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Rape Apology and Rape Culture - Even you can contribute to Victim Blaming!

AN: Please keep in mind that this entire angry rant is using the general "you", not the specific "you". Oh for days when we had a choice between "You" and "Thou".

So! You're progressive! You're forward-thinking, forward-acting, and you care about the little people. Bravo!

But don't get too comfortable. Nobody's perfect - that's what it is to be human! In your striving to be compassionate, to be intellectual and logical, however, be careful not to pad your conscience with the bumper zone of being an apologist. Whether that be in charges of racism, sexism, misogyny or what the hell ever.

This Post and subsequent thread at Jezebel illustrates just that.

People seem to be having a really hard time parsing the fact that rapists are Nice People Too. They care for their grandmothers, they look after their babies, they help you out when you're down! They are people's brothers, husbands, best friends, relatives. It really hurts when you find out that someone you care about or have been social with is actually a predator. It sucks, but believe me when I tell you, you are doing nobody any favours by dismissing their crimes as mistakes, or as one-time affairs.

Let me explain it as simply as I can.

Rape happens because one person thinks they're entitled to another person's body. Rape happens because the perpetrator has huge fucking psychological problems and can't deal with life on their own. So to compensate for that, they scrabble for control by taking control of other people's bodies. This is a learnt behaviour that is integral to who they are as a person. Many values and behaviours branch from this deep belief of entitlement.

A rapist is someone who thinks their mental well-being is more important than YOUR life and happiness. Than your safety, your security, your mental well-being.

They are selfish bastards that will put themselves above other people.

Not all people, of course. Not usually men, not particular women or children. No, not everyone. And there-in lies the fucking problem.

"He's never hurt me," people think. "It would be rude not to talk to them." "One act doesn't mean you still can't be a good person!" "But he was so nice to me all those years!"

By even airing this stuff as a default, by bringing this up every time a rapist is discussed, it is both bringing the victim into doubt and minimizing the crime. This happens enough in our culture. This shit isn't said in a vacuum, and every time someone assumes a rapist is a great guy, they're ignoring the victim, belittling their pain and their right to justice.

What about the victims? Aren't they usually great people too? Mothers and wives and daughters and sisters and cousins. I'm sure some of them like dancing, or helping rescue puppies and kittens. They might even like to go swimming or give to charity or help at the local homeless shelter.

Then one day some buttwipe decides that their own power and satisfaction is more important than that victim's selfhood.

Hundreds of thousands of people make excuses for him. And then the culture thinks it's okay. The victim is silenced. The predator is given voice and priority.

Don't be an apologist. What kind of person the rapist is is never, ever the issue. It doesn't matter. What matters is that someone is hurt and that we must stop people being hurt.

~~*~~

A/N2: Please understand that I navigated my own great anger, hurt and fury at the world to write this post. Use some sensitivity if you're going to disagree with me, but really - I rather you just didn't bring it up if you do.

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I really like what you've written here, Nancy. What do you think should happen to rapists...or your rapist in particular? Do you see it as a case-by-case thing? (Trying to learn about these kinds of issues so I can be informed and understand others better.)

I think there should be justice. I think, at its heart, criminal justice has the right idea. I think the minefield of human being apologising for the criminals is the problem.

I think it depends on the severity.

I think, in my case, that my rapist should have unending, life-long counselling by a trained psychiatric doctor who specialises in sexual predators.

He should also be on the Sex Offender's Registry so that women know to be wary of him.

Thumbs up!

Hundreds of thousands of people make excuses for him. And then the culture thinks it's okay. The victim is silenced. The predator is given voice and priority.

Our culture of Silence disgusts me, and I think it is WRONG to apologise for any rapist, no matter how 'nice' they can be. No matter how many different facets to their personality. If one of those facets is 'I raped someone,' they go into my 'pile of useless piece of shit human beings.'

And if one of my friends continues to apologise for rapists, despite knowing this stuff, they also go into that pile too, because I'm just a bitch that way.

As it turns out, there are a lot of useless piece of shit human beings out there.

(Sorry for swearing, but I totally agree with you.)

Yeah, I know. I just - I don't have time for the hurt it brings me to have someone around me that talks that way. I don't have the emotional reserves or the strength. I have to cut my losses and get rid of them.

