logansrogue: (Default)
So when Margaret Olley died, she requested that the contents of her house in Sydney were to be transported out into a country location where she grew up and reconstructed exactly as they were in Sydney. There was an article on the 7.30 Report about it on the ABC. There were shots of people lovingly dusting old crockery and bits and pieces before packing them away and taking them elsewhere to continue on in their existence.

And I turned and said to Daniel, "Dude, I hope I get so ridiculously famous and rich that I can leave a buttload of money and people can go through my things to recreate my house in some arbitrary location. Can you imagine it? These art buffs lovingly dusting my vibrators once they get to them?" And I laughed and laughed and laughed.
logansrogue: (Default)
I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling full of something, of the warmth and wellbeing I felt despite being sick and fatigued all the time. I miss the hope and optimism I felt, the wondering of what this little life would bring to me. I miss the feeling that I would never, ever be alone again, that this little one would always need me, and I would always be there for it. I miss wondering what the baby would look like, whether it would be more like me or more like Daniel. I miss planning for games I would play with the baby, on fantasising how they would play with their cousin Leon. About how Rogue would react to the baby. About the perfect completion I would feel of me, baby, Rogue and Daniel. A family. I miss the connection to something bigger than me, the feeling of being a portal to something so incredible, so special, so wondrous, I didn't even have the words.

I miss Lenny. I miss his little "mruff" meows. I miss the heavy bunting of his head on my leg as he waited for me to feed him. I miss the heavy footfalls of his paws as he ran up and down the hall in the middle of the night in a bid to be let out. I miss the pride on his face when he caught a rat. I miss how much he loved catnip, and chicken, and first hugs of the day. I miss the way he would put his huge paw on my face, and touch his forehead to mine and purr so very loudly. I miss how he sometimes patted my face. I miss coming across him sleeping, and tracing the tawny coloured whorl of fur in the black of his tummy. I miss counting the dots on his round belly. I miss burying my face in his fur and smelling his smell. I miss being able to go outside when everything feels like it's falling apart and seeing him come out of the grass, over to my side, allowing me to hug him even though I know he hated it sometimes. I miss having my constant little buddy, who helped me through the worst times of my life.

I miss him *so* much. I miss the little one that was inside me SO much. I feel like I lost two babies one after the other. I miss feeling like a mother, a real mother.

I know I'll get through this, somehow. But I don't think I'll ever stop missing them.
logansrogue: (Default)
Often Daniel and I like to go for a walk around the lake near my house.

It's a lake most of the year, and then the summer comes and it becomes a very large pond attached to swampy muddy wetlands. It's the natural rhythm of the place, and it's always interesting to see the change in bird visitors as the year goes on.

Daniel and I were sitting in the shade of a picnic table, scanning the lake for birds of interest. He was looking through a pair of binoculars. I wrapped my arm around him and thought about what we were doing.

People, of our age, both wrapped up in nature, with birds. And I thought about all the middle-aged and old-aged couples I'd seen doing the same thing as us. Often I'd hope we'd be those people one day.

Then my mind drifted to how remarkable it was that we both liked looking at birds and animals. Most people our age have no interest in that sort of thing. What are the chances we'd find each other?

I aired these thoughts to him. "Just think. Not only do we both love animals and birds and nature walks, which among our age group isn't all that common. We're also madly attracted to each other. We have amazing sex, we're happy together. We're very lucky."

"Yes we are," he replied.

I really do thank God every day for him. He is a blessing. And it's nice to have someone to enthuse about local bird species to. I don't know anyone else that would have gotten as excited about Freckled Ducks as he did.
logansrogue: (Default)
So I thought I'd post it here instead:

