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One of those stupid freakin' days.
Jan. 21st, 2006 12:45 amIt's been one of those days. Had a helluv an argument with my Mum, and have felt very unsupported in my pain the past two days.
See, my sister Helen has been living with pain for years. She got it seen to and it never came to anything - they said they didn't find endo and she says she doesn't have a choice, she pushes past the pain. She's convinced I don't have endo. I try to tell her I'm not her, I'm a different person but she just goes quiet and gives me this, "Uhuh, whatever..." look that drives me nuts. It makes me feel weak and stupid when I actively seek an answer to what I'm going through. She and Mum have been haranguing me to try taking psyllium husks every day. Three days of it and I still haven't been to the toilet for a big one. My stomach is starting to look and feel like a big round balloon. It makes me feel very fat and unattractive.
I wish I could put into words the expression that's on Helen's face when I tell her how much pain I'm in. It's sort of "Yeah, so?" But it doesn't mean she doesn't care - she's a great sister and I love her dearly, I just ... God. I feel so small and stupid when I try to talk to her about my health problems. I think she thinks I'm overreacting, or that I'm not dealing with the pain well enough. It makes me want to cry.
Mum's no help either. She gets mad if I won't get up to feed the cats. To feed the cats, I have to walk around quite a bit, cleaning out plates and serving up meat and sometimes I just don't feel up to it. I'm sore, all I want to do is keep sleeping. Maybe it's good she makes me get up and do stuff, I don't know. Then sometimes if she's in a shit mood and I happen to mention my pain, she'll start telling me all about HER pain, which I do genuinely feel bad for, seeing as she's got arthritis in her back and is usually busy making dinner for me, and I've got something I'm not sure what it is. Way to make me feel good about it all.
People don't understand, though. When I complain about my figure they go, "Exercise!"
... Gee. I never thought of that. No, really, I hadn't. What a fucking genius!!! Why, what was I thinking, staying at home and not walking all that distance to school four days a week? Am I just plain lazy?! Don't these people think that if I could swim laps or do stomach crunches, that I'd never have missed all that school, or stayed at home MOST OF THE SUMMER when it's been PERFECT nightclubbing weather?
PEOPLE FUCKING SHIT ME!!!!!
Of course everything is making me want to cry today. I'm coming up to my periods and I keep having awful cramps. Not to mention the fact that my plumbing is stopped up and I've had psyllium husks AND salads for dinner for the past two nights, so I can't understand what the hell is wrong with me. I keep wondering if this is all just my bowels and that when I keep eating all the fibre, it'll sort itself out and I'll have to apologise to everyone, "I'm sorry, I'm not seriously ill after all. I just can't feed myself properly."
Another thing occurred to me after Tina's Engagement Party... I don't feel I belong amongst Unisfa people anymore. I have a few friends there that I'm very close to, but everyone else I just feel this huge gaping gulf between me and whoever I happen to be talking to. I know that sounds melodramatic but it's worsened by the fact that I haven't hung out with the crowd for nearly a year now, and I don't know how I can considering current circumstances. I guess I'll keep hanging out with people on a person by person basis.
Now to rub salt into the wounds, my brothers are playing bad Beatles covers. Joe Pesci singing Got To Get You Into My Life... I think my brain just had an anuerism or something. My spirit is typing this, it really is. Gah.
I guess the crux of the matter is that I really feel trapped by my condition, and I feel that it's my fault somehow. Not to mention that my current hormonal state is making me feel that much worse. I keep crying today for whatever reason and it's driving me up the wall. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I can't draw or sing or write cause there's nothing good or happy inside of me and I hate producing angsty stuff and I don't feel good about my style or my skills.
I had to put Mary outside cause her eggsac will probably hatch soon. Every time I go into the kitchen, I go to look at her in her cactii and she's not there. It's just a space on the sideboard.