And it's not that I don't care or don't think people deserve second chances. It's that I've already been hurt and I deserve better than this shit.

Plus, once you're a victim, you don't ignore either warning signs or softness on those that would hurt you. Cause it's too dangerous to be around that. Or it feels that way.

Plus, once you're a victim, you don't ignore either warning signs or softness on those that would hurt you. Cause it's too dangerous to be around that. Or it feels that way.

What so many don't realise, is that it's dangerous for *them* too, and it's just easier for them to live in a bubble. And that's sad, because if people listened to you, and trusted you, there'd be a lot more safe people out there. Because that's not even ignorance anymore, that's a choice to live in a bubble.

I just can't be around that sort of choice. I can't be around a choice to keep silent. And I can't be around choices that put me or the people I care about in danger.

As stupid as it sounds, at least we try and protect ourselves. So many people don't. :/

Thing is, I don't remember a time when I didn't know about rape or the fear it brought. When I was a little girl (around 6 or so) my big sister was brutally raped. It was a stranger rape brought on by a guy worked up by strippers. It was completely and totally against the odds when you look at it. I was forever being told to be careful, my whole life. I was careful! I was so fucking careful!

But nobody told me that I didn't have to put up with being uncomfortable to appease men. Nobody told me that it was OKAY to be rude to your friends if you were scared. Nobody taught me the really important bloody lessons.

Not that it mattered, because it happened anyway, no matter how many women I went out with at night, how careful I was to wear shoes I could run in or not be alone with strangers.

It was by a friend that I knew for years in my own damned bedroom.

I wish people would understand that what's best for the victim is usually what's best for society as a whole. :(

But nobody told me that I didn't have to put up with being uncomfortable to appease men.

Oh HELL yeah. It took me ages to figure this out. My safety is worth more than the small possibility that he might be irritated or embarrassed.

I wish all women knew this. It's so important. :(

And if one of my friends continues to apologise for rapists, despite knowing this stuff, they also go into that pile too, because I'm just a bitch that way.

Well said. I wouldn't say it's AS bad as rape, but it's damn close. I won't even speak to people who have that attitude.

Dude, swear away. It is full happy swear times in my journal. :D

I have so many things I'd like to say, but every time I try to write them, nothing comes out, so I'll settle for the simple version:

You are absolutely right.

*solidarity fist-bump*

I think you made a really good point about how it's not just about minimising the crime and victim-blaming - it's ultimately about everyone's safety: our friends', our loved ones', our own. I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if one of my loved ones were to be raped and I were to hear someone else excusing the rapist's actions, and it basically boiled down to towering, possibly-homicidal rage. Even though I understand why Mrs Polanski might have felt like she had to defend her husband, I will never understand the mindset of an entire society that feels like defending sex offenders is ever okay.

See, I feel pity and sadness for the pain of those that have to face the cognitive dissonance and heartbreak of a loved one also being so irrevocably broken inside that they committed such an act.

That said, that pity and sadness ends where the rights and the justice of the victim begins.

I agree - I mean, I would be devastated if I found out that a friend of mine had a history as a sex offender, because how do you reconcile this image of someone you love and trust with that of someone who forced himself (or herself, I guess) on someone else in such a way? But on the other hand, the fact that they were my friend wouldn't change the fact that they committed a terrible crime, one for which they should be punished.

I don't know. Is there an easy answer to this? I guess you could say that it would be that you feel empathy for the offender's loved ones and for the victim, and want the offender themselves to be punished. But I don't know if it's ever that clear-cut for the people really involved, is it? I've thankfully never experienced rape personally, though a very close internet friend was, and I remember feeling so angry and hurt, not on her behalf, exactly, but more that someone could ever dare do something like that to someone I loved. If I had met her rapist (who, sadly, was someone she'd known and trusted for years), I would have happily kneed him hard in the groin. But I can't help thinking that the same guy who abused my friend also had friends and family who loved him for all his good points, and...argh, it's just all so messy and terrible.

And now I've just gone and ranted in your comments. I'm sorry about that.

..I really don't have anything useful to say. I understand where you're coming from, though, and you bring up really great points.

IMO Rape is something you can never ever excuse someone for - it isn't something to be easily brushed away, to be forgotten.