So apparently the Liberal Party are setting their sights onto Medicare, considering things like not covering GP visits (those pesky little things that filter out the serious stuff from the less serious stuff and keeps the ERs and hospitals relatively clear of small cases). As a woman with a disability who NEEDS her doctor's visits and could not afford to go should Medicare stop covering them, I offer a hearty THANKS to anyone that voted for the fucking Liberals. I am now looking down the barrel of some serious fucking hardship. I need to see a doctor monthly at least to a) monitor my chronic pain condition (endometriosis which sometimes needs surgery), b) monitor my medications that go along with that condition and c) deal with all the little extras that come along with having a major pain condition (IBS, urinary tract problems, migraines, etc). I am so angry and so mad about this, I barely have the words. I don't know how anyone with a clear conscience can vote for the Liberals. It's basically saying you care more about money than people's lives. I know *so* many people that are going to suffer for this, that are already suffering under the current system, and it's only going to get worse. And the government is blithely wandering Australia down the shitty road the US has been on for the past fifteen years. News flash: IT'S NOT A ROAD YOU WANT TO BE ON.
logansrogue: (Default)
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
I passed something from my uterus. It was painful and terrible and amazing.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do resolutions. I figure if I want to do something, I should shut up and do it. Mainly because I've never in my life kept a single resolution I've ever made on NYE. I just do what I need to.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister did. And I did, sort of, when I miscarried.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I lost my beautiful Aunt Maggie this year, and in September, my darling baby Lennon.

5. What countries did you visit?
What kind of meme assumes people have the cash to go visiting different countries? Goodness grief. I didn't visit anywhere, I am too broke.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Money. I really need some. I want to have a baby and live somewhere not entirely dreadful. Not that my current place is dreadful - it's perfect. It's just not *my* place, it's my parent's.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
A lot were terrible. Waking up and my Mum tearily telling me that Maggie was gone. Holding my dearest Lennon while he was put to sleep forever, singing my song for him, "You are the sunshine of my life." Squatting in a hot bath in the bathroom, my mother nearby, crying out in agony as I passed my pregnancy. That's the bad stuff.

But I also won't forget meeting William Shatner, and how kind he was. Or how I hit it off with Margot Kidder and how much she loved my clothes and how friendly she was. Or seeing all the beautiful guys from Camelot. Or meeting the incredible, sweet, wonderful Gail Simone and her encouragement to me in my comics career.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I didn't really achieve much this year in the material sense. I got an illustration on the cover of the Continuum magazine. My work was up in a Perth cafe all year, and will be again when Frank gets a new place to set up his business. Emotionally, psychologically, I managed to overcome some pretty serious anxiety issues. I managed to get through one of the toughest periods of my life in one piece. I never gave up.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing enough.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm a woman with a chronic pain condition. The only days I wasn't in constant agony was when I was pregnant. And then, I was only in agony *some* of the time instead of all the time.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Watercolour paints.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Daniel was there for me through some tough times, even though he was going through tough times as well. Mum was INCREDIBLE. She was there for me through some seriously rough shit. She sat with me for hours in the Emergency Department at the local hospital when I was waiting to see someone about my dosage fuck up with my antidepressants. She sat with me when I was going through my miscarriage stuff. She is a hero.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Fuck me, where do I start? Fifty percent of the country for voting for Tony fucking Abbott? Really, if I start I won't stop.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Psych fees. Health insurance. Stupid purchases.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting pregnant. Meeting celebs. Art. Seeing all the new duck species at the lake near my home.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus. That's in a bad way.
Dance Apocalyptic - Janelle Monae. That's in a good way.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

I. happier or sadder? Hard to say. I hadn't been through the stuff I'd been through this year, so I was less emotionally scarred. But I was scared. This year I am mourning things, but I'm not scared anymore.
II. richer or poorer? Poorer! I am always poorer!
III. fatter or thinner? I'm fitter, that's what's important. LOL! Probably about the same size, though.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Art. Producing creative product.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about money and family. (The last person that did this wrote that, but I'm keeping it because that's exactly what I wish I'd done less of).

20. How will you be spending the holidays?
With family, kicking back and making the most of the good times. Enjoying the company of those I don't get to see all the time, especially my big brother Paulie, who is living in Japan presently.

21. How will you be spending New Year's?
Family. Music. Drinking. Merriment.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Yes, with my nephew Leon. Hahaha! But seriously, I am constantly falling more and more in love with my darling Daniel. We had our three year anniversary in August.

