Forgetting About the Woman Within
Jul. 29th, 2007 05:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
logansrogueHey all.
I wrote this letter to an endo support mailing list that I'm on. I thought I'd share it with you here, cause I figure it might be of some interest.
Hey all.
I just thought I'd shoot off this mail, it's something I was thinking about and I just wanted to share it.
Over the past two years, dealing with my endo and having to change my life, there are a lot of things I thought I had to let go of because of my pain and the changes I've made. I don't go clubbing or partying like I used to, and so I don't get dressed up much anymore. I exercise less, so I'm not as skinny as I used to be. My social life dropped off because I didn't go out as much as I used to. My life became defined by my condition.
I didn't buy cute clothes, I thought about 'sensible' and 'comfortable' clothing instead. I felt old, even though I'm a young woman.
Going through the laparoscopies helped somehow. I guess they made it real - undeniable. Not to me, it was real to me, but to anyone else that might doubt me or put my condition down to 'women's issues' or whatever. But I still had this mental construct of looking at myself as a 'sick person', seperate from other women. It's not until recently that I realised that this wasn't doing me any good and it wasn't fair. I was so busy being sick, focusing on my pelvis that I forgot about the rest of me. Especially my self-esteem and confidence. Some part of me figured that I didn't need that anymore, that all that fuss was for well people that went out and had a good time. I'd look at pretty young women, all dolled up, free and happy and I'd think, "I remember when I used to be like that."
I watched this show, "How to Look Good Naked" and it really helped immensely. It's sort of a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" focused entirely on self-image for women, and feeling good and looking good without going under the knife or changing yourself in any huge way. It's about self-acceptance. I really, really recommend watching it if you feel bad about your body. I was watching a young mother talk about who she used to be, and that she said that person was dead, and I cried. I feel exactly the same way, and I haven't even lost that person to something as constructive and beautiful as childbirth. I'd 'lost' that person to something I didn't ask for and that I can't get rid of.
And then I realised, watching this show, that she's not lost at all. I'm still that person. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I shouldn't buy myself frivolous sexy shoes, cute outfits and nice things like that. Keeping within my budget, of course. (In fact, if you live in Perth, Harbour Town is so good for shopping. I bought two pairs of shoes this weekend, good quality ones, for 25 dollars. TOTAL. And they're not all plastic and rubber like Spendless Shoes, either!)
I got myself some lovely clothes, appropriate for my condition (not too tight or uncomfortable but very stylish) and the experience reminded me of what I've been denying myself for two years.
One doesn't have to go shopping to reset the balance.
We're all wonderful, gorgeous, vital women. Endometriosis cannot take that away from us. In fact, I think it makes us stronger. We survive something, live through something, as hard and terrible as it is. We keep on going and that's an amazing thing, I think. I've met so many healthy women that can't believe what women with endo go through and I realise that there's a strength and bravery in women like us that a regular healthy woman doesn't really discover. It's not something you need to access unless you're faced with a chronic or serious condition.
No, I'm not happy about being sick, and one would agree there's nothing fun about having endo. Somehow, unbelievably, there has been a light side, though. A benefit through all the awfulness. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I met lots of other strong women, hell, STRONGER women since I don't even have endo that bad at all. I look at that as a gift, a blessing.
My life right now isn't the way I planned it. I wanted such a different future for myself. But I've gained and learnt more than I could ever have expected. That has to be a good thing, right?
And I found the pretty, sexual, beautiful woman within once more. She hadn't gone anywhere. I just stopped living in her skin.
Love to you all,
Nancy.
I wrote this letter to an endo support mailing list that I'm on. I thought I'd share it with you here, cause I figure it might be of some interest.
Hey all.
I just thought I'd shoot off this mail, it's something I was thinking about and I just wanted to share it.
Over the past two years, dealing with my endo and having to change my life, there are a lot of things I thought I had to let go of because of my pain and the changes I've made. I don't go clubbing or partying like I used to, and so I don't get dressed up much anymore. I exercise less, so I'm not as skinny as I used to be. My social life dropped off because I didn't go out as much as I used to. My life became defined by my condition.
I didn't buy cute clothes, I thought about 'sensible' and 'comfortable' clothing instead. I felt old, even though I'm a young woman.
Going through the laparoscopies helped somehow. I guess they made it real - undeniable. Not to me, it was real to me, but to anyone else that might doubt me or put my condition down to 'women's issues' or whatever. But I still had this mental construct of looking at myself as a 'sick person', seperate from other women. It's not until recently that I realised that this wasn't doing me any good and it wasn't fair. I was so busy being sick, focusing on my pelvis that I forgot about the rest of me. Especially my self-esteem and confidence. Some part of me figured that I didn't need that anymore, that all that fuss was for well people that went out and had a good time. I'd look at pretty young women, all dolled up, free and happy and I'd think, "I remember when I used to be like that."
I watched this show, "How to Look Good Naked" and it really helped immensely. It's sort of a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" focused entirely on self-image for women, and feeling good and looking good without going under the knife or changing yourself in any huge way. It's about self-acceptance. I really, really recommend watching it if you feel bad about your body. I was watching a young mother talk about who she used to be, and that she said that person was dead, and I cried. I feel exactly the same way, and I haven't even lost that person to something as constructive and beautiful as childbirth. I'd 'lost' that person to something I didn't ask for and that I can't get rid of.
And then I realised, watching this show, that she's not lost at all. I'm still that person. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I shouldn't buy myself frivolous sexy shoes, cute outfits and nice things like that. Keeping within my budget, of course. (In fact, if you live in Perth, Harbour Town is so good for shopping. I bought two pairs of shoes this weekend, good quality ones, for 25 dollars. TOTAL. And they're not all plastic and rubber like Spendless Shoes, either!)
I got myself some lovely clothes, appropriate for my condition (not too tight or uncomfortable but very stylish) and the experience reminded me of what I've been denying myself for two years.
One doesn't have to go shopping to reset the balance.
We're all wonderful, gorgeous, vital women. Endometriosis cannot take that away from us. In fact, I think it makes us stronger. We survive something, live through something, as hard and terrible as it is. We keep on going and that's an amazing thing, I think. I've met so many healthy women that can't believe what women with endo go through and I realise that there's a strength and bravery in women like us that a regular healthy woman doesn't really discover. It's not something you need to access unless you're faced with a chronic or serious condition.
No, I'm not happy about being sick, and one would agree there's nothing fun about having endo. Somehow, unbelievably, there has been a light side, though. A benefit through all the awfulness. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I met lots of other strong women, hell, STRONGER women since I don't even have endo that bad at all. I look at that as a gift, a blessing.
My life right now isn't the way I planned it. I wanted such a different future for myself. But I've gained and learnt more than I could ever have expected. That has to be a good thing, right?
And I found the pretty, sexual, beautiful woman within once more. She hadn't gone anywhere. I just stopped living in her skin.
Love to you all,
Nancy.
