How the fucking hell do you start a novel?

I've written bits and pieces and chunks of my novel from a few different points in the story. But I'm not - I'm not happy with the beginning. I'm never happy with the beginning.

How the fuck do you START a novel? How do I draw someone in? How do I do the delicate dance of words that, in the end, hooks a reader and doesn't let them go? The only way I know to even get anything done is to just - start. Dump my readers in head first and let them figure shit out. I don't know if it works, though.

How do you start novels or stories, my dear friends who write? Share with me your wisdom. :)

Today's observation...

You know you're a nerd when you see an ad on a website about cars that says "More HP!" and you think, "Cars have hit points?"