23. How many one-night stands?
None of those anymore, outside of my dreams at any rate.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Doctor Who.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I do what I can not to foster feelings of hatred, but those feelings in me have deepened for key members of Australia's Liberal Party on both a state and federal level.

26. What was the best book you read?
I finally got around to reading Sense and Sensibility. It was rad.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I finally got to hear some of Erykah Badu's work and it is amazing.

28. What did you want and get?
Is this for Christmas? An art shop gift card.

29. What did you want and not get?
There's a lot I didn't get, I didn't think about it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I loved The Hobbit.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a family party, a small one. I turned 34. It was a lovely intimate affair.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting more art done.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Loose and colourful. Patterns and vintage. Beads, hot shoes, bringing attention to my eyes. Returning attention to my tiny middle as I had been neglecting it for some time. Remembering that I have a hot body and not putting it behind baggy clothes *too* much.

34. What kept you sane?
Love. Daniel, Rogue, Mum, fambly.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eh, just the usual suspects.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Environmental issues here in Australia.

37. Whom did you miss?
My auntie Maggie. She used to visit every weekend and I'd show here what I'd been crocheting. I haven't crocheted much since she died. Lenny. He used to give me Lenny hugs every day - big paddy paws, a little "Muff mruff mow" noise when I held him tight, his puffing purrs, his happy sound when eating, the way he'd pat my face so tenderly. I had that cat in my life, every day, for eighteen years. It is so odd to be without him now.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Tracy was awesome, she's a subscriber to my brother's Youtube channel. I like her. And Leon. OH MY GOD, LEON. What an amazing little person he is. I love my nephew more than words can say. He is so beautiful, so perfect, so hilarious. I love being with him, he heals my heart and makes me smile as if the world was brand new.


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013?
Bad things happen. Worrying doesn't stop that. All it does is reduce the quality of the good days you have, and that's no good, cause you only get so many of them.

Family makes everything better. Love can overcome just about any ill in your heart.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Just being alive, it can really hurt. And these moments given are a gift from time. -- Moments of Pleasure, Kate Bush.

Hacked?

Dec. 30th, 2013 11:04 am
logansrogue: (Default)
Hey all.

Is anyone seeing posts from my LJ in Russian? Apparently someone saw that and figures I've been hacked, but I'm not seeing it on my browser at all.

--N
logansrogue: (Default)
So I'm reading this article on buzzfeed about great literary figures who got together in homosexual relationships, and one of them says this:

Cheever wrote, “What I seem to want is a means to get my rocks off with the least inconvenience, a degree of sentimentality and some decent jokes.”

Those are his reasons for sleeping with men. If he were in front of me, I'd say, "Be real. Be honest. You like cock an assholes. You can get least inconvenience, low sentimentality and great jokes if you fuck the right woman. You can't be fagged looking for the right woman, and let's face it - you like dick. Just admit to it. YOU LIKE DICK."

Cause I know that when I'm in bed with a man, it's a laugh fucking riot. I am hilarious in bed. Though I save that for young muscular men with lots of body hair and gorgeous green eyes. Well, one particular young man. All right, Daniel.
logansrogue: (Default)
My boyfriend just called me an "insatiable lust monster".

I think I want that on a t-shirt.
logansrogue: (Default)
So apparently Rogue is cut from the new X-Men movie. And it seems she was barely in it at all before the cut.

FUCK YOU, BRYAN SINGER. FUCK YOU AND YOUR APATHY TOWARDS ROGUE. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND SHE IS THE FUCKING COOLEST?! SHE AND JUBILEE AND STORM ARE THE BEST X-WOMEN OUT, FUCKO.

*shakes* Good, got it out of my system.
logansrogue: (delight me mermaid)
Do people still use LJ? I hope so.

I got sucked into using FB for a while cause the status messages are so easy to post and my friends that I see in day-to-day life get to see them. But I miss my online friends and the network of fandom that I'd built up before I made the switch. I miss fandom terribly.

I've still been writing fanfic while I've been gone, Xena and The Mummy mostly. But most of my writing efforts have been sucked up by my novel. I'm really working hard on that, trying to get a first draft finished. I am the slowest writer in history, methinks.

