Boy have I had a shitty day.

Okay, so, against all your good advice, but going *with* my doctor's advice (sort of) I broke my dose of oxy in half yesterday. After twenty minutes, it wasn't really covering the pain very much. I said to Mum:

"I'm as high as I was yesterday and I still feel the pain. I should just take the other half."

Mum was like, "Sure, go on then."

OH MY GOD WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS. I got higher and higher and higher over the next half hour. An hour I am tripping balls. Then suddenly, about an hour and a half after dropping the halves, I:

- Went really pale
- My heart rate went up
- My blood pressure went down
- Had the shakes something fierce
- I staggered into the bathroom to have a vomit, vomited a small amount
- Needed to go to the toilet for number twos, STAT.

Oh I felt like arse. I just felt so sick, so terrible. I forced some food down myself (as I hadn't had a proper meal that day) and spent the rest of the night getting over whatever the hell *that* was. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I am terrified of taking the oxy again. I mean, the first day I took it, it was fine. I was really high, really stupidly giggly and it was quite enjoyable. The next day the oxy ripped my fucking head off.

I thought the horror was over, but when I woke up this morning - oh my GOD. ANXIETY CITY. I had nightmares, I couldn't sleep, I was riddled with anxiety and my body was trying to convince me to take more oxy, even though I know that it's not the best idea. And I don't like my body trying to trick me into something. The only time I think of that as a healthy, necessary thing is when my body does that when I'm fasting for some reason. THEN it may try to trick me into eating and drinking. But not over drugs. That really makes me uncomfortable and wary of whatever I'm taking. As I said to my boyfriend, I've never had that reaction with codeine. Ever. I can space out the codeine and I can take it when I need to and my body doesn't freak out if it doesn't get it. I get a bit blah feeling, like a slight flu, but never, ever, EVER that horrible craving.

The other thing that worries me over the oxy is that my attention span is drastically reduced when I'm on it, but that might just be the giddy high. See, I'm reticent to dismiss the oxy out of hand because if I get used to it the way I'm used to the codeine, it might be a handy way to keep a cap on the pain. And when I first started taking the codeine, I'd get stupidly high and then pass out. But then I got used to it and now I just enjoy an elevated mood for about twenty minutes.

So, yeah, don't know what to do. I mean, this horrible experience is probably down to breaking the pill up. Oh, to explain what the doctor told me, she said it was fine to break it in half and take a half. She didn't say it was then fine to take the other half. That was my own stupidity. If anyone knows oxy better than I do, feel free to let me know if I've done shit wrong or if this stuff just doesn't agree with me.

Anyway, I was meant to go over to my boyfriend's house tonight, but I told him I was too freaked out from the drug experience. He was incredibly understanding, and said that he'd take me to go see X-Men: First Class tomorrow to get my mind off of it (even though he's not a huge X-Men fan). What an unbelievably awesome guy. Just when I think I can't adore him any more. :)