Feb. 21st, 2007

logansrogue: (Default)
I was talking to Scotty tonight about life, we were both pretty down. It occurred to me that, of all the family, I am the biggest failure. I am:

- The last to lose her virginity age-wise. (Scotty not counted cause, uhm, yeah).
- The only one not to have a proper boyfriend by age 27.
- The only one not to have a long-term job at some point.
- The only one not to have any actual gigs, and I don't know why this is - I guess I was too busy from 1997 to 2005 being a fucking mental case.
- The only one who hasn't completed her diploma or certificates at tertiary education - I am an ART school drop-out, for fuck's sakes!!

I am just, so socially retarded, so stunted in my life. If I died tomorrow there'd be nothing to show for my existence. A room full of crap. A cheap keyboard, a pile of shit clothes, worn shoes, a couple of wigs, some costumes, a sword, a shitload of art equipment, a pile of drawings and paintings, some shit recordings of songs, and some sad family who put up with a lot of my shit, even though they shouldn't have to. Oh, and a couple of confused cats. But they'd get over it pretty quick.

I'm really hating my life right now. I'm still sick. I still feel sick. I want to reclaim my life back but my body won't let me. I still get headaches, my guts still hurt, I have no energy, I feel like shit all the time.

The worst thing is that Centrelink says I can't get any more doctor's certificates, that I have to start looking for work now or something. They're going to put me on this workfind thing with this company that specialises in people with chronic health conditions and disabilities. I wouldn't mind so much but I'm still sick. I can't even walk to the station without wanting to throw up.

How did I get to this? Where did my life go wrong? My greatest fear is to leave this world one day and to not have made a slightest bit of difference. To not have left my mark. It terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night.
logansrogue: (Default)
I know I should respond to you all individually, but I barely know what to say. You guys are so fucking sweet to me, and I cried a couple of times (happy tears) from reading what you wrote. You really seriously cheered me up. I'm so *very* blessed and lucky to have mates like you, I savour and adore every single one of you.

On the flipside of cheering, my Dad said something - oh so touching today. I was sitting down on the couch while the weathergirl was on TV and he says to me:

"You could stand to lose a couple of pounds."

I glared at him and gave him the finger. Dad laughed in shock that I'd do that to him, but I told him quite loudly, "I've fucking LOST weight lately! Fuck you!"

Seriously, he can be such a jerk sometimes. But he's not all bad. He IS driving me into Fremantle tomorrow, so I don't have to walk for ages. Which is really, really good cause I am having the worst headaches lately.

ETA: This is how 'fat' I am. (Yeah, I know my hips are big, but I'm part Mediterranian, what am I gonna do? Plus they go with the giant German shoulders! LOL!)

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