Back in a financial hole.

You know, I'd finally managed to pay most of my debt off to Dad. I was finally at a point where I could start saving for things, you know? Like a new keyboard, or maybe a new laptop.

I'm back on my arse again now cause I need money for psychologist fees. Yeah, I'll get *most* of it back through medicare. But it's more than I can afford per fortnight (I have to pay it out of pocket first, then Medicare will reimburse me). Dad's refused to lend me any more money.

I *need* to see the psych. It's so important. It helped me immensely today. I'm still down but I'm able to pull myself up out of it for a minute or two. And I'm holding onto seeing my psych next week. She believes she can help me move on from this.

God. That's not even mentioning the lorazepam, which is helping me sleep at ALL, and it's not on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme so it ended up costing me 33 bucks for a packet of - I don't know how many. A lot. Should last me a long time.

Maybe I should finally do that fucking print run this time. I didn't do it before because people wanted faeries and I didn't have many faerie pictures. Time for a mastercard cliche.

Psychologist fees: $140 per hour
Packet of Ativan: $33.95
The chance to recover from sexual assault: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, I'm fucked.

Daily vent

I'd like to stop hurting now.

I'm freaking out. I had this special handout from the psych to help me and I lost it. And now I've gotten all worked up over losing it. I keep telling myself, "You can just go get another copy tomorrow."

There's just this crushing weight of depression and fear. And I'm terrified there's nothing I can do, no therapy or amount of mental gymnastics, that I can do to get rid of it.

I know that's wrong. Logically, I know I've gotten better before. I've defeated bad times. I'm just so scared I'm not strong enough this time around. I'm so frightened!! It's like I'm drowning in despair. It's the most awful feeling in the world. Oh God, I just want it to stop!!

I think I'm going to call the SARC 24 hour line. I obviously need to talk to someone.

When I stumble and cry...

There are all these arms catching me, and voices telling me how their hearts hurt for me.

I am truly, deeply blessed. I love each and every one of you. I am going through a terrible, awful time. But I've had such brilliant, blinding moments of kindness that I would never have seen otherwise.

I feel enfolded in countless arms. You people make me smile. A lot!

Rogue is too cute for Science...

She must be preserved and studied by Cuteologists for years to come.

Using Paul's extra awesome camera, I managed to capture these nature snaps of my baby doll in action. Watch her:

- Fight.
- Say Please.
- Charm the socks off fo you.

( The Photographic Evidence... )