Not the best night.

[logansrogue]

Have to take Melma to the vet again tomorrow. Things are looking rather bad, in that she has blood and clots coming from her rectum. I'm terrified I did something to make that happen, like I didn't squeeze her poop out enough or that I squeezed too hard. I tend to blame myself for Melma's bad health a lot, I guess because if I do that, it's not something out of my control. I've turned into a bit of a control freak since acquiring PTSD.

I've been in huge amounts of pain the past two days. My pelvis really fucking hates me. The worst thing is I need to sleep so badly, but I can't, not with this pain. I have to get up early tomorrow to clean myself up and shit.

No, I'll be up all night with pain problems. I will most likely be up at 3am, taking more pain killers. The anxiety over Melma won't help.

I don't know why I'm so worked up. It's been clear in the last few weeks that she's on her way out, that I've been merely keeping her comfortable. I just - I'll miss her so much. I had more than my fair share of time with her - 20 years. She's been such comfort and brought me so much joy over the years. I love how she purrs too loud because she's deaf. I love how she loves her food. I love how soft her fur is. Like a rabbit. I love her beautiful green eyes. I love the delicate musicality of her meow. I love how much of a lady she's always been. I love her pure, sweet heart. It breaks my heart to see her so old, so dirty. I see the fighting spirit in her eyes and I can't bear to go against her wishes.

I just don't know if I can take care of her anymore. I don't know if I have the strength. I feel like I'm letting her down, you know? But she has a constant stream of poop, running and not-so-runny, from her bottom. I can't wash her every day, it'll give her pneumonia in this cold weather. I wipe her down and brush her best I can. She urinates on herself quite a lot. She still loves her food, and she can still make it around pretty good for a twenty year old cat.

I just hate this decision, you know? I'm so emotionally tired of being the one responsible for her. Everyone decided I was the cat person, you know? If it were Rogue or Lenny, I'd understand as they're my kitties. Melma is the family cat, she's her own self and her own woman. I don't want to let her down.

She deserves a beautiful end. I wish she could have that. I wonder if she knows how much I love her, how much I would do for her, and how much I'll miss her when she's gone?

It'll be like losing family. I know that sounds daft, because she's just a cat, isn't she? Twenty years. Twenty years of my life that cat has been there. I've fought for her life countless times. I've looked into her eyes and seen her say with them, "Help me, please?"

I don't know if I have the strength for this one last thing. To see the life slowly drain from her - I'm scared she'll put up a fight. I'm so scared of those last moments. I wonder, who am I to choose when her end is? Who am I to make this choice? I'm not God. I'm not anyone special.

I just don't want to see her in pain. I hate being in this situation, I really do.

My poor, dear, sweet Melma. I'm so sorry I've let you down.

Comments

[bewarethespork.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry about your cat. But please, don't feel like you've let her down - I know you must have done everything you can, and I think it's amazing that you've managed to shelve your own pain and problems to care for her this well. She's a lucky lady, having someone like you to care for her.

I think that probably the most humane thing to do would be to talk to the vet about ending it quietly? I can't imagine that putting her through more pain would help. But I know that's a really tough decision to make. My best friend had to do it with the dog he'd had since he was a little kid last year and it almost destroyed him. But I think the alternative is maybe even worse.

I know that whatever happens, you'll do right by her. It sounds like you really have so far. Just hang in there. ♥

[shirasade]

It probably won't help, but really, you haven't let her down, honey. *sends hugs and cuddles*

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry, Nance. :( :( :(

[likebunnies.livejournal.com]

She knows you love her. In the past two years, I had to put our 17 year old cat down and I had the 14 year old one just go off and die by herself and neither was easy. Just don't let her suffer more than she needs to. Cats always have that sense of pride thing about them and should be able to maintain some of that at the end.

I know it all hurts and I'm sorry. Give her lots of love and tell her stories about all the wonderful years you had together.

[vodkandlime.livejournal.com]

:(

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

She knows you love her. You've done the right things, now it's up to you to do the one final right last thing.

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry :(

[meleth.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[miscard.livejournal.com]

Oh, hun. *HUGS* I'm so sorry to hear about Melma. I know how it is to love a cat so, so very much and have to watch them deteriorate like that. It's heartbreaking.

But...hun, you have NOT let her down. A cat living to 20 years old is amazing! You must have lovingly cared for her everyday of her life for her to live so long, and I'm sure she knows you love her. Please stop blaming yourself, Nancy, because you've done nothing wrong. Melma has lived a long, happy life with you and that's a wonderful thing. Just love her and care for her for as long as she has left, and try to remember the good times with her, not just the few bad parts that have come at the end.

We all know how much you love and care for your kitties, and to see you blaming yourself makes my heart hurt. I wish I could give you a hug in person, and tell you this to your face, but hopefully this will help a little bit. I'll send positive thoughts to Melma, and hope for peace for her.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

She's a cat, and she's an OLD cat - as in, she's lived beyond the average life expectantcy. Feel like shit because you're going to lose her at some point, but not because you're not taking care of her; if you're that worried about it and she's lived that long, chances are she's had a better life than a lot of people we know.

Sylvester (icon) just turned 13. I know he won't be around forever, but I hope he lives for several more years. However, I know when he dies someday it's really going to mess me up. I'm sorry about Melma.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

*hugs you hard* None of this is your fault, Nancy. I agree with those who've said that Melma should be allowed to retain her natural feline dignity as she heads off to Cat Heaven. ♥ ♥

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It's really hard. I went out there a little while ago to check on her. She was hungry, and I thought, "Fuck it, I'll spoil her" so I opened a fresh packet of the fishy food she likes so much. She purred so loud and happily, going "Num-num-num-num".

I knelt down and looked at her and said, "Honey. What do you want?"

She walked up the steps and I thought, "Typical, she wants to be inside. Where there's more food." That's when I fed her.

There was a drop of blood on the floor. I really don't know what to do. Other than the blood, she seems all right. I mean, close to death, but okay. If that makes any bloody sense at all.

[annlarimer.livejournal.com]

You haven't let her down at all. And to her you're the most special person in the world. Sometimes helping our pets out of life is part of the privilege of having them.

[bunny-m.livejournal.com]

Agreed. It's a painful responsibility, but it's an important one.

Nacey, you can get through this, you *are* strong enough.

Which is not to say that it's going to be either easy or fun, 'cause it's totally not going to be.

But you do have plenty of friends out here who will do what they can to help.

*loves to you and Melma both*

[xedra.livejournal.com]

(((BIG BIG HUG)))
She's incredibly lucky to have had so much love in her life.
I know what you're going through and my heart breaks for you, sweetie.

[countessdeweird.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs*

It sounds like both you and Melma have had a wonderful 20 years of friendship and love. It's hard to imagine that you could have failed her in any way when you've made it this far together. I'm really sorry to hear that things are going badly now, and I wish you all the best in helping her towards a peaceful end.

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

My cats are my babies...they're so much a part of our families. You don't need to feel ashamed of that.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I never managed to respond to this, just wanted to thank you. It was hard, the hardest thing to do, but it was the most humane thing to do. She was in terrible pain.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

You comforted her and you took her pain away. It's the price we pay for the time we have with them.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

For all the joy she gave me, it's a small price.