Double Appointment Day.

[logansrogue]

So, I've been a busy girl today.

First at the lovely hour of 8:30, I had to go to a Pain Management Appointment. It's weird. I don't generally realise how bad my pain is and how much it's changed my life until I sit down and explain to someone who knows nothing about my condition exactly what I go through day to day. The other difficulty was telling someone how much it hurt. I mean, you'd think that'd be pretty straight forward, huh? Something hurts or it doesn't. And when it does hurt, it hurts a little or it hurts a lot, right?

Wrong. As with all things in human perception, it all depends on the context. If you subject yourself to lots of loud noise, then you stop hearing the quieter sounds. If you spend hours in the sunshine, when you come inside, all you see is green and darkness, because your eyes are conditioned for brightness.

When you're in pain every single day of your life, the scale of one to ten becomes sort of meaningless. What's Ten? Childbirth? Losing a limb? Post-operative ouchies? What's zero? I don't remember zero. Zero is in the land of unicorns and fairies for me. Zero is a childhood luxury, like toys for Christmas and dreams of being just like Jem.

Am I depressed about that? Some days, yes. Other days - fuck it. I will do what I have to, despite the fucking pain. I'm not letting anything, not pain, not trauma, not other people, NOTHING, get in the way of what I want to do. I have big, wonderful, amazing things to do. But I still need help dealing with this pain.

Wait, I've sidetracked. There's another word but I've had opiates today so my brain is muzzy. Digress! That's the one. I've digressed.

My fucked up pain perception, let me show you it. I went out to the Gay Pride march the other day. It was LOTS of fun! So many amazing people. There were drag shows and there was Vanessa Wagner being hilarious and my favourite songs on the PA - I clapped a LOT. I clapped HARD. Unfortunately, I was also wearing big hard metal rings on every bloody finger.

I felt my knuckles on my left hand feeling a bit sore. I thought when I looked at it that my hand would be a bit red. You know when your hand gets red from too much clapping?

There was this thick stripe of PURPLE and BLUE across my knuckles! I had bruised myself quite horribly with all the clapping and I didn't notice that I was hurting myself until the bruise had formed hours later!

So, I explained to the young doctor I was talking to that my gauging of my pain on the scale of one to ten is a little fucked up right now. He said that he'd bring my case to the other doctor peoples and then he'd let me know if I was suitable for the Pain Management programme. I was also given a prescription for some heavy duty Panadol. (Panadol Osteo). It'll be interesting to see how that goes.

Then it was time for the clinical psychologist appointment. She specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think that's what it's called. Basically, trying to sort out my negative thinking. Which is great, because I tell you - I have a BUTTLOAD of it. I've found her to be incredibly helpful in working out my issues. One thing that she wants me to do is to list down the good things about myself, the things I like about myself - sans my talents.

See, I have a habit of judging my self worth in the terms of how active I am with my creative work and how good at my creative work I am. If I'm doing well, I'm happy with myself. If I'm having a bad day and can't ink because of the shakes or I can't get a song out of my heart and onto the keys, then I tend to feel like a total failure of a human being. It's not something I talk about on here much, or to anyone really, but I'm a terrible perfectionist and I am the worst bully in the world, to myself. I never feel like what I do is good enough - I want to do better. On the one hand this is a good thing - I will always strive to be better. On the other hand, I really don't ever give myself credit where it's due when I do a good job.

For so long being creative has been a crutch for me. I make friends because I'm good at something. I draw pictures and people tell me it's good, then I make friends. I sing a pretty song and people come up to talk to me - I feel good, we make friends. It's my way of bypassing the ice instead of breaking it. It's my way of showing people exactly who I am without all the messy small talk. But there's a problem - I've done this for so long I've forgotten how to talk to people normally. I fumble, I make bad jokes, I talk about things nobody wants to hear about. I don't hang out with "normal" people anymore because I have no idea what they talk about.

Creativity is a part of who I am, but it isn't everything. I realised today that I really don't feel confident at all without my creativity. It's like my armour. I don't know how to love the person behind the talents. Is it wrong to try to separate me from something that is so integral to who I am? Or is it a beneficial thing to put aside my talents for a moment and focus on the other things about myself that are good but that I never take notice of? My pressure for success stops me from seeing the other things I should feel good about.

