How we grow and change.
May. 19th, 2008 05:15 pmI am just clearing some junk out of my room (those that have seen it will know what a huge task this is for me) and I found a piece of paper that I filled in during a self-worth and self-confidence course during Health Ed in high school. I would have been 14 going on 15 at the time, as I reference my first cat, Edmund Blackadder II.
I am asked to list my supports and fears. My supports are things that help me cope in life. Those have changed. Back then it was Star Trek, chocolate, sitting in the yard relaxing, music (beatles), my friends Jennette and Pamela, books, Red Dwarf, X-Files and my cats. I love to go out to parties now, and the internet now has a place in my life where, back then, it wasn't even a twinkle in my eye. Those friends I've listed drifted from me long ago. And the TV shows I loved now lay quietly gathering dust in a beloved video and DVD collection.
My fears, now my fears were interesting. They were the following:
- rejection (To quote my explanation: 'is my one huge fear. I hate rejection because I got a lot of it when I was in primary school')
- needles
- spiders
- pain
I'll go through them one by one.
Rejection. It's still a bit of a hang-up for me. If there's a ridiculously good looking guy that I would love to ask out, I won't do it because I assume I'm far too ugly and gross for him and I am sure he'll laugh at me for asking, so I won't even ask. Believe me, I *know* how mental that sounds but that's my stupid self-confidence problem for you. I think I've defeated my fear of people not liking me, though. I was a lot more quiet and nervous when I was 14. I don't think I would ever have guessed or dreamed that I would be the glittery glamour-puss that loved parties once I reached my 20s. But I did come out of my shell, and I think that's pretty awesome.
Needles. Well, I still have that fear. Not of little needles - I manage to have blood tests. No, it's the big needles, IV needles that bother me. But I think it's all a subset of that pain thing. People assume you don't need pain relief or numbing agents when getting a needle. I say WRONG WRONG WRONG. They fucking hurt! They're sticky and thin and awful and I hate them! So that much hasn't changed.
Spiders. Well. I'm still afraid of them but not as much as I used to be. I mean, I used to lose my fucking shit when I saw a daddy-long-legs anywhere near me. They don't bother me anymore, and neither do window spiders. They stay where they are and behave themselves. Huntsmans however... I defy you not to be terrified of those fucking things. They are FAST.
Pain. I'm really proud of this one, and it's the entire reason why I'm posting this post. I was terrified of pain when I was 14. I hadn't experienced it much, but of what I had experienced, I knew I didn't like it. This was before my periods started. Before my body began to turn on me and make my life difficult. And now, fourteen years later, I face pain every day and work around it as best I can.
It gives me hope. In fourteen years time, maybe the things I fear now will seem as easy to deal with as these fears I listed on this old piece of paper seem to me right at this moment.
I am asked to list my supports and fears. My supports are things that help me cope in life. Those have changed. Back then it was Star Trek, chocolate, sitting in the yard relaxing, music (beatles), my friends Jennette and Pamela, books, Red Dwarf, X-Files and my cats. I love to go out to parties now, and the internet now has a place in my life where, back then, it wasn't even a twinkle in my eye. Those friends I've listed drifted from me long ago. And the TV shows I loved now lay quietly gathering dust in a beloved video and DVD collection.
My fears, now my fears were interesting. They were the following:
- rejection (To quote my explanation: 'is my one huge fear. I hate rejection because I got a lot of it when I was in primary school')
- needles
- spiders
- pain
I'll go through them one by one.
Rejection. It's still a bit of a hang-up for me. If there's a ridiculously good looking guy that I would love to ask out, I won't do it because I assume I'm far too ugly and gross for him and I am sure he'll laugh at me for asking, so I won't even ask. Believe me, I *know* how mental that sounds but that's my stupid self-confidence problem for you. I think I've defeated my fear of people not liking me, though. I was a lot more quiet and nervous when I was 14. I don't think I would ever have guessed or dreamed that I would be the glittery glamour-puss that loved parties once I reached my 20s. But I did come out of my shell, and I think that's pretty awesome.
Needles. Well, I still have that fear. Not of little needles - I manage to have blood tests. No, it's the big needles, IV needles that bother me. But I think it's all a subset of that pain thing. People assume you don't need pain relief or numbing agents when getting a needle. I say WRONG WRONG WRONG. They fucking hurt! They're sticky and thin and awful and I hate them! So that much hasn't changed.
Spiders. Well. I'm still afraid of them but not as much as I used to be. I mean, I used to lose my fucking shit when I saw a daddy-long-legs anywhere near me. They don't bother me anymore, and neither do window spiders. They stay where they are and behave themselves. Huntsmans however... I defy you not to be terrified of those fucking things. They are FAST.
Pain. I'm really proud of this one, and it's the entire reason why I'm posting this post. I was terrified of pain when I was 14. I hadn't experienced it much, but of what I had experienced, I knew I didn't like it. This was before my periods started. Before my body began to turn on me and make my life difficult. And now, fourteen years later, I face pain every day and work around it as best I can.
It gives me hope. In fourteen years time, maybe the things I fear now will seem as easy to deal with as these fears I listed on this old piece of paper seem to me right at this moment.