Le Fic Angst!!
Feb. 10th, 2006 09:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueAaaaah. Damn it. I've been having a Xena kick lately. I know it's weird, and I know there's a lot of you that would prefer me taking part in different fandoms. There's something about the Xena fandom that I really need emotionally right now. Maybe it's the strong feminine vibes. Maybe it's the gentle man that I enjoy in Joxer. Who knows. All I know is that when I'm lying there in pain in bed, good Xena fic makes me forget about it, and I'm strong and active and young again.
Moving on. I'm trying to work on my Xena stories. I made the mistake of reading fic by some incredibly brilliant writers. I already mentioned that I was reading![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
random_flores's work. I've also been reading a sort of series by Dharma Bum, also known as beatgeek and been melting in her utter brilliance.
I mean, aside from the fact that she is the QUEEN of snarky one-liners, seriously, she is THAT good, she is also adept and bringing in subtle layering to the characters underneath that which just blows the mind. She takes Joxer and makes him, believably, into such a complex and compelling character. I mean, he was already interesting but she really just takes the character further, all the while keeping him true to his dorky, hapless self. She not only has these characters down pat, but she believably builds tension between Joxer and Gabrielle. You can damned well BELIEVE that Gabrielle would fall for Joxer in her stories, where-as half the time I feel like in my fics it's just written down wishful thinking. She beautifully realises the ancient world. It's a real, solid, amazing place in her stories. She describes everything so perfectly and effortlessly. It leaves me both awestruck and floored.
I sit there and think, how could I ever begin to write anything when there's stuff as good as that out there? It's stupid, I know it's stupid. And it's not just Dharma's work, it's Misty's work, Xebbie's work... all their fic has this maturely realised relationship between Joxer and Gabrielle. My stuff is hormones and heavy-breathing and cheap comedy.
Tina mentioned 'The Band', and it's one of those stories where I wonder how the hell it ever got popular. I had so much fun writing it, but I look back and cringe at some of the dialogue. The basic story and mythology behind it is great, but the writing is full of mistakes that I spot clearly these days.
I guess I'm too hard on myself. I was nineteen/twenty when I wrote most of this Xena fic. Other people maybe be brilliant prodigy writers at that age, but I was not. I needed a lot of practice and hard work. I still do. I'm still trying to figure this shit out.
I just want to be better, so badly. Sometimes, there's a spark. It's natural talent. It's that something that divides accomplished from utterly brilliant. My little brother has it - this effortlessly brilliant way with words. It's something that is damned near impossible to teach. You just can't do it. It has to come from within, a unique view of the world. I know I can write some good stuff, but I feel that I lack that spark. Maybe I'm just so-so at everything? Who knows.
Don't worry - I'm not beating myself up. I'm criticising myself out loud, a sort of mental process written down in my journal to get my head clear. Feel more than free to ignore.
Moving on. I'm trying to work on my Xena stories. I made the mistake of reading fic by some incredibly brilliant writers. I already mentioned that I was reading
random_flores's work. I've also been reading a sort of series by Dharma Bum, also known as beatgeek and been melting in her utter brilliance.I mean, aside from the fact that she is the QUEEN of snarky one-liners, seriously, she is THAT good, she is also adept and bringing in subtle layering to the characters underneath that which just blows the mind. She takes Joxer and makes him, believably, into such a complex and compelling character. I mean, he was already interesting but she really just takes the character further, all the while keeping him true to his dorky, hapless self. She not only has these characters down pat, but she believably builds tension between Joxer and Gabrielle. You can damned well BELIEVE that Gabrielle would fall for Joxer in her stories, where-as half the time I feel like in my fics it's just written down wishful thinking. She beautifully realises the ancient world. It's a real, solid, amazing place in her stories. She describes everything so perfectly and effortlessly. It leaves me both awestruck and floored.
I sit there and think, how could I ever begin to write anything when there's stuff as good as that out there? It's stupid, I know it's stupid. And it's not just Dharma's work, it's Misty's work, Xebbie's work... all their fic has this maturely realised relationship between Joxer and Gabrielle. My stuff is hormones and heavy-breathing and cheap comedy.
Tina mentioned 'The Band', and it's one of those stories where I wonder how the hell it ever got popular. I had so much fun writing it, but I look back and cringe at some of the dialogue. The basic story and mythology behind it is great, but the writing is full of mistakes that I spot clearly these days.
I guess I'm too hard on myself. I was nineteen/twenty when I wrote most of this Xena fic. Other people maybe be brilliant prodigy writers at that age, but I was not. I needed a lot of practice and hard work. I still do. I'm still trying to figure this shit out.
I just want to be better, so badly. Sometimes, there's a spark. It's natural talent. It's that something that divides accomplished from utterly brilliant. My little brother has it - this effortlessly brilliant way with words. It's something that is damned near impossible to teach. You just can't do it. It has to come from within, a unique view of the world. I know I can write some good stuff, but I feel that I lack that spark. Maybe I'm just so-so at everything? Who knows.
Don't worry - I'm not beating myself up. I'm criticising myself out loud, a sort of mental process written down in my journal to get my head clear. Feel more than free to ignore.
