Dancing with the Devil.

[logansrogue]

Tonight I was starkly reminded of my full return to opiates by the break in my suddenly quiet bowel schedule.  What had previously gone like clockwork suddenly stopped, and today it started again and I had a few days activity in one excrutiatingly painful and crampy half hour.  Now I'm washed out, tired, sore, you name it.  I said to my sister, "I feel like I've starred in a Jeff Stryker feature." 

I asked the doctor if there were any other pain relief options for me, any other pills I hadn't taken yet.  He said there wasn't, and nothing else.   I've been feeling rather hopeless ever since, and I keep distracting myself but I come back to the fact that - there's NO BREAK from this pain.  And if I DO have a break, I pay for it.  I pay for it with rebound headaches, depression, extended sleeping hours and the special all-over skeeziness that becomes a repeat user of opiates. 

Mirena hasn't helped me as I hoped it would.  I can't describe the disappointment and frustration I feel. All I want is to be able to function again. I don't want perfect health, I don't want millions, or even hundreds of thousands. I want to be able to fulfill the dreams I've spent years working on. I want to be able to do my comics, do my music, do the things that make my life worth living. Right now I'm so tired, so sore, so bloody rooted every fucking day that I have a few hours of possible activity, and then I shut down, I'm a fucking zombie.

I keep telling myself that I should be thankful for small blessings, though. And thankful of huge ones as well. A miracle happened this week - Johnny came home. Johnny came out of hospital, okay, after an amazing fight. He inspires me so much, there's no words. He's a remarkable soul, that man, absolutely remarkable.

Maybe I'll be better off the Mirena. I feel like Mirena is magnifying my problems a lot. Especially the energy issue, I've been absolutely shit with my energy lately.

I'm sure I'd feel better once I get Mum's laptop back and can put my work on it and start writing again. I've written nothing lately and it's driving me NOOTS. Arrgh. Sadly I have to wait two weeks before I get the fucking thing back again. And that's probably on TOP of the time that I have to get the fucking power cord to those handless cunt-buckets.

...

Trust my little brother Scotty to make me laugh so hard I nearly chuck up. *wipes tears* God that son of a bitch is funny. Life isn't so bad when you've had a good laugh. :)

Comments

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry the Mirena isn't helping you. But I'm very happy to hear that Johnny left the hospital - that's amazing!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Oh man, he's like, the John Wayne of Porn, seriously. I just put him on and laugh and laugh!

Thanks, dude. I'm already feeling better after having a rant and a bit ol' shit. LOL!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

It is, it really is. We're having a party this weekend and we're going to yuk it up with him, have a really good time. :D

[greenforest-elf.livejournal.com]

*hugs u tight*

I know how frustrating it is to be in pain with no end in sight!

Did you see my pride post missy??? I want you to come along, its been AGES and it also means we met 2 years ago at Pride lol ohhhh piratey wench :)

*smooooches*

[alya1989262.livejournal.com]

Wow. Johnny's home! This is amazing!

Also, *hugs and chocolate*. I love you. I haven't been around much lately, but I love you.

[zzzzsleep.livejournal.com]

Is it worth doing some form of writing in longhand? Even if you don't have all the snazzy editing features that 'puters bring, it means you can do some form of prose at least.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I'll give it a look, darl! It's Halloween so I'll be dressed up again, so it shall be MUCH fun! :D

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I know, it's a miracle! We're going to party hard with that motherfucker this weekend!

*hugs* I know, it's all good :) *hugs*

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

My hand cramps and gets tired. I usually write in bed before going to sleep (to get my brain to go to sleep, see). Believe me, I've been considering breaking out the notebooks. I used to write the beginnings of stories in notebooks anyway, it helped me out somehow.