How we grow and change.

[logansrogue]

I am just clearing some junk out of my room (those that have seen it will know what a huge task this is for me) and I found a piece of paper that I filled in during a self-worth and self-confidence course during Health Ed in high school. I would have been 14 going on 15 at the time, as I reference my first cat, Edmund Blackadder II.

I am asked to list my supports and fears. My supports are things that help me cope in life. Those have changed. Back then it was Star Trek, chocolate, sitting in the yard relaxing, music (beatles), my friends Jennette and Pamela, books, Red Dwarf, X-Files and my cats. I love to go out to parties now, and the internet now has a place in my life where, back then, it wasn't even a twinkle in my eye. Those friends I've listed drifted from me long ago. And the TV shows I loved now lay quietly gathering dust in a beloved video and DVD collection.

My fears, now my fears were interesting. They were the following:

- rejection (To quote my explanation: 'is my one huge fear. I hate rejection because I got a lot of it when I was in primary school')
- needles
- spiders
- pain

I'll go through them one by one.

Rejection. It's still a bit of a hang-up for me. If there's a ridiculously good looking guy that I would love to ask out, I won't do it because I assume I'm far too ugly and gross for him and I am sure he'll laugh at me for asking, so I won't even ask. Believe me, I *know* how mental that sounds but that's my stupid self-confidence problem for you. I think I've defeated my fear of people not liking me, though. I was a lot more quiet and nervous when I was 14. I don't think I would ever have guessed or dreamed that I would be the glittery glamour-puss that loved parties once I reached my 20s. But I did come out of my shell, and I think that's pretty awesome.

Needles. Well, I still have that fear. Not of little needles - I manage to have blood tests. No, it's the big needles, IV needles that bother me. But I think it's all a subset of that pain thing. People assume you don't need pain relief or numbing agents when getting a needle. I say WRONG WRONG WRONG. They fucking hurt! They're sticky and thin and awful and I hate them! So that much hasn't changed.

Spiders. Well. I'm still afraid of them but not as much as I used to be. I mean, I used to lose my fucking shit when I saw a daddy-long-legs anywhere near me. They don't bother me anymore, and neither do window spiders. They stay where they are and behave themselves. Huntsmans however... I defy you not to be terrified of those fucking things. They are FAST.

Pain. I'm really proud of this one, and it's the entire reason why I'm posting this post. I was terrified of pain when I was 14. I hadn't experienced it much, but of what I had experienced, I knew I didn't like it. This was before my periods started. Before my body began to turn on me and make my life difficult. And now, fourteen years later, I face pain every day and work around it as best I can.

It gives me hope. In fourteen years time, maybe the things I fear now will seem as easy to deal with as these fears I listed on this old piece of paper seem to me right at this moment.

Comments

[angriest.livejournal.com]

Sonia won't leave huntsmen alone. I'm all like "oh please can we take it out of the fucking house" and she's all like "heehee! I wants to hugs it!"

The freak.

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

You rock. Totally. And you're proof, to despondent teens, that it's important to hang in and try to make things work.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes she is a freak. OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.

[alya1989262.livejournal.com]

This post is awesome. And giving me hope that I'll be able to get over my personal demons in ten years' time. ♥

[sir-devans.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should make a new list then? Like include the stuff from this post, what your fears were and how that's changed (or hasn't) and add the updated 'fears of 2008' section so you can actually look at it in another 14 years like you said.
NB: If most people spent more time on in depth introspection like you do rather than the obsession they have with what the world thinks of them, the world would probably like them better. I know I would.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

If I had a cat with that name, I'd insist on them using it too. LOL!

You know, I seriously consider the pain of childbirth as opposed to having a GREAT FUCKING DIRTY NEEDLE SHOVED INTO MY SPINE.

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

You're pretty awesome. :D

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Bah! I'm just a girl. :)

[asweetdownfall.livejournal.com]

Psh I beg to differ, Nancy. :)

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

I added you, Nancy.. ::hugs:: Hope you're doing okay.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

Added ya back, darlin'! *hugs* I'm going to see Indiana Jones today. It's a bit hard going into public for some reason, but I'm going to try it anyway.

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

Well, good. I hope you like it. I loved it, myself. :)

You're awesome, by the way!

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

I FUCKING LOVED IT OH MY GOD INDI/MARION OTP FOREVER OH MY FUCKING GOD I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SEE THAT FOR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS!!!!

[melalucci.livejournal.com]

YES!!!!!