I met Gail Simone back in the beginning of the year. I didn't tell you about that, did I? We got along famously. She was at Swancon and it being such a small convention, I got to socialise with her and her husband rather often during the con and she had a lot of good things to say about my art. We did a panel together and she said it was one of the best panels she'd done in a long time, she had a great time. I met Emily Smith through the panel and I honestly think she's a brilliant artist and inker. If I had a dream team of people to work on a comic with? She would be one of them for sure.

So, I am working on the scripts for my comics too, and Carrie from Carrie and the Magnetism has had a major retooling of her character. I decided that the comic was too white, and there had been so many white blonde female superheroes that I wanted to do something a bit different. I was looking at photos of a friend of mine and as I stared at her there was something about her that inspired me. Then it was like turning a tetris piece and it falls into place just where you need it. My friend WAS the face of Carrie. And my friend is of Papua New Guinean descent. I kept the blonde hair for a lark, because a lot of people in PNG and the Pacific Islands have brown skin and blonde hair. It always gets up racist people's noses when they see it, too. And Lord knows I love annoying racist people. It'll take some research into PNG/Australian culture, as she's grown up in Aussie culture, but I think it'll make her far more interesting. There's a lot of stuff I can work into it all. I told my friend how she inspired me and she was so excited, she loves comics and she hasn't had a PNG superhero to look up to. I don't know how well I'll do, being a total cracker, but hopefully with some careful research and so forth I'll do it all some justice.

I think I'm mainly writing this post because I can't sleep. I have a sort-of-migraine thing happening and I had Coca Cola today which has left me jacked up all day. Too much sugar and caffeine, way more than I'm used to. Never again.

Well, goodnight, lovies. <3
logansrogue: (grrrrr)
Trying to get 1.6.2 mods to work on a 1.6.2 profile in Minecraft. Pasting the files INTO the version jar seems to get things to work. Dropping things in the mods folder of the separate minecraft directory for 162 does not. It is exceedingly frustrating.

Have been working on this for days. Wish I had NEVER updated to 1.7.2. I might just have to uninstall and install an older copy. SOOoo annoyed.
logansrogue: (xena painting)
Hey all.

So, a lot of shit has happened to me in the months/years since I've posted here last. I intended to take up the journal habit again as I've been very much in need of the outlet, but didn't know how to jump back in. Well, I guess I'll do it like I do the swimming thing - throw myself right into the water.

About two months ago I found out I was pregnant. About a month ago I had a miscarriage. It was a blighted ovum, and it was quite a horrible experience. I'm still going out with Daniel, life is going fairly well.

I decided to post about my experience miscarrying on a pregnancy forum. I'm also posting it here so that I can share my experience with people I know but it not being Facebook (which is full of my relatives).

Here it is in its entirety. Warning, it's huge!

My miscarriage story. Warning: Pregnancy loss, descriptions of the experience etc... )
logansrogue: (Arthur/Gwen)
Let me tell you about my boyfriend. He doesn't like nightclubs (I don't blame him) and he's not really a party animal. He's a more sit-down, talk to people about interesting subjects kind of guy. He's not the kind of guy that effusively expresses his love and attraction to a woman. His actions speak louder than words.

We like walking around a lake near my home near sundown to look at birds, animals and plants. We're nature geeks. We weren't really hardcore before we started walking around the lake. The more we walked around the lake, the more we talked together. The better we knew each other, and the lake.

Sometimes, when we're adventurous, we go walk about the lake at night. Tonight was the perfect night for animal spotting. It's a warm, damp summer night. The moon is half-full and there are bugs EVERYWHERE.

One of the features of Australia is that it's a place full of spiders. It is fuck-full of spiders. I'm an arachnophobe, and he walked ahead of me on the trail so that if we walked through a web, he'd be the one to get the spider on him.

He went first to guard me from spiders, yo.

We're walking down the trail and off the track a bit, between two bushels about three metres apart, we see this HUGE web. There's a fucking golden orbweaver on the web as big as the palm of your fucking hand. We're both terrified.

He keeps walking first.

