unexpected effects. I would encourage you to have a talk with your doc about it, and see what she has to say about the combo and what you can do to be more comfortable.

You're also having an incredibly crappy time lately, and that is almost certainly gonna contribute to your wack-a-ding-hoy levels (technical term). And dear Jesus, the sleeping...if I have to choose between eating and REM, I'll take the REM because otherwise I'll be underneath my desk trying to chew open a vein.

There's not a whole lot you can do about worrying about the people you love, the bastards. If you can, though, try your best to keep regular hours, and fed and hydrated. And talk about it, here or there.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I might go back to my regular regimen of drugs tomorrow and see how I do. What happens is that I'm not in pain anymore, and then I feel bad for taking drugs. But the reason I'm not in pain is *because* I'm taking the drugs regularly. I have this constant guilt about taking codeine once or twice a day. Plus sometimes it skeeves me out and I hate feeling dopey.

I'm a terrible worrier. I worry all the time, excessively so. I think it's linked to my OCD symptoms. The worrying gets so bad, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I get gut cramps and get the runs, I get anxiety attacks. It's horrible. :(

*hugs* for being here. I really, deeply appreciate it.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

*cling* not a problem.

Guilt over taking prescription drugs is a...a thing in our society. And in part it's good because it helps keep us from doing stupid shit like taking sleeping pills with a bottle of wine and then waking up dead. But I think that sometimes it helps to look at long-term depression and anxiety as a chronic illness, like diabetes. You have to keep taking the stuff so you don't pass out behind the wheel and plow into a schoolyard. And also so you can do your daily tasks and not die. It's an illness, not a moral failing.

Sometimes, when a panic attack comes on, I try to talk myself out of it and not take a thingie, but I am starting to learn that this is just fucking stupid. As they said on Monty Python: TAKE THE TABLETS.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, the pills I regret taking are the painkillers for my endometriosis. I have no qualms taking my beloved Lovan/Prozac. People will have to pry that shit from my cold dead hands before I stop taking it. LOL. It helps me keep level. Most of the time, anyway.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Oh! Yeah, I can see where you'd be wary of the codeine. The lovely, lovely codeine that I would eat like m&ms if it were over the counter. Yeah. Oh, codeine...

But talk with your doc about how to cut down, or what else may be available.

Oh, codeine. Yes. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Codeine *is* available over the counter here, in a pill that has paracetamol and doxylamine succinate. My God, that shit is zen in a pill. Life can be rough off them, though, so I don't like taking them too much.

But I'm in so much pain so much of the time that it's all I've got to help me.

My GP has run out of ideas for my pain relief. I need to get proper Pain Management, but I'm not bad enough for the scheme at the local hospital, apparently.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

Gnr. Fuckers!

I get stupid from ibuprofin. Ibu fucking profin. It's the only thing that kills cramps dead, but it makes me dumber than a box of hair.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh! Dumber than a box of hair - I love it! Never heard of that one before!

Codeine makes me forgetful. I hate it, I'm already really forgetful and meat-mouthed as it is, the last thing I need is my pain-relief reducing me to Mel-Gibson levels of incoherency. But it's either that or writhing in pain.

And you wonder why I get depressed!! LOL!

[callistra.livejournal.com]

Codeine makes me stupid and I just sit around staring at things. I try to avoid it, but I ran out of tramadol yesterday. Hoping that staying in bed will mean no pains for me!

*hugs*
I have no help, only hugs and sympathies hun
I'm sorry

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Tramadol makes me freak out, sadly. Can't take it.

Ugh. Pain bad today.

*hugs* Thanks, dude. What are you doing for Halloween?

[callistra.livejournal.com]

I have an engagement party and the kids have been invited too
:-)
I should be up for leaving the house by then. It may be my first venture into the public life.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

An engagement party on Halloween? How awesome! LOL! I will be going to Kendra's party. I'm a bit nervous - social anxiety acting up. I'm in constant fear that I'm really not fun to be around.

[hotclaws.livejournal.com]

Absolutely,I go along thinking I'm coping and about twice a year I plummet downhill for no reason at all.I've learned it passes and all you can do is hang on.But it does pass.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*phew* Then I'm not losing my mind. *nods*

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ ♥

That is all.

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

Just sharing a link with you, Nancy, 'cause this program has saved my life over the last seven months:

http://celebraterecovery.com.au/

It's a lot like AA or NA, I think, except you can go there for help with sexual assault trauma, self-esteem issues, anger issues, problems relating to other people, you name it.

I like it because it's a safe place for me, and I've learned a lot of tools to help with my anxiety, depression, codependency, food issues, sleep issues, relationships.... :) And I know people who are finding it useful in dealing with chronic pain as well (fibromyalgia, back injuries, etc.). Anyway, just thought I'd show ya!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's comforting to know I'm not the only one that has these spells. It makes it feel like a normal thing, you know?

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Today's been better than yesterday. Which is an utter relief!

[wingedselkie.livejournal.com]

Yes, there are others of us out there. Don't you worry; it's not just you. Sometimes, despite the drugs that are supposed to keep us stable, we have a massive shift in mood/emotions. It's a part of life I haven't quite figured out yet. We have to come to terms with the fact that there is no miracle cure - only things to help us cope. The other part is forgiving ourselves for our bad days: realizing they are as much a part of us as our good days, and our real friends will love us in spite of both.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I think anxiety is pairing up with my pain issues to make me freak out. I get to see my psych tomorrow, so I can talk it through with her.

I guess, when you first start healing from your assault and start talking about it, you get told things will get better. I don't remember being told that there are going to be bad days. I remember my sister saying some things get better, some things get worse.

I think I'm most afraid of my mind being out of my own control.

[wingedselkie.livejournal.com]

Absolutely there will be bad days. They're part of any sort of struggle. That was one thing I was told by my therapist - "you will have bad days. But you will have good days, too, and completely boring days. Just take it one day at a time."

I know - I hate the feeling that maybe there's something so wrong with me that I can't control my own brain. I completely understand that fear.

I wish you well on your journey.

[litashields.livejournal.com]

The presence of mind to recognize negative behavior, know that its not helping and wanting to change is a HUGE step.

You can't start to climb if you don't realize you are on a ladder, you know?

It was like that for me. I went through a lot of stuff as a kid, and it took me years of unconditional love and support before I even became capable of dealing with what was goin on in my head.

You are amazing Nacey, and I will tell you this: Things are getting better, even if its tiny things like self realization in an area you were blind to before. Take heart dear, baby steps are still steps forward.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks babe.