Numb

I just found out tonight that my Oma (grandmother in Germany) is dying. She only has a few days to live. I feel sad, really sad deep in my chest, but not for the reasons I want to feel sad.

I feel sad because she's the last grandparent I have left. I feel sad because I never knew her. I feel sad because after she's gone, there will be no one for me from that generation who will give me lollies or smile at me proudly and see themselves in my stature or smile or laugh.

I have photos of Oma. Once I did meet her, but I was only a little little girl. I was there, in piggy tails, sitting in her lap, and she's smiling. But I don't remember the moments. I don't remember them. I don't even remember their smell. All I remember of my grandparents are the big huge parcels of goodies that they sent us. I remember how those smelled, and how excited I was when we got them.

I remember the money they sent me every month. I feel bad for spending it now, but I guess I got a lot of joy from it.

See, I was a little baby when my grandpa died. I was only about 6 or 8 months old. Then, my Oma and Opa have always been in Germany, and I've never gotten to meet them. I never wrote them letters, cause I never knew what to say to them. What do you say in the first letter to your grandparents? I think I wrote them one once. Don't know if they wrote back. I don't know german, and they don't know english very well.

I feel like such a bad grandchild. All these years and I never even tried to get to know them. It doesn't help that they're apparently rather stoic. I don't know them though so I couldn't tell you if that's true or not.

I guess it brings home how much I miss Granny. I was really really close to her. I miss her so much. Now I'll never have a grandparent there to see my first proper boyfriend, or to hold my first baby.

I'm sad that I'm losing my Oma. I wish I could tell her that it's helped me somehow, knowing that she was always there in Germany, thinking of Dad and caring for him, and the security in knowing that there was a grandparent there.

I'll be praying for her over the weekend and on if she lasts. Apparently she likes doing things for herself. When I was a baby, one of my first lines was, "*I* do it myself!"

Nancy.

Numb

I just found out tonight that my Oma (grandmother in Germany) is dying. She only has a few days to live. I feel sad, really sad deep in my chest, but not for the reasons I want to feel sad.

I feel sad because she's the last grandparent I have left. I feel sad because I never knew her. I feel sad because after she's gone, there will be no one for me from that generation who will give me lollies or smile at me proudly and see themselves in my stature or smile or laugh.

I have photos of Oma. Once I did meet her, but I was only a little little girl. I was there, in piggy tails, sitting in her lap, and she's smiling. But I don't remember the moments. I don't remember them. I don't even remember their smell. All I remember of my grandparents are the big huge parcels of goodies that they sent us. I remember how those smelled, and how excited I was when we got them.

I remember the money they sent me every month. I feel bad for spending it now, but I guess I got a lot of joy from it.

See, I was a little baby when my grandpa died. I was only about 6 or 8 months old. Then, my Oma and Opa have always been in Germany, and I've never gotten to meet them. I never wrote them letters, cause I never knew what to say to them. What do you say in the first letter to your grandparents? I think I wrote them one once. Don't know if they wrote back. I don't know german, and they don't know english very well.

I feel like such a bad grandchild. All these years and I never even tried to get to know them. It doesn't help that they're apparently rather stoic. I don't know them though so I couldn't tell you if that's true or not.

I guess it brings home how much I miss Granny. I was really really close to her. I miss her so much. Now I'll never have a grandparent there to see my first proper boyfriend, or to hold my first baby.

I'm sad that I'm losing my Oma. I wish I could tell her that it's helped me somehow, knowing that she was always there in Germany, thinking of Dad and caring for him, and the security in knowing that there was a grandparent there.

I'll be praying for her over the weekend and on if she lasts. Apparently she likes doing things for herself. When I was a baby, one of my first lines was, "*I* do it myself!"

Nancy.