On our adventure we saw four frogs, numerous different kinds of crickets, a lot of spiders, and a bat. We heard birds, bats, and a variety of crickets. It was the perfect evening. It's not the sort of evening you see depicted in romance novels, or talked about in dating circles, but it was lovely, and I couldn't think of a better way to spend an hour or two with my darling man.
logansrogue: (Default)
Hey all,

I know it's been forever since I posted on here, but I've barely been doing anything productive this year, and I wanted to post some shit before it's out.

Lord of the Rings: The Hobbit, New Doctor Who, Merlin spoilers... )
logansrogue: (*sigh*)
Okay, so, it's not a tumour.

The lady thought it could be either fibroids or cirrhosis, but he thought it was more likely cirrhosis. She said it was a part of him growing older, that as cats age, the organs slowly wind down and stuff. She said the only treatment was drugs to keep him comfortable and around for as long as he was comfortable. She had no idea how long he'd last.

His kidneys and other organs all seemed good, however. And he put up a helluva fight when getting the ultrasound. BOY was he pissed off.

So, I don't know how to feel. Relieved? He's still dying, either way. I made the mistake of reading up on the symptoms of liver cirrhosis in cats, and they were terrible. Lenny has two of them - enlarged liver and skinniness. His blood-pressure is up and he's going blind and shit, but he can still run at a fair clip and he's quite spritely and alert. Loves his food.

I just can't believe this is happening out of the blue like this. I just took him for a check-up.

I am desperate to relax and chill out, but I feel like there's no relaxing. It's really bad. :( It's stupid cause for now? Today? Lenny is out in the yard, licking his balls, annoyed but fairly okay. I, however, haven't eaten properly since yesterday. Well, since Thursday really, and I still don't have an appetite. I don't know what to do. :(
logansrogue: (*sigh*)
Took Lenny to the vet today for a check-up, he was looking a bit skinny in the back-end and I felt something wasn't quite right.

I was right. At first the vet thought it was kidneys or thyroid. Blood tests came back (that wait was fucking horrible) and it's neither - it's his liver. Worst-case scenario - it's an aggressive tumour, and he only has a few weeks. Best-case scenario, it's an old, inflamed liver, and he has about a year left.

Either way, I am pretty messed up, because I've had him since I was sixteen. He was there when every man I'd ever loved let me down. He is my little man, my little tiny tiger, who gives me warm hugs.

I know he's old, he's sixteen. I realised he might not have as long as Melma had (20 years). I really thought he had longer than that, though.

So, I'm at home and I don't know what to do. My brothers are here, and my Dad, all of them have absolutely no idea what to do in an emotional situation. I need comfort, and I don't know where to turn. Everyone's busy. Even my Facebook is silent. I want to burst into tears, but I don't know what's even happening.

Then there's the money. The blood tests and vet visit cost me 412 dollars, and now the ultrasound tomorrow to determine whether or not it's a tumour is going to cost 360 at most (260 at least). I don't even know what to do. I might *just* have enough in the bank, I'm not sure.

What am I going to do without my little fella? I feel like my whole world is falling apart, which is stupid, because I KNOW he's a cat, I know it's a small part of my life. But it's such a huge part of my heart.

I want to distract myself, give myself a chance to bring down my anxiety levels (which are through the roof right now) but I don't know how. I don't even know where to start. I just keep looking out the window at Lenny sleeping happily in the sun and wanting to burst into tears (but for some stupid reason, not being able to because of PTSD and shit).

I'm so sad inside. I'm so heartbroken.
logansrogue: (Default)
You ever get those weeks where you're like, "Nope, not even, don't even, I'm off the map, yo."?

This is turning into one of those weeks. Shit, it's been two months like that actually, a friend brought it to my attention that I'd been unusually quiet for two months, and I realised, "Fuck, I am not in a good mental place."

Which is really worrying cause I don't feel distressed in any way, I just feel unable to DO anything. Like it's taking all my energy just to exist, and I hate myself for not getting anything done. I really do. I mean, last week I managed to get some cleaning done, and I've been doing my walks and taking up weight training (boyfriend showing me how, I want Xena shoulders). I started all that, but I also started the pill and it's leaving me horribly moody and weird.