It says a lot about how effed up society is when we're excusing - even forgiving - the rapist. :/

This is the thing, right. I think there's room for forgiving rapists. By victims, to aid their own recovery.

Never by society to brush over a terrible pattern of abuse.

Well put, I like to think people use this excuses because they don't know it any better however in most cases it is being afraid to accept the next best person is that kind of a monster, selfish person.
An interesting question is whether a rapist can ever redeem him/herself? Especially in case of Polanski, one wonders this. We're told he's married, got children but all that is not redeeming, not in the slightes.
If somebody hurts someone else they have to fulfill a process of accepting their errors, being truely sorry and to face consequences none of this happened here.
Contrary his wife shows with this kind of comments they still haven't accepted that he hurt that girl, took in a way so much quality life from her...it is still all about him, not about that little girl.

But it is easier to pretend all this never happened, to get on with life without looking back on first glance...however as difficult as it seems it is if one really thinks about it easier to face consequences, be truthfully what anybody did directly rather than to have a whole life full of demons.

Somebody like that as much as they like to pretend otherwise will never become truly happy again, lies eat one away...and that is in a way consequences of their crime as well. We may not see it but that's in a way justice. That's probably karma.

I hope for you, despite everything you find happiness and thanks for this thought-provoking entries of yours.

Thanks, darling.

I think if a rapist accepts their deep psychological problems and is in continual therapy for the rest of their lives for it? Sure, they can try to redeem themselves. My sister even forgave her rapist.

Unfortunately a lot of rapists are sociopaths, so they don't look at what they do as wrong. Like Polanski, they either make excuses, go on about how hard their life is or just don't care.

A lot of people don't realise this, and so they think that victims and their advocates that want to lock away certain rapists for life are heartless, vengeful harpies.

Far from it.

Word.

Y'know I've had some say to me that *I* am being unresonable and not 'being nice' because I don't want to associate with That Man. Those people need to read this post.

I need to know who these people are so I can refuse to talk to them ever again.

I also want to say that you've been a true friend. I appreciate it more than you know.

I was once put in a situation where I had to physically intervene to get a friend out of a situation in which force was being used in an attempt to keep her in a sexual situation that she was trying to leave. No rape happened, but if I wasn't there it seemed likely it would have. I'm happy to discuss the details with you if you ask, but I don't want to make discussion of this any more painful than it is, so I'm not going to volunteer them. Plus, of course, some details are hers to share if she wishes, not mine.

Now, *up until that point* the perpetrator actually did seem a nice guy, a vocally lefty progressive one, and a decent enough one, with no bad reputation at all. He was very drunk at the time and we had never seen him act at all this way before, and he didn't create the situation (but was trying to make it continue after she had clearly said no). And afterwards, he was incredibly remorseful, and immediately voluntarily sought out counselling. I think his regret was sincere, and that he really did understand what he had done and how wrong it was, and was doing what he could to ensure it would never happen again.

But you know what? I never saw him again, not once, because it was made very clear that, no matter how nice and progressive he had seemed before that point, and no matter how sincere his regret, no one of his former friends considered that behaviour acceptable ever, and we did not think he should ever be in his prospective victims presence ever again (unless at her explicit request), and we no longer wished to socialise with him ever. I think that is a *minimum* level of response.

I believe that some people who commit sexual violence can undergo genuine remorse, and can change for the better (though many do not). I believe in compassion for all, and that includes perpetrator as well as victim . But I think compassion for the victim is far more important, and I also believe that the most compassionate caring thing you can do for the perpetrator is make them realise just how fucked up what they have done is, and that they need professional help to stop them ever doing it again, for the sake of themselves, everyone they care about, and the safety of people in the future. No matter how reasonable (or nice, or talented) they seem at other times, excusing their actions, or apologising for them, is just fucking wrong. If people who love them want to try to help them on that journey of remorse and change, want to be with them when as they try to deal with the darkness inside, fine. But that is very different to downplaying it, rationalising it, pretending it wasn't a big deal. Fuck that.

That said, I get the point made in the Jezebel article, that it is hard to hate Seigner for rationalising her husbands crime. Judge her, yes, but not hate her.

