When I was a wee youngin', I used to watch a little show called Jem. It revolved around the adventures of a band called "Jem and the Holograms". There were a lot of moral tales embedded in fantastic glitter and fashion and excitement. Like all good shows in the 80s, there were the good guys and the bad guys. Optimus Prime faced off the Decepticons. He-Man faced off Skeletor. Jem's personal El Guapo was a green-haired harpe called Pizzazz, who headed the band called The Misfits.
Now, at first I was under Jem's spell. I wanted a JEM doll more than anything. Then Mum made a mistake one Christmas and bought me a blue-haired doll instead. She was a doll of the character of Stormer. In the morning, for about twenty minutes, I pouted and acted disappointed. (I was a real little shit for that). But in the following hours, I FELL IN LOVE. I thought she was the most BEAUTIFUL doll in all the world and suddenly, I was open to the lessons the Misfits had to tell. Stormer came with a tape filled with songs. There was a Jem song, "Music is Magic" and the Jem theme, and then a little ditty by the Misfits called "Winning Is Everything."
There were some pretty influential lyrics in there for me. Some very alien concepts. There were some horrible ones, like saying that you had to push other people out of the way to get what you wanted. But there were some positive ones in there too, I think. Like having ambition, having a goal and not letting other people negatively affect your plan. Quite handy if you're in the music industry, really.
It became increasingly clear to me that while Pizzazz and the girls were total bitches, they were bitches in control of their OWN destinies. Sure, Eric Raymond thought he had control of them, but that's like thinking you have control of your cats. Sure, you can tempt them with tidbits and communicate with them in their more amiable moods, but they pretty much want whatever pleases them and to hell with anything else.
Anyway, it came to the point that, in the end, I preferred the Misfits over the Holograms. Why? Well, here's a top ten.
Top 10 Reasons Why The Misfits Kicked Ass
10. The first time you see the Misfits, they ride into the scene on MOTORCYCLES SHAPED LIKE AXE GUITARS. Do you get that? MOTHERFUCKING GUITARS.
9. The song "Designing Woman" is my anthem.
8. Pizzazz want the man? Pizzazz TAKE the man. Man not want Pizzazz? Man get needle-point stiletto heel IN THE ASS.
7. Stormer was able to be kick-ass and yet still have a heart of gold.
6. Jetta? Black saxaphone. Case closed.
5. Pizzazz had the balls to do a scene in her movie with real wild animals and those fucking things left her alone. I'm talking lions and shit here. Jem has a single shoot with a KILLER WHALE, which is basically a very big dolphin, and she nearly gets herself killed and Rio has to save her - AGAIN.
4. The Misfits were never afraid to wear animal prints and bold colours. Pastels are for pussies.
3. The Misfits were never afraid of discordant riffs or sudden key changes.
2. The Misfits frequently crashed parties and interviews. If that isn't punk bad ass, I don't know what is.
1. Pizzazz took wing on a fucking HANG GLIDER and then defaced a giant billboard of Jem WITH A FRIGGIN' LASER, YO. The billboard then crashes into Starlight Music, nearly taking out the titular character. It was totally awesome. Line of the scene? Eric Raymond to Techrat, "You let PIZZAZZ loose with a LASER?!"
When it comes right down to it, the Holograms, while well-intentioned and sweet-hearted, got their success by being sweet and vulnerable around people in power. They were blessed and the good things fell into their laps. Starlight Mansion burns down? Awww, here's a kind-hearted man to give you a mansion to live in until you find somewhere else to live. Jerrica/Jem was constantly worrying about/being pushed around by Rio or Riot. The Holograms were constantly pawns to a bigger game. They were nice and they did what they could to help the kids they were taking care of to have a chance in life, but they fit in, they played the game.
The Misfits, however cruel and bitchy some of their actions were, made their own choices, regardless of the establishment. It's not that I particularly like to look up to selfish, self-serving bitches, it's just that in that show? It was either that or hero-worshipping the girl who was having an affair with her own boyfriend. Twice.
No, the Misfits followed the beat of their own drum, as flawed as that beat was. And I can't help but get behind that.
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