I've been either in a ridiculously good mood or snapping or pouty at the turn of a dime, it's so embarrassing. Thank God, my boyfriend has been very understanding. Love that man ridiculously.

Anyway, so then I hear some truly horrible shit in the news, and I just can't this week. I can't cope. If anyone on my list happens to be affected by the shooting in Colorado, I'm so, so sorry. I just about burst into tears when I heard about it, I couldn't cope. It's hard to even talk about it, cause words are so fucking trite, you know?

Then I read some pretty grim shit about global warming, and it just makes you want to hide in a hole. Which I'm trying not to do.

On the upside, I'm learning how to knit. If I can knit AND crochet, I would have learnt two new crafts this year, and that's pretty kick-ass.

I'm watching my sister go through her pregnancy, too. It's different this time, cause it's my baby sister going through all this and not a much older big sister, and one day, it'll be me (hopefully a couple of years away!). It's all so visceral and REAL somehow. It's an amazing journey, and I love planning and plotting the clothes I'll crochet/knit as gifts, and the toys I'll buy for it, and the games we'll play. Boy or girl, it is going to be in such a loving, huge, supportive family. It's one of the rare good things I'm looking forward to in life right now, something I'm really truly happy about like I used to be when I was a kid. Just seeing the ultrasound scans makes me tearily happy.

What a rambling post! LOL. This is what happens when I decide to write something when I'm both high and thoughtful and hormonal on new BCPs. I love you all, even the people I haven't heard from in ages. If anyone ever wants to comment, but worries I won't remember them, or would be unhappy that you'd comment after not hearing from you for so long or something stupid like that - I honestly don't take that shit to heart. Feel free, at any time, to drop a line, even if it's something you do for that one moment. Life is a series of blessings and good moments, I take 'em as I get 'em.

OH! I helped save a cat the other day. Some girls couldn't get their GIANT BEHEMOTH FURRY CAT OF DOOM (he was so cute) to calm down in the car while they were taking him to the vet. I loaned them my pet carrier (my only one) so they could take the cat to the vet, and I calmed them down and assured them that the wound to the cat's face wasn't too bad, that it'd heal, and that all they'd need was antibiotics for it. I was totally right. I love helping people. Seriously, it's one of those truly guilt-free, wonderful things that makes life worth living.
logansrogue: (*sigh*)
Sir Charles Gardner Hospital: Hi Nacey! Hey! You have a sleep problem? No worries, we'll trial you on this awesome CPAP machine that'll help you breathe and shit. We need monies first, a fair whack.
Nacey: Oh, okay. I'll give it a go.
SCGH: So, did it work?
Nacey: OH WOW, this is GREAT! I feel fantastic! I feel like I've finally had some actual sleep! I have energy and shit!
SCGH: Awesome! Now give it back.
Nacey: Oh... Okay, fair enough.
SCGH: Oh, and you can't get one for free like we mentioned on the flyers and shit cause your apnoea isn't serious enough.
Nacey: ... Wait. So, cause I only stop breathing *some* of the time, instead of *ALL* the time, I can't get a CPAP machine?
SCGH: No.
Colin Barnett: FUCK YOU, I'M ON A BED OF MONIES FROM SELLING OFF EVERYTHING WHEE! I GET PERFECT SLEEP, THANK YOU!
SCGH: Anyway, the best unit for you would be this one. But it's 1500 dollars. You might be able to find one that's acceptable at 450 dollars. We'll see you in October. GOOD LUCK!
Nacey: ... *Sobs*

~~*~~

It's not as bad as what people in the US health care system are dealing with, I know, I mean, shit. There are people with hernias and tumours and cancers and shit and the government is like, "*snort* I don't give a shit. Fuck off this planet for all I care." It's just that I would LOVE to be able to work at something I'm good at and take care of myself. I'm tired of not being able to take care of myself.

And I really, *really* liked that machine. God damn it. I liked being able to get good sleep. I'll miss good sleep. :( I just loathe the thought of being so tired that it hurts again. :(

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