We're pretty much of one mind on this, I think. After what happened to me, I was the one making the loudest noise about my attacker's rehabilitation. Every time I had the opportunity to get a message to him, I let him know that I held him to his promise of getting help. I still do. Sadly, I think my attacker is going to always have that urge. He's totally messed up from way back.

As I said at Jez, I understand why his wife is acting that way, I pity her. But I reserve my right to anger and my right to say how fucked up she is to say those things.

Rock on, 'Rogue! *fist-bump*

No surprises I agree completely, I'd guess. :)

Heh, no. And again - I need to stop hanging out at Jezebel posts on the subject of Roman Polanski.

Jezebel posts in general. I wrote the editors a nasty email and told them they'd set women's rights back and that I hoped they were never in the position of knowing how I felt. (Though in truth, I wouldn't give a fuck if they were. I wouldn't be happy, but I wouldn't care, either.)

Well, I am pretty sure some of them have suffered the indignity of rape. I just think some women react to it differently (which is perfectly fine and normal). Doesn't stop me getting frothy and angry about it though. :-P

*hug*

*hug* Thanks. I had to work through a lot to post that.

I don't have any words, but please know that however minimal my interactions in that circle have become, I support you and have no interest in interacting with that guy.

You are really great for writing this post.

I know, honey. Aren't you living in Sydney or Melbourne now? LOL! I can't imagine you'd run into those people very often there!

I'm pretty much sorted out with navigating around that set, it's Swancon that's my El Guapo.

Yeah but I've been thinking about coming across for Swancon!

Well, I'll have to be there and get all up in your face for big hugs.

I've got some HUGE things planned for the art show, by the way. I want to win the damned comp this year.

Woohoo!

It'll be Docmermaidtastic!

And also, I want to say that whenever you feel ready, I really think you should go back and read your old entries, 'cause you should be very proud of how far you've come on the road to recovery. Keep it up, girl. :)

Well obviously you already know how I feel.

It seems like sometimes the more educated and liberal people are, the more toxic they become. I'm liberal and educated, so...

Like my mother has a Ph.D. She did her dissertation on women's body issues and the collective unconscious/feminine divine. Not that that stopped her own massive body image issues OR taking that shit out on me.

Anyways, when I was raped and I reported it she screamed at me for "creating more drama" and asked "what were you doing with him in the first place."

Later, she totally invalidated me and swore up and down she never said that and never would have said that - though she was and still is emotionally abusive in general and always treated me as some psychology experiment instead of a child, up to and including smoking pot with me when I was 14 (thought it was cool at the time. Now I have an 11-year-old and I'm like what the fuck.)

And she's so educated and so supposedly feminist it makes me nauseated to hear her talk about women's rights anymore. It probably triggers me more than rape talk because I know what a hypocrite she is and that when I needed her the most, she told me to fuck off.

Not the first time, btw. When I got pregnant at 18 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she sent me to live in a homeless shelter but that's another story, just using it to illustrate what a shitty person she is.

/rant

Holy shit, your Mum sucks. Want to share mine? Mine is lovely and cuddly and makes you nice dinners and watches geeky TV shows with you.

There's a line (repeated in the refrain) from a anti-rape song that I come to think of:
He clears his name, while she gets all the blame!
If a woman raped a man, would the verdict still be the same?

Although the problem is that in that case the verdict probably would be the same because the victim in that case would have been assumed to have been wanting. -_-' Rape apologia seems to take whatever side to excuse it, whether it be "He's just a man, he couldn't help himself" or "She wanted it, didn't she?"

I even read once in the paper about an especially abhorrent case (WARNING: When I say abhorrent, I mean it!):
Highlight to read.
A woman had been recommended to a doctor to get a subscription for (I think it was some sort of mental problem that required medication) and he had essentially given her an addictive rape drug. And then raped her in his office. And due to addiction, she found herself going back to him just so she could get the medicine and thus get raped again. When the case did get to court, he was freed. Why? Because her returning to the doctor (repeatedly) proved that she really wanted it.
I honestly think it's easier for me to write this without going into a blind rage because it was months ago that I read it, so the effect isn't nearly as strong as it was when I first read about it.

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Rape Apology and Rape Culture - Even *you* can contribute to Victim Blaming!

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My own experience with an attempted rapist

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Rape Apology and Rape Culture - Even you can contribute to Victim Blaming!