10 Things Not to Say to a Sexual Assault Victim.

[logansrogue]

I've seen a large number of counsellors and psychologists/psychiatrists since I was assaulted. There's a sort of grim humour in the stuff I hear. I have to laugh. I have to laugh at the fact that I know how to treat sexual assault victims better than people that have spent years in university ostensibly learning how to be mental health professionals. There are good ones out there, I just don't have the money to see them. Anyway, point being - sometimes, we assault victims talk about our experiences. There are certain things we want to hear, and then there's a buttload of things we don't. Here's a few of them.



10. Why didn't you [shout/scream/call for help]? Okay. You know when you have a really scary dream, and everything slows down in that dream? It's like you can't run fast enough, you can't move quickly enough, before whatever you're terrified of gets you? Rape/Sexual Assault is JUST LIKE THAT. Except you CAN'T WAKE UP. You can't move. You can't say anything. I don't know why it's like that. I haven't had anyone counsel me about that part of my experience and it's something I sit up at night wondering about. Your average rape victim will also feel this way, more often than not. It's a trigger, and it lays the blame for their attack at their feet. So DON'T ASK THIS QUESTION.

9. Why didn't you hit him/run? This is 10's yucky cousin. Like 10, there is no answer. It's just the way it happens. Fear paralyses you. It's a survival response. Moving on.

8. Maybe you should take up a self-defense course? No. I would love to take up a self defense course, but that's more confidence and health related than anything. And remember what I said about fear being paralytic? Even black-belts get raped.

7. Don't ask what the person did before the rape. Not during the rape, not after the rape. The victim/survivor will talk about it if they need to.

6. Don't criticise. You'd think that one is straight forward, but I've been criticised by two mental health professionals. It happens.

5. Don't ask for proof/details. Even if you're doubtful, don't vocalise that to the victim/survivor. Also keep in mind that very, VERY few rape/assault accusations are false. If a person has gone to the trouble of making an accusation, they probably fucking well mean it. You don't make that decision lightly. I agonised over whether to share the truth of my assault. I didn't just make the accusation because I didn't like the guy. It's a serious situation that often reflects BADLY on the victim/survivor, so if they claim they've been hurt in this way, they probably have. You just feel like you're going mad if you can't announce the truth and throw off the blame.

4. Don't pressure them to go to the police/try to push a charge. The priority of a victim is to survive. Living from day to day after an assault is a struggle, a horrible thing I hope you never, ever have to understand (and my deepest love and sadness if you do). It is something the victim/survivor has to choose for themselves. There's a lot of emotional/psychological hurdles involved in going to the police. I myself didn't cause I knew I could never get my charge to stick. It would basically be he said/she said, and in this patriarchal society, he said has more credence than she said. Don't lay the guilt at their feet if their attacker hurts someone again. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT. Yet the guilt and shame of "Letting the rapist get away with it" is very often laid at the previous victim's feet, sometimes unknowingly with such comments as, "But you have to stop him" or "What about the women he hurts in the future?"

3. Don't question their coping mechanisms. Sometimes victims/survivors do some seemingly odd things to cope with their newfound trauma. I liked watching lots of childish videos, colouring in pictures, and wearing covering clothes. Some lock all doors, or put a chair up against their bedroom door. Some never wear certain sorts of shoes again (so they can run better) or they might avoid certain kinds of movies or media. It might seem strange, but it's what they gotta do to get by. Support them.

2. Don't lament in this change in behaviour. Don't say, "Oh, but you used to be so full of life" or "You're not the person you used to be." I know I was paranoid and depressed that I had changed. I haven't changed, I am still the same person. I'm just a little scarred emotionally, that's all.

1. Don't make rape jokes. You'd think this would be straight forward. Once, I revealed that I had been assaulted to someone. Later in the conversation, they made a rape joke. I felt like vomiting right there at the table. I ran off into the restroom of the cafe and shat myself from the storm of adrenaline and anxiety that had rocketed through my body as a result. Rape jokes are RARELY OKAY. Grim gallows humour between survivors: Good. Every other rape joke in existence: BAD. BAD BAD BAD. DON'T DO IT. It's NOT EDGY. IT'S DOUCHY. DON'T DO IT!



This website will tell you good things to say if a friend has been hurt in this way.

Comments

[ausizoro.livejournal.com]

would be nice to see a similar list as the one above, but "10 Things you should Say to a Sexual Assault Victim."

i couldnt find one on the site

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

The page I linked to told you what one should do if a friend is sexually assaulted. It's easier to be careful about what you say than to suggest what SHOULD be said. I say to you this - if in doubt, listen. Acknowledge their feelings and listen.

[ausizoro.livejournal.com]

yeah, thats all i do, cos i never know what to say, so i just listen and comfort when needed, without judgement.

[http://users.livejournal.com/lemmings_/]

Thanks for posting this; it was really interesting and relevant to read, especially because often if a friend mentions this to you, often you don't know what to say. It seems to me like a lot of these things are common responses unfortunately.

I know myself, I don't believe what happened to me was nearly as bad as what has happened to others, but being touched inappropriately is still assault. When I tried to say something about it, it was dismissed as insignificant, petty and hell even UNTRUE by one of my closest friends at the time. You are absolutely right. When it is happening, it's like your whole body is in disbelief. You ARE paralysed, and in my case, I was because I could not comprehend it was happening. And everytime you try to say something about it you think, is it really that significant. Maybe it won't happen again. It took my friend finding out about it to give me the courage to confront him about it, and then yeah, a lot of other girls came out of the woodwork, but one should NEVER feel that pressure of "You could save others", sometimes, it takes all your strength just to admit it's happening, let alone deal with it.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I think I need to write "Things you should say" because I've shot down a lot of things people say out of sheer shock.

[im-an-aaangel.livejournal.com]

I had a friend in high school who told me that the night before that one, she had been raped. I was so confused about why she would only tell me and not get something done. It wasn't until years later when I realized why. This list only further proves my point. There is way too much victim blaming in this world.

[wiccarowan.livejournal.com]

Honestly, you'd think all that stuff should be obvious and it's heartbreaking that you need to point it out.

Further to 9 and 8 - if you smack someone who's trying to assault you, then THEY may press charges against YOU. I was just trying to give the girl a hug, your honour, and she broke my nose. And it again comes down to "he said / she said".

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yup. The saddest thing? I've had supposed health professionals ask me these stupid questions. Hopefully the look of utter disbelief at their brazen stupidity haunts them cause dude, I am not impressed by that sort of fuckery.

[purrdence.livejournal.com]

I once read in a magazine somewhere that if you were being assaulted to go limp, as some attackers get off on the struggle. It was the only thing to enter my mind, to go limp and passive and hope he'd stop soon and not do anything worse (my attacker just dry humped me and we were both fully clothed).

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

My sister bargained for her life as she was raped over an hour. She cried and told him that she didn't care if she was killed, but her mother, her poor mother would never recover from the heartache of losing her. She described Mum in great detail. He let her go.

My sister is the bravest, smartest person I know. And one of the luckiest.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

9 and 10 are so familiar to me. When I was 16 I was "felt up" on an intercity bus between New Orleans and Baton Rouge, LA, by a complete stranger, a middle-aged drifter who sat down next to me and laid his hand on my thigh (I was wearing a short skirt) and proceeded to move his hand up and down my thigh for the next, oh, at least an hour. And let me tell you, although there were 30-40 other people on that bus, I was unable to say ANYTHING. It was like my vocal cords were frozen. And I never told ANYONE about it for years. I felt as though I should have done something but I couldn't; I guess I thought I would be blamed, because I'd worn a short skirt. This happened many years ago but I've never forgot it.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

The shame and guilt is horrible, and it's made all the worse by the way society is structured. A woman is always to blame in this situation. It's rarely the man's fault - this is why we clam up and hide it away. *hugs*

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

I will only say this for the ignorant people out there: it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to know what rape/assault/molestation feels like if they haven't been through it. You can try to explain it all from A-Z and they still won't get it, even if they really try. But in lieu of understanding, it's always good to keep lists like yours for the really clueless people.

You know which one I always thought was ridiculous? When my dad asked if I would talk to my brother about the incident. Sure, it might have happened five years ago, but that doesn't mean I feel okay confronting someone who didn't even know how violated I felt back then and probably wouldn't remember now. Someone who would think I made it all up or imagined it and seek to invalidate everything I went through. I think most victims would feel pretty weird about confronting their attackers in any situation, whether up close or in a court room. It's weird how I seemed to forget about that recently when I was in a LiveJournal community about crazy exes, noticing how a lot of the crazy ex stories centered around abuse, mental, sexual and physical. I wrote a whole entry trying to tell them all to get help, not realizing that I was doing the whole victim blaming, and, well, a lot of people put me in my place.

For me, getting help wasn't an issue because I'd been told over and over again in date rape courses at school that talking about your experiences to people who can help you is a good thing. I doubt few people have been told that at all, much less even had conversations about things like abuse and rape prior to their traumatic experiences. We still unfortunately live in a world where people would rather pretend that rape and abuse don't exist (as opposed to making the world aware of it so it NO LONGER exists). Needless to say, I learned my lesson, but it doesn't mean that I don't think we shouldn't form more support groups for people regardless of whether they've experienced rape or abuse or not. People need to know about it, need to know what the victims experience and what it does to them mentally, and need to know how to create a safe environment for victims.

[mollymoon.livejournal.com]

We don't fight back because we're afraid of getting hit (or worse, killed). We don't scream because we're afraid that no one will come to help. We don't scream because we've been told not to, that it will get worse if we do.

We are the deer in the headlights.

Sorry kiddo. Keep trying though. Maybe next time bring a fact sheet of what you're seeking from the psych - i.e. someone that will shut up and listen.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know, right? Thing is, I let these psychs know well in advance what I needed - post-traumatic treatment. They failed miserably.

[meleth.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that people who are supposed to be trained and helpful have sometimes been horrible to you. *hug*

[hanabishirecca.livejournal.com]

#5 is why I never was able to get professional help after being raped.

It is a very good list. Its sad that so many of these need to be spelled out despite being common sense.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs if you want them* Pandora's Aquarium is a good place to air out any feelings if you need to vent. A very supportive safe place.

[hanabishirecca.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I was able to come to terms on my own time in my own way. It was twelve years ago. Certain things still trigger some of the raw emotions from that moment though and I doubt I'll be able to ever fully overcome those.

Still, I've book marked and checking out the website. I have assumed that the healing is done but if I still get upset about it sometimes, it might not hurt to talk.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I don't hang out there all the time, just in my worst moments. It's always good to have an ear.

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

Well said as always. *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Thanks, darl. *hug*

[pharaoh-katt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. 100% accurate. There's a reason why it took years for me to be comfortable seeing someone, and why I still haven't told my parents. Everyone should read this!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It's something that really should be shared. Oh, and I found a new one the other day. "If anyone tried to do that to me, I'd fucking punch them." Or some other promise of violence. The worst thing to say, cause it just makes a survivor/victim feel as though they got assaulted because they weren't strong enough or smart enough to resist the assault. It totally doesn't account for the fear factor that's involved. I'm glad you found this post helpful! *supportive energies in lieu of hugs*