Okay, I'm going to stop my hormonal mad ranting now. I'm sorry I've gone on like this. I'm going to go find some mind-numbing waste of time on the net and forget about life for a while.
See, my sister Helen has been living with pain for years. She got it seen to and it never came to anything - they said they didn't find endo and she says she doesn't have a choice, she pushes past the pain. She's convinced I don't have endo. I try to tell her I'm not her, I'm a different person but she just goes quiet and gives me this, "Uhuh, whatever..." look that drives me nuts. It makes me feel weak and stupid when I actively seek an answer to what I'm going through. She and Mum have been haranguing me to try taking psyllium husks every day. Three days of it and I still haven't been to the toilet for a big one. My stomach is starting to look and feel like a big round balloon. It makes me feel very fat and unattractive.
I wish I could put into words the expression that's on Helen's face when I tell her how much pain I'm in. It's sort of "Yeah, so?" But it doesn't mean she doesn't care - she's a great sister and I love her dearly, I just ... God. I feel so small and stupid when I try to talk to her about my health problems. I think she thinks I'm overreacting, or that I'm not dealing with the pain well enough. It makes me want to cry.
Mum's no help either. She gets mad if I won't get up to feed the cats. To feed the cats, I have to walk around quite a bit, cleaning out plates and serving up meat and sometimes I just don't feel up to it. I'm sore, all I want to do is keep sleeping. Maybe it's good she makes me get up and do stuff, I don't know. Then sometimes if she's in a shit mood and I happen to mention my pain, she'll start telling me all about HER pain, which I do genuinely feel bad for, seeing as she's got arthritis in her back and is usually busy making dinner for me, and I've got something I'm not sure what it is. Way to make me feel good about it all.
People don't understand, though. When I complain about my figure they go, "Exercise!"
... Gee. I never thought of that. No, really, I hadn't. What a fucking genius!!! Why, what was I thinking, staying at home and not walking all that distance to school four days a week? Am I just plain lazy?! Don't these people think that if I could swim laps or do stomach crunches, that I'd never have missed all that school, or stayed at home MOST OF THE SUMMER when it's been PERFECT nightclubbing weather?
PEOPLE FUCKING SHIT ME!!!!!
Of course everything is making me want to cry today. I'm coming up to my periods and I keep having awful cramps. Not to mention the fact that my plumbing is stopped up and I've had psyllium husks AND salads for dinner for the past two nights, so I can't understand what the hell is wrong with me. I keep wondering if this is all just my bowels and that when I keep eating all the fibre, it'll sort itself out and I'll have to apologise to everyone, "I'm sorry, I'm not seriously ill after all. I just can't feed myself properly."
Another thing occurred to me after Tina's Engagement Party... I don't feel I belong amongst Unisfa people anymore. I have a few friends there that I'm very close to, but everyone else I just feel this huge gaping gulf between me and whoever I happen to be talking to. I know that sounds melodramatic but it's worsened by the fact that I haven't hung out with the crowd for nearly a year now, and I don't know how I can considering current circumstances. I guess I'll keep hanging out with people on a person by person basis.
Now to rub salt into the wounds, my brothers are playing bad Beatles covers. Joe Pesci singing Got To Get You Into My Life... I think my brain just had an anuerism or something. My spirit is typing this, it really is. Gah.
I guess the crux of the matter is that I really feel trapped by my condition, and I feel that it's my fault somehow. Not to mention that my current hormonal state is making me feel that much worse. I keep crying today for whatever reason and it's driving me up the wall. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I can't draw or sing or write cause there's nothing good or happy inside of me and I hate producing angsty stuff and I don't feel good about my style or my skills.
I had to put Mary outside cause her eggsac will probably hatch soon. Every time I go into the kitchen, I go to look at her in her cactii and she's not there. It's just a space on the sideboard.
Okay, I'm going to stop my hormonal mad ranting now. I'm sorry I've gone on like this. I'm going to go find some mind-numbing waste of time on the net and forget about life for a while.