I don't know how to write that list of things. I start in my head... Kindness, generosity, gentleness, good humour, loyalty, openness, honesty... these are things I think that deserve no applaud because I feel they're the things that makes a person good. I just have to be that way. It's my way of making the world a little better. Be the change you want to see, you know what I mean? I try to be the best person I can be.

I don't know how to feel confident about the core of who I am. I'm immediately that little girl at school again, watching the others play, with no clue as to how to join in. I remember the thoughts that echoed in my head as I cried: "They don't want to play with me. I'm nobody."

If I didn't have my talents, would I still be that nobody? Would people still want to know me? Is that core so totally unloveable that I can't hold that part of myself and say, "You are worthy of being loved"?

I've put myself down for so long, felt so horrible about myself at the core of my being for so long, I don't know how to BE any other way. It's almost frightening.

What's good about me? I don't know. Do any of you know?

Psychoanalysis is often difficult. I know I'm making headway if I end up crying about it. I think there'll be a lot of crying over this one. Listing my strong points. It's hard because I have a lot of faults I feel guilty about. I wish I were a better person every day.

Will I ever be free of my lack of self-confidence? Probably not, I'll probably be fighting it for the rest of my life. As long as I make some progress, though, as long as I learn that I was wrong about some things, that I'm better than I know, then it won't be for nothing.

Comments

[litashields.livejournal.com]

Good stuff? You are such a strong person. You were assualted, and instead of letting it get the best of you you got through it. But you didn't just get through it, you came out stronger and wiser and better. I don't know many people capable of that *HUGS*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I think everyone that survives such a thing is made of the same stuff. But no, I'm not supposed to belittle my own good points here. *smacks self* Thank you. :) *hugs again*

[dclore.livejournal.com]

You were assaulted?!!!!?!!!! Shit! I've missed too much by not reading regularly!

*HUGS*

Anyway, don't worry about not feeling confident about your creativity - I do that all the time and can go months without lifting a finger to the black and whites. I'll feel like crap but I always know I'll come out the other side - and so will you! Besides, someone who writes songs like you do should never feel they're not creative because you blatantly are!

I think there was a point in there somewhere...

And the pain scale is useless! I broke my hip when I was 14 and there isn't a day goes by when I don't have some sort of pain in my hip, my knee, my ankle. It's probably not as bad as your pain but trying to pin a pain down to a number when it's a constant companion doesn't work.

Again, there's a point in there somewhere but it's 3 in the morning here and my cognitive processes aren't processing proper!!!

Jx

[sir-devans.livejournal.com]

That post SAYS what a good person you are. Be the change you want to see, you know what I mean? I try to be the best person I can be. You take that trait as a given, that everyone should or even does try to live that way with varying degrees of success. Na-Uh honey, not even close. People like me are out for them and their own. Personally you don't have to worry because somewhere along the way, you became one of my own. Anyway, I...wait what is it? Digress!
So as I see it your choices are this:
1. Keep being the wonderful person you are and keep talking to that psychologist. Having one for a mother is the pits but I hear she's done wonders for the people she's a therapist to.
2. Decide you are perfect and never strive to be better.
3. Decide there's is no point and succumb to all your negative thoughts and become a terrible son daughter, sister, and friend.

It is the continual struggle to be better and to overcome your negative side that makes you good, not the winning or the losing of the small battles along the way.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks man. :) *hugs*

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

Of course I appreciate your creativity, and that you are teh sexxy, and your ability to perform. But I wouldn't be your friend in the same way if you weren't kind, good humoured, interesting, honest and caring as well, to name just a few of your positive qualities. You are indeed worthy of being loved.

I think you do need to rediscover some self-confidence, and be a bit braver about taking on the world. The sort of self-confidence worth having is about self-love and appreciation. You are a good person, a nice person, a worthwhile person, I hope you can learn to feel that way about yourself all the time.

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

God, it looks like we're going through something very similar with the self-image issues...and you're awesome!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, so are you! I know we'll get through this, I believe it! *hugs* This reminds me, I have to make a post on AmazonsRPG. It's been so long, I've just been stuck with Doug's storyline, I don't know how to get into it!