Yes, Cracked.com. Childbirth IS terrifying.

[logansrogue]

So when I'm in moments of extreme and unremitting boredom, I look for shit on the net to peruse. Sometimes I peruse Cracked.com. I don't know why, I suppose it's a guilty pleasure of mine - juvenile man-boy humour. I read enough to know when they're mistaken about something and I'm never so credulous than to take them at face value because, dude - they're in the business of making you laugh or want to crawl into your own anus (it seems).

They'll talk about men fighting bears, super concept cars, tanks, blood, gore, destruction! Video games! So presumeably when I stumbled upon their article "6 Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth", I thought I was going to be in for a gorefest and was immediately a little worried.

Then I realised this is a humour website written by men that have barely had much sex, let alone witnessed the horrors of childbirth. So I needn't have worried.

First thing up? The placenta. That's right. The afterbirth! That sac of skin and blood and meat that some mothers look upon with dewy-eyed tenderness as the thing that bound them to their bundles of joy while they were in situ in the belly. And really, the placenta is the most basic thing in a birth, right? I mean - we're PLACENTAL mammals! It's core to our classification in the animal kingdom! And these guys are surprised that they pop out somewhere in the birth process?

Then they freak out at the very common and incredibly horribly painful episiotomy. Yeah. It's fucking horror-movie stuff, but boy do they get hysterical about it. And guess what? Women do it, women survive it, women go on to do it repeatedly. HOW BAD ASS ARE WE, MOTHERFUCKERS?

Then they proceed to freak out about poo. Shit. First the mother shitting, then the baby having its first gooey black extreta. It's at this point I figure I should send these guys a consignment of t-shirts saying, "We talk big, but we're a bunch of jibbering weiners." I'd say pussies but in this instance, its clear what a pussy is made of.

Following is them freaking out about the fact that the baby's head is a little munted when it comes out the other end of the harrowing passage out of the tiny cavity that is the human pelvis. It only lasts a couple of days at the most, and really, it's a miracle of nature that the baby can survive such a thing with such a huge freakin' bonce.

The final medical thing they wail about is foetal monitoring. It's a bit shocking to read about at first, I'm sure, but what else are they supposed to do? Put a little finger clampy thing on the baby's fist?

There is SO MUCH these guys clearly don't know about childbirth. It is a bloody, messy, pain-ridden, demanding, life-threatening miracle and women survive it every day. Men go through a fraction of that kind of agony and get called heroes. Women do this every day and we're safely delivering the next generation into the world - it's nothing. It's what we're here for.

In stark contrast to the blatant misogyny in some of the humour on that site, it's kind of embittering, really. They're self-congratulating with the macho-ideal, laughing at what they think women are like while they're at it, and yet when confronted with a mere fraction of the huge truth of womanhood, they lose their collective shit.

Well. *sigh* Sometimes they're funny, I guess. They clearly need more women writers.

Comments

[ausizoro.livejournal.com]

LOL, i found this amusing picture you may find funny.

NSFW

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh, I can't help but agree with that. Vaginas are built for babies to pass through. I couldn't imagine a penis would survive such a thing!

[sugaryfun.livejournal.com]

Heh heh. Nice review.

I find the idea of episiotomy very scary. DO NOT WANT! Fortunately the birth centre where I'm having the bub doesn't pressure women about having them.

You inspired me to google image search placentas (might as well prepare myself). They're not so bad. I want to have a good look at mine if I get the chance.

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

This just proves that men are huge babies. :P

They definitely do need more women writers. (And more respect to go along with it.)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, the idea of sharp things anywhere NEAR my lady bits has me in a cold-sweat! Not a thing I look forward to (should I be lucky enough to have a baby).

My sister tore before they cut her. I mean really, when the choice is tearing by blunt baby head or cutting it so that it can be neatly sewn up again afterwards, I think you know which a lady will choose. My sister is sad about the state of her vulva now, though. She calls it "Franken-Cunt".

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

There are a couple there but they tend to play along with the guys a bit. I am all for confronting, inappropriate humour. But there's the proviso it's actually, you know, funny.

[lauredhel.livejournal.com]

Actually, someone who's done her research will choose tearing. Tears heal faster, and are associated with less severe long-term sequelae.

Episiotomies are very, very rarely indicated; and certainly should be done far less often than they are now.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Really? I didn't know that! Now I do! Thank you!

[likebunnies.livejournal.com]

The scariest thing really is the bill at the end. And I have never heard a woman (or anyone, really) ever mention the placenta. I think by that point everyone is just too damn happy the baby is out.

They forgot to mention that if you have a c-section without much labor beforehand, you can have a baby with a perfect head. But you end up with your innards out there for all to see and a scar that would probably horrify them for life.

[lauredhel.livejournal.com]

Lotsa stuff doctors do that seems "obvious" doesn't turn out to be the best plan. It's kinda scary.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Well I know that inducing labour can end disasterously. We have a disabled nephew to attest to that. :(

[triestine.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm a woman and I'm scared shitless of this stuff as much as those guys are.

[lady-niav.livejournal.com]

Dude, made my evening.

I'm gonna save this post to snerk at another time. Can I email it to a couple of people?

I have no desire to ever bring forth children so thankfully this aint gonna apply to me, but full respect to those who do it! And shame on those whiney ballsacks who give no credit.

[im-an-aaangel.livejournal.com]

Cracked is funny but it will always be annoying and stupid until they hire some women. -_-

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's scary! I don't blame you, I'm frightened of it myself. It's just they make such a noise of tough stuff humour, then lose their crap over the very least of childbirth - it strikes me as funny.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh, please do! I'd be honoured if you shared it!

I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to have a little one of my own, but I've seen my mother have two and my sisters have eight. I'm a raging feminist and I'll verbally cut a bitch if they try to rag on the hard work some women put into being a mother. It's only a part of what being a woman is about, it's such a varied thing, but a lot of people, feminists included, forget what important work it is.

Whiney ballsacks. I'm going to have to remember that one. :)

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

They have had two women that I've seen. Good stuff, but one slipped into a misogynistic trope at one point. But hell, I can't fault her for something that I do myself all the time.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

What pisses me off is that some guys are so grossed out by watching their wives give birth that, even when their wives are physically ready for sexual relations again, the husbands can't get past their initial "gross out" factor. Total hypocrisy, if you ask me.

However, honestly...reading this article only gave me six more reasons never to have children. I've never wanted them anyway, and much as I have a high pain tolerance, having an IUD inserted was the most pain I will ever feel a need to experience in that particular region of my body. Even now, six or seven weeks later, I get random burning cramps and it pisses me off.

[nicoli-dominn.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, OWWWW...

[meleth.livejournal.com]

Oh noes! The placenta exists and is the stuff of nightmares! Also, babies have terrifyingly-shaped heads that will haunt your dreams. And let's throw in some stuff about immigrants while we're at it.

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

Chicky, I love you for this :)

Boys are such whiny little whiners :P If men had to do this, you can bet your bottom that the drugs would be better and epidurals wouldn't be administered through a big ass needle in the spine. Actually, they would give you something to put you peacefully to sleep and you wouldn't wake up till it was all over, then a fucking parade would mount up to truck you through the streets, because, damnit! childbirth is fucking hard!@#!

But since its a chick thing,... well, we are just that bad ass ;)

[sugaryfun.livejournal.com]

True. There's a disturbing amount of misinformation surrounding birth.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I haven't had a kid yet, so I'm reticent to laud my badassness, but I'd like to think I'm pretty tough for enduring what I have with my endometriosis.

[3starsinmyeyes.livejournal.com]

yeah, I haven't had a kid either, my sis has two though, and I think she is a pretty tough cookie. She didn't have time for drugs with her last one, she went completely natural. I think she should get a t-shirt or something :)

I can't even imagine what you have to deal with having endometriosis